My older son got into a habit of calling his younger brother "weird" (among other names - recently we've had a lot of name calling in our house). Yesterday I asked him if he knows what "weird" means. "It means unusual" - he answered correctly. I said: "Right. And if you think about it, your brother is not weird at all. If anybody is weird, it's you. You only play with the girls. You don't like fiction books. You know a lot more math than other kids. That's unusual. Your brother plays with boys and shares a lot of the same interests that other kids his age have. So he is pretty usual." I don't know if I will hear "weird" again any time soon.
I am a parent of two kids who are completely different. One is "weird", and one is "ordinary". Despite being "weird", until recently my older son was relatively easy to discipline, because I could almost always reason with him. My younger son is a lot harder, because he is very mischievous, and he does not respond to either positive or negative discipline.
For the last few weeks, however, my house has been turned upside down. Out of nowhere, my relatively obedient and reasonable son refused to listen. It started from calling his brother names, went on to swearing, and now he says "no" to pretty much every limit I try to impose. I started with positive discipline. It didn't work. I tried punishment. Then our evenings turned into yelling screaming tantrums. "Why do I have to listen to YOU?" "I don't have to do what YOU say!"
I mentioned this problem to a friend who has 3 sons. What she said was pretty simple. "He is growing up." I realized the same moment that she was right. He is growing up and pushing the limits. He needs more freedom.
Even when dealing with Alex was relatively easy, I was always mindful of the teenage years, when I turned from relatively quiet and obedient child to a parents' nightmare almost overnight. I knew it could happen. My solution to it with my kids was not to set too many limits right from the start, and always explain and discuss them. Apparently, my plan didn't work. First, I didn't expect my kids to start rebelling until the age of 13, and Alex is only 9. This definitely caught me off guard. Second, what if they rebel anyway (which, apparently, he does)? I have no plan B. I became public enemy #1. The mean parent. "The strictest parent in school". And that means no matter how reasonable my request is, the answer is: "I don't have to do what YOU say!"
No matter how I thought I was prepared for teenage years, I was not. At least not yet. I have to catch up. I am working on a plan B.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Fall is here
Today I saw a first pumpkin of the season on our neighbors' mailbox. It's that time of the year again - fall. Halloween. My birthday. I hate Halloween and especially my birthday, but I love the season. Even though here in Northern California we don't have beautiful leaves falling from the trees and making a colorful carpet on the ground.
Another year has gone by, bringing back memories. Many years ago, when my older son was 2 years old, late in the evening we would take a flash light and go around the neighborhood, counting pumpkins at each door. This is how our love for math began.
Then we would visit a Halloween store. We would try on every mask, play with toy weapons and scary toys, and take pictures. We did not buy any costumes because my kids were never into the trick-or-treating, but trying them on was always fun.
And in the evenings, we would take a tour around the neighborhood and look at the Halloween displays.
Another year has gone by, bringing back memories. Many years ago, when my older son was 2 years old, late in the evening we would take a flash light and go around the neighborhood, counting pumpkins at each door. This is how our love for math began. 
When both my kids were little, I would take them to our annual trip to a pumpkin patch. We would ride a small train, go into a corn maze, watch barn animals, walk around giant pumpkins and take pictures, and pick one big pumpkin and several small colorful squashes of interesting shapes to put by our door.
Then we would visit a Halloween store. We would try on every mask, play with toy weapons and scary toys, and take pictures. We did not buy any costumes because my kids were never into the trick-or-treating, but trying them on was always fun.
And in the evenings, we would take a tour around the neighborhood and look at the Halloween displays. At the actual Halloween, instead of going trick-or-treating, my kids stayed at home waiting for trick-or-treaters to come in. My kids loved giving out candy and look at the costumes.
Now my kids are too old to do all this stuff. That's kind of sad. I need to plan some other activities for them to do in the fall. Unfortunately, I can't think of any right now. I guess all that's left is to stay home, remember past days and be sad.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
To be or not to be
Here I am again puzzled by a dilemma. Our gymnastics coaches called a meeting today, to inform me (as well as some other parents) that they are proud to invite our sons to compete at team level on outside competitions (outside meaning not "little kids" competitions they hold inside the gym, but competitions with the other teams.) Well, we are proud too, of our kids' achievements. But of course, there is always a "but".
First, there is money. We pay for everything - coaches, competition fees, traveling, uniforms, insurance etc., etc. in addition to regular monthly fees, which altogether comes to almost 1,500 per year.
Then, there is parents' commitment. Parents are supposed to "volunteer" during the competitions, 20 hours per year, or pay $20 per each missed hour.
And last, but the most important, there is a child's commitment. So far, we already have 3 2-hour practices a week, plus they are adding another 2-hour practice on Saturday. The practice starts at 3.30, the school ends at 3.15, there is a 40 minute commute. Mark gets extremely excited about gymnastics, but he also gets very tired, and sometimes asks if it's ok not to go and starts whining. I understand he is tired and would rather he did not go on those days, but I cannot allow him to go whenever he pleases - sports requires discipline. Can I put such pressure on a 6-year old?
What bothers me is that I see no goal in all of this. What are we working for? He is not going to be an Olympic champion. We are not making a career out of gymnastics. The coaches keep reminding me about scholarship to Stanford, but I am sure that my kids are smart enough to get scholarships just based on their academic achievements. And is scholarship worse all this sacrifice of time, money, and effort afterall?
To me, the answer is no. So on the way home I almost made up my mind to refuse the offer. So far, gymnastics has been very beneficial for Mark, but increasing pressure would be too much. But then I gave it another thought.
The situation is now different from a year ago, when I was making a decision whether to increase his practice time to 2 times per week. Then, the decision was entirely mine. Mark was too little to get his own opinion. Now, he is older. I talked to him about the competitions and increased commitment, and asked if he is ready to do this (and go to every practice without whining). He said he needed some time to think. I think I should let him. I think now he has to have a say. It should be a family decision.
I think that if we say "no" now, we are closing the door for him. The door to the sport which eventually he can be great at. And it doesn't matter that there is no real goal - the goal may be the sport itself, in which he can take great pleasure. We can always say "no". Even though the older he gets, the less it will be our decision, and the more it will be his. And if at one point he decides that he wants to stop, that will be the end of it, and neither we nor his coaches will be able to do anything about it. Even now, he can say "no", and I will not pressure him into taking this responsibility. But if he decides to do it, our saying "no" will close the road which can lead to great things.
I am anxiously awaiting Mark's decision. I told him to take his time and think hard, because whatever he decides will be final and he cannot change his mind, at least for a year. Is it smart of me to put such a serious decision on a 6-year old? I am cheating - I am doing this because I cannot decide myself.
First, there is money. We pay for everything - coaches, competition fees, traveling, uniforms, insurance etc., etc. in addition to regular monthly fees, which altogether comes to almost 1,500 per year.
Then, there is parents' commitment. Parents are supposed to "volunteer" during the competitions, 20 hours per year, or pay $20 per each missed hour.
And last, but the most important, there is a child's commitment. So far, we already have 3 2-hour practices a week, plus they are adding another 2-hour practice on Saturday. The practice starts at 3.30, the school ends at 3.15, there is a 40 minute commute. Mark gets extremely excited about gymnastics, but he also gets very tired, and sometimes asks if it's ok not to go and starts whining. I understand he is tired and would rather he did not go on those days, but I cannot allow him to go whenever he pleases - sports requires discipline. Can I put such pressure on a 6-year old?
What bothers me is that I see no goal in all of this. What are we working for? He is not going to be an Olympic champion. We are not making a career out of gymnastics. The coaches keep reminding me about scholarship to Stanford, but I am sure that my kids are smart enough to get scholarships just based on their academic achievements. And is scholarship worse all this sacrifice of time, money, and effort afterall?
To me, the answer is no. So on the way home I almost made up my mind to refuse the offer. So far, gymnastics has been very beneficial for Mark, but increasing pressure would be too much. But then I gave it another thought.
The situation is now different from a year ago, when I was making a decision whether to increase his practice time to 2 times per week. Then, the decision was entirely mine. Mark was too little to get his own opinion. Now, he is older. I talked to him about the competitions and increased commitment, and asked if he is ready to do this (and go to every practice without whining). He said he needed some time to think. I think I should let him. I think now he has to have a say. It should be a family decision.
I think that if we say "no" now, we are closing the door for him. The door to the sport which eventually he can be great at. And it doesn't matter that there is no real goal - the goal may be the sport itself, in which he can take great pleasure. We can always say "no". Even though the older he gets, the less it will be our decision, and the more it will be his. And if at one point he decides that he wants to stop, that will be the end of it, and neither we nor his coaches will be able to do anything about it. Even now, he can say "no", and I will not pressure him into taking this responsibility. But if he decides to do it, our saying "no" will close the road which can lead to great things.
I am anxiously awaiting Mark's decision. I told him to take his time and think hard, because whatever he decides will be final and he cannot change his mind, at least for a year. Is it smart of me to put such a serious decision on a 6-year old? I am cheating - I am doing this because I cannot decide myself.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The age of innocence (continued)
Despite yesterday's discussion, we are not watching Les Miserables tonight.
A parent's job is never ending weighting benefits vs. harm, thinking and re-thinking, deciding and changing your mind. Which I did, I changed my mind.
It's not because of discussing and understanding the adult issues. Would that be a book, I'd have no problem reading it with my son. But it's a movie, and the movie is very graphic. Way too graphic for my extremely easily scared child. Talking about death and poverty is one thing, seeing it on the screen is another. Would he have not been so easily frightened and not tend to taking things very seriously, we would watch the movie. But you have to be constantly in tune with what your child needs or does not need. What is beneficial for one child is harmful to another. More than occasionally, my son comes to me at night because he had a nightmare. He does not need another one.
I was taking a child development class last semester, for which I needed to write a few papers. The class was all about theories that different scientists had about child psychology. In virtually every paper I wrote, I said at the end: "The theory is good, but you cannot apply it to every child. Every child develops differently. Some kids develop according to one theory, some to another, and some just don't fit any." I wonder if the professor noticed that pattern in my papers. On my final paper, she wrote that "she enjoyed having me in the class because I always challenged the theories." I don't challenge them. I just don't find them particularly useful.
I am taking another class now, a child education curriculum. When the teacher asked today: "What do you hope to learn in this class?", I said: "how do we take a curriculum, which intended for a group of children, and apply it to each child as an individual." Tough thing to do in school. I know, because for 4 years I've been struggling with teachers to accommodate my son's special math abilities. I am meeting with his new teacher later this week to discuss this, and I have no hope for success.
I've tried 3 Blockbuster stores to find "Master and commander", but without success. So, no movie tonight.
A parent's job is never ending weighting benefits vs. harm, thinking and re-thinking, deciding and changing your mind. Which I did, I changed my mind.
It's not because of discussing and understanding the adult issues. Would that be a book, I'd have no problem reading it with my son. But it's a movie, and the movie is very graphic. Way too graphic for my extremely easily scared child. Talking about death and poverty is one thing, seeing it on the screen is another. Would he have not been so easily frightened and not tend to taking things very seriously, we would watch the movie. But you have to be constantly in tune with what your child needs or does not need. What is beneficial for one child is harmful to another. More than occasionally, my son comes to me at night because he had a nightmare. He does not need another one.
I was taking a child development class last semester, for which I needed to write a few papers. The class was all about theories that different scientists had about child psychology. In virtually every paper I wrote, I said at the end: "The theory is good, but you cannot apply it to every child. Every child develops differently. Some kids develop according to one theory, some to another, and some just don't fit any." I wonder if the professor noticed that pattern in my papers. On my final paper, she wrote that "she enjoyed having me in the class because I always challenged the theories." I don't challenge them. I just don't find them particularly useful.
I am taking another class now, a child education curriculum. When the teacher asked today: "What do you hope to learn in this class?", I said: "how do we take a curriculum, which intended for a group of children, and apply it to each child as an individual." Tough thing to do in school. I know, because for 4 years I've been struggling with teachers to accommodate my son's special math abilities. I am meeting with his new teacher later this week to discuss this, and I have no hope for success.
I've tried 3 Blockbuster stores to find "Master and commander", but without success. So, no movie tonight.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The age of innocence
Today I went to Blockbuster to rent the movie "Master and commander", which was filmed on one of the ships we visited in San Diego. I thought kids would be interested to see that. The store didn't carry the movie, thank you very much. Since I was there, I decided to rent something else.
Recently my kids found Les Miserables musical in my music collection and they've been listening to it ever since. So, I decided to rent the movie. But as I was driving home, I was thinking if I did the right thing.
Les Miserables deals with many adult issues, including murder, suicide, poverty, and prostitution. I was surely not going to show the movie to my younger son, but even for the older one is this the right time? I would have to discuss these things as we watch the movie - is he ready? He is only 9, should he be exposed to these things, or should he enjoy the innocence of childhood for a year or two longer?
As a young mother, I often heard: "Why take away their childhood? Let them be kids." I am sure many other mothers heard that too. The thing is, all parents are divided into 2 categories. First category will start educating their children as early as they possibly can. They will start alphabet at 18 months. They will start numbers at 2. They will start swimming lessons at 6 months old. They will eventually add piano and tennis lessons, as well as foreign language. Then there is the other category that will say: "Let the kids be kids. Let them play and enjoy their childhood. They will learn their letters in their own good time, and they will pick their activities when they are ready."
Which one is right? Which one am I in? The answer is both. You can't "take away your child's childhood" if he is ready to learn letters at 2 and naturally curious what those signs in a book mean. By not following his cues to start learning, you'll be slowing him down. If, however, he is not ready and you are trying to push him to learn, you will take away his desire to learn, and you will achieve nothing, because his brain is not ready.
If you are that mother who is pushing your yelling and screaming 2-year-old into the water, you are damaging her nerves and create more fear, again, achieving nothing. But if your 6-month-old enjoys the pool, by all means get in the water with her - you are not "pushing" her.
I started math very early with my older son, and by the age of 3 he was adding and subtracting 3-digit numbers. I didn't push him, but I felt when he was ready to learn new things. I didn't introduce anything new before I was sure he was ready. I was doing it with him every step of the way. That's when I heard: "You are taking away his childhood." Well, guess what. With my younger son, I did not start learning any addition or subtraction - all I did is to learn numbers with him. He was watching his brother doing math, and at age 4 he asked me for his own addition problems. He is 6 now and again, doing 3-digit addition and subtraction. All by himself, without any interaction from my side. Did I "take away his childhood"? Not at all, in all other respects he is as much a child as any of his peers, and he learned without being taught because he was ready.
I taught my kids to read in Russian by the age of 5. Again "taking away their childhood"? Well, I did not plan to teach them to read English, I thought they would learn it in school. Guess what? By Kindergarten, they've taught themselves to read English without any help from me. I was astonished. I did not even teach them English alphabet, I left it to school - but they didn't need it. When the kids are ready, they will learn. If you don't let them, being afraid "to take away their childhood", you will slow them down, eventually diminishing their desire to learn.
But that's academics. What about real life issues? When my older son was in Kindergarten, I received a letter from a teacher, informing me that "they will be discussing different kinds of families, including singe-family homes, divorced parents and gay/lesbian families." That is what I get from private religious school? I was outraged. I called the teacher and said that no way my child is ready for such discussions. The teacher replied that most kids are ready at this age, and if they are, they come home and ask questions, but those who are not simply ignore it. And she was right - after a week of these "discussions" my son did not ask a single question - his mind just let it pass by him because he was not ready. If I tried to prolong the discussions at home, that might have been harmful, indeed taking away the innocence of his age.
So what about Les Miserables? There are so many things going on in this movie, and my child at this stage is so very curious, he'll have questions about everything, and I will have to answer, whereas if he would not watch the movie, the topic may not come up for months. And does it really matter? Does it matter if he learns about prostitution today or a year from now? Or maybe a year from now even be too late and he would've already learned it from his friends (with their own interpretations) instead of from me (with the proper lecture)?
I think my son is ready for Les Miserables. He may not enjoy it, but he is ready to watch and talk about it. More ready than 9-year-olds watching 16-year-old girls dressed as hookers on MTV and playing video games glorifying violence.
Recently my kids found Les Miserables musical in my music collection and they've been listening to it ever since. So, I decided to rent the movie. But as I was driving home, I was thinking if I did the right thing.
Les Miserables deals with many adult issues, including murder, suicide, poverty, and prostitution. I was surely not going to show the movie to my younger son, but even for the older one is this the right time? I would have to discuss these things as we watch the movie - is he ready? He is only 9, should he be exposed to these things, or should he enjoy the innocence of childhood for a year or two longer?
As a young mother, I often heard: "Why take away their childhood? Let them be kids." I am sure many other mothers heard that too. The thing is, all parents are divided into 2 categories. First category will start educating their children as early as they possibly can. They will start alphabet at 18 months. They will start numbers at 2. They will start swimming lessons at 6 months old. They will eventually add piano and tennis lessons, as well as foreign language. Then there is the other category that will say: "Let the kids be kids. Let them play and enjoy their childhood. They will learn their letters in their own good time, and they will pick their activities when they are ready."
Which one is right? Which one am I in? The answer is both. You can't "take away your child's childhood" if he is ready to learn letters at 2 and naturally curious what those signs in a book mean. By not following his cues to start learning, you'll be slowing him down. If, however, he is not ready and you are trying to push him to learn, you will take away his desire to learn, and you will achieve nothing, because his brain is not ready.
If you are that mother who is pushing your yelling and screaming 2-year-old into the water, you are damaging her nerves and create more fear, again, achieving nothing. But if your 6-month-old enjoys the pool, by all means get in the water with her - you are not "pushing" her.
I started math very early with my older son, and by the age of 3 he was adding and subtracting 3-digit numbers. I didn't push him, but I felt when he was ready to learn new things. I didn't introduce anything new before I was sure he was ready. I was doing it with him every step of the way. That's when I heard: "You are taking away his childhood." Well, guess what. With my younger son, I did not start learning any addition or subtraction - all I did is to learn numbers with him. He was watching his brother doing math, and at age 4 he asked me for his own addition problems. He is 6 now and again, doing 3-digit addition and subtraction. All by himself, without any interaction from my side. Did I "take away his childhood"? Not at all, in all other respects he is as much a child as any of his peers, and he learned without being taught because he was ready.
I taught my kids to read in Russian by the age of 5. Again "taking away their childhood"? Well, I did not plan to teach them to read English, I thought they would learn it in school. Guess what? By Kindergarten, they've taught themselves to read English without any help from me. I was astonished. I did not even teach them English alphabet, I left it to school - but they didn't need it. When the kids are ready, they will learn. If you don't let them, being afraid "to take away their childhood", you will slow them down, eventually diminishing their desire to learn.
But that's academics. What about real life issues? When my older son was in Kindergarten, I received a letter from a teacher, informing me that "they will be discussing different kinds of families, including singe-family homes, divorced parents and gay/lesbian families." That is what I get from private religious school? I was outraged. I called the teacher and said that no way my child is ready for such discussions. The teacher replied that most kids are ready at this age, and if they are, they come home and ask questions, but those who are not simply ignore it. And she was right - after a week of these "discussions" my son did not ask a single question - his mind just let it pass by him because he was not ready. If I tried to prolong the discussions at home, that might have been harmful, indeed taking away the innocence of his age.
So what about Les Miserables? There are so many things going on in this movie, and my child at this stage is so very curious, he'll have questions about everything, and I will have to answer, whereas if he would not watch the movie, the topic may not come up for months. And does it really matter? Does it matter if he learns about prostitution today or a year from now? Or maybe a year from now even be too late and he would've already learned it from his friends (with their own interpretations) instead of from me (with the proper lecture)?
I think my son is ready for Les Miserables. He may not enjoy it, but he is ready to watch and talk about it. More ready than 9-year-olds watching 16-year-old girls dressed as hookers on MTV and playing video games glorifying violence.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
San Diego
This year we've stayed home for most of the summer, but what is a summer without some time away from home? We chose San Diego for our trip - a must-visit destination for every parent with kids. Unlike Los Angeles, where there is practically nothing to do and most people go for Disneyland, San Diego has a lot to offer for kids.
Zoo. I am not an animal lover, and neither are my kids, but even for us this is a magnificent trip through animal kingdom. Prepare to spend the whole day there and be amazed. The zoo is a home for most interesting animals, insects, lizards and birds from around the world. When you get tired of walking (and you will), take a bus tour around the zoo, hop on the express bus, or take a gondola ride.
Marine world. This is definitely the greatest theme park we've been to. Yes, better than Disneyland. It has a few thrill rides, but the best attraction is definitely the animals. You meet face to face with amazing fish, dolphins, whales, polar bears and other sea creatures. On your first visit, you will be blown away. I love to watch the animals, but the shows are great too.
Zoo. I am not an animal lover, and neither are my kids, but even for us this is a magnificent trip through animal kingdom. Prepare to spend the whole day there and be amazed. The zoo is a home for most interesting animals, insects, lizards and birds from around the world. When you get tired of walking (and you will), take a bus tour around the zoo, hop on the express bus, or take a gondola ride.
Marine world. This is definitely the greatest theme park we've been to. Yes, better than Disneyland. It has a few thrill rides, but the best attraction is definitely the animals. You meet face to face with amazing fish, dolphins, whales, polar bears and other sea creatures. On your first visit, you will be blown away. I love to watch the animals, but the shows are great too.Balboa park. It's a home for many museums, including aerospace, automotive, art, 
anthropology (the museum of man), science center, and 
others. Besides the museums, stroll through the park is most pleasant. The buildings are beautiful. There are the botanical gardens - lovely. Again, plan to spend the whole day, and choose the museums that best suit your taste, because you won't be able to visit them all.
anthropology (the museum of man), science center, and 
others. Besides the museums, stroll through the park is most pleasant. The buildings are beautiful. There are the botanical gardens - lovely. Again, plan to spend the whole day, and choose the museums that best suit your taste, because you won't be able to visit them all.
Maritime museum. There are several ship that it contains. My favorite is an old ship from centuries ago. A must see for pirate lovers. Another is a ferry boat that once evacuated people from San Francisco to Oakland during the earthquake in 1906. There are also two submarines - one is old Soviet war submarine, and the other is an american research submarine. You can visit all of those and get a tour by the guides dressed in character costumes. You even get a souvenir at the end. And, if you like, you can have a boat ride, too.
Old town. I just finished reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to my older son, and this 
was the perfect opportunity to show how the old town of Sankt Pitersberg, where Tom lived, might've looked like. It is hard for kids today to imagine that there was a time when parents didn't drive their children to school and playdates, and Old town San Diego is a good trip back in time. The biggest hit is an old school house, where tour guide was kind enough to tell us everything about the school life of a century ago. Especially interesting was the list of punishments that kids got for different offences. For example, not only girls and boys sat separately in school, they were not allowed to play together. The kids were also punished (by lashes) for climbing trees, pouring water on each other, telling lies, wearing long fingernails, and other things. Old school house is a must visit for school age children.
was the perfect opportunity to show how the old town of Sankt Pitersberg, where Tom lived, might've looked like. It is hard for kids today to imagine that there was a time when parents didn't drive their children to school and playdates, and Old town San Diego is a good trip back in time. The biggest hit is an old school house, where tour guide was kind enough to tell us everything about the school life of a century ago. Especially interesting was the list of punishments that kids got for different offences. For example, not only girls and boys sat separately in school, they were not allowed to play together. The kids were also punished (by lashes) for climbing trees, pouring water on each other, telling lies, wearing long fingernails, and other things. Old school house is a must visit for school age children.Beaches. There are many of them in San Diego, and for those of us who live in Bay Area this is
definitely an attraction. We visited Coronado beach which is big, sandy, and has tide pools with crabs, small fish, and other small creatures. The water is warm enough to swim, and going to the beach is definitely a fun way to spend a day.
definitely an attraction. We visited Coronado beach which is big, sandy, and has tide pools with crabs, small fish, and other small creatures. The water is warm enough to swim, and going to the beach is definitely a fun way to spend a day.While many cities have attractions and night life that appeal to adults, for us who almost always travel with children, vacation is much more enjoyable when the kids can get something out of it too. San Diego is definitely such a place. Go visit, and if you know of a place that has things kids might like (besides theme parks), please let me know.
Monday, August 3, 2009
A plan for every day
Monday - Academy of Science
Tuesday - Art museum
Wednesday - a playdate
Thursday - Great America theme park
Friday - don't know yet, but probably some form of entertainment
Not to mention 6 weeks of sports - art - field trips - overnight camping - learning about Israel camp that we just finished.
Am I spoiling my kids?
I've already complained (about 100 times) how they don't get along, and how they can't be left alone for 10 minutes without starting a fight. And how they have 100 toys and games that they never use, and refuse to play with, unless somebody plays with them. We have a month of vacation left before school starts, and I really want to avoid the whining and fighting and yelling and screaming because my kids don't know how to entertain themselves, and that's why I have every day planned. But maybe it's because I've always had a plan for every day, they don't know how to entertain themselves? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
I am a stay-home mom, and it's my job to make sure that my kids are well entertained and well educated. It's my job to play with them, to take them to activities, to visit museums and theme parks. But it's also my job to cook dinners and clean the house. And sometimes I also want to write a blog or read a book. It's no problem when the kids are in school or camp. But when they are at home, spending all my time with them since the day they were born comes to bite me in the rear. Or does it? Does it matter that I've spent so much time with them? Shouldn't it come to the kids naturally to want some freedom from adults' attention and desire to play between themselves sometimes?
I have a friend who has 4 kids, and I keep asking her how much time she spends time with them and still has time for housework and studying. She says that her kids don't need a lot of attention and play happily between themselves. She says that they even sometimes require privacy when she does have time to play with them.
My younger son recently had a playdate. I went to drop him off, and naturally, my older son wanted to stay. He was not invited initially, so I told him he could not. But the lady said: "it's ok, they all play together." She had 4 kids, including a baby! My 2 children would make 6. And she was absolutely calm about it, she was sure that the kids would play happily together without causing her any trouble. And I can't keep the house in one piece with my two! Is it my fault (because I gave them all my attention and they never learned to play by themselves) or is it their personality that is at fault, and they are just kids who need more attention than others?
I have to confess that I love spending time with my children. I love taking them to the museums and enjoying the whole experience with them, answering their questions, taking tours and learning new things along with them. I have fun going to theme parks with them and riding roller coasters (not the crazy ones!) I enjoy having their playdates in our house, watching them interact with their peers. I enjoy going to the beach with them, watching them play with water and sand. I enjoy driving them to activities, watching them learn and excel in new things, be it gymnastics, chess, or dance. And I enjoy reading to them right before they go to bed, although they are old enough to read by themselves. I just can't give up that pleasure. So, I have to confess that spending a week with my children away from household chores is like a vacation to me. It has always been that way. Did I harm my children's ability to entertain themselves by being so selfish? It seems to me that if I didn't give myself the pleasure of being with my children as much as I could, they might have been more inclined to play by themselves, but all of us would've been less happy.
Tuesday - Art museum
Wednesday - a playdate
Thursday - Great America theme park
Friday - don't know yet, but probably some form of entertainment
Not to mention 6 weeks of sports - art - field trips - overnight camping - learning about Israel camp that we just finished.
Am I spoiling my kids?
I've already complained (about 100 times) how they don't get along, and how they can't be left alone for 10 minutes without starting a fight. And how they have 100 toys and games that they never use, and refuse to play with, unless somebody plays with them. We have a month of vacation left before school starts, and I really want to avoid the whining and fighting and yelling and screaming because my kids don't know how to entertain themselves, and that's why I have every day planned. But maybe it's because I've always had a plan for every day, they don't know how to entertain themselves? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
I am a stay-home mom, and it's my job to make sure that my kids are well entertained and well educated. It's my job to play with them, to take them to activities, to visit museums and theme parks. But it's also my job to cook dinners and clean the house. And sometimes I also want to write a blog or read a book. It's no problem when the kids are in school or camp. But when they are at home, spending all my time with them since the day they were born comes to bite me in the rear. Or does it? Does it matter that I've spent so much time with them? Shouldn't it come to the kids naturally to want some freedom from adults' attention and desire to play between themselves sometimes?
I have a friend who has 4 kids, and I keep asking her how much time she spends time with them and still has time for housework and studying. She says that her kids don't need a lot of attention and play happily between themselves. She says that they even sometimes require privacy when she does have time to play with them.
My younger son recently had a playdate. I went to drop him off, and naturally, my older son wanted to stay. He was not invited initially, so I told him he could not. But the lady said: "it's ok, they all play together." She had 4 kids, including a baby! My 2 children would make 6. And she was absolutely calm about it, she was sure that the kids would play happily together without causing her any trouble. And I can't keep the house in one piece with my two! Is it my fault (because I gave them all my attention and they never learned to play by themselves) or is it their personality that is at fault, and they are just kids who need more attention than others?
I have to confess that I love spending time with my children. I love taking them to the museums and enjoying the whole experience with them, answering their questions, taking tours and learning new things along with them. I have fun going to theme parks with them and riding roller coasters (not the crazy ones!) I enjoy having their playdates in our house, watching them interact with their peers. I enjoy going to the beach with them, watching them play with water and sand. I enjoy driving them to activities, watching them learn and excel in new things, be it gymnastics, chess, or dance. And I enjoy reading to them right before they go to bed, although they are old enough to read by themselves. I just can't give up that pleasure. So, I have to confess that spending a week with my children away from household chores is like a vacation to me. It has always been that way. Did I harm my children's ability to entertain themselves by being so selfish? It seems to me that if I didn't give myself the pleasure of being with my children as much as I could, they might have been more inclined to play by themselves, but all of us would've been less happy.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tanya's rules of parenting
A friend of mine gave me an idea for this entry, but it comes entirely from my experience.
Things you should never force your child to do:
1. Eat when he is not hungry (you wouldn't do it, why should he?)
2. Eat the food he doesn't like, even if it's good for him. You can always find an acceptable substitution.
3. Dress more warmly than he would like to. Kids are more comfortable in lighter clothes than adults, even when it's cold.
4. Wear a shirt he does not like - give him a choice. He should have some control over his life.
5. Play with a toy he does not like, even if he made you buy it yesterday - it's a lost battle for everyone. Instead, don't buy him any more toys next time.
6. Make him be brave and try that roller coaster that he is so afraid of in an amusement park - he may not be into the roller coaster thing, and there is nothing wrong with that.
7. Share his special toy with a friend - before a playdate, help him hide all the toys he would not like to share.
8. Amuse your friends by reading that poem he just learned (or playing a piano piece, or with his any other talent) unless he wants to - he is a child, not an entertainer. Besides, you are proud of your child's accomplishments, but your friends may not share your excitement.
9. Take an activity that he does not like, even if you think it's important. He can only be good at something if he is excited about it. We all have seen that mom who pushes her screaming 2-year-old into the water for a swimming class - not a pretty sight, and a useless exercise of power. She won't swim until she is ready.
10. Socialize with a child he does not like, even if you are friends with the parents of this child. Again, no winners. Make up some excuse not to hurt anybody's feelings (it's ok, my son has been rejected many times by girls who he wanted to play with).
Things you may want to help your child with, if he does not do them on his own:
1. Read. Start with 10 minutes a day and go from there. Read to him, if you must, until he becomes interested and decides to try it himself. If he refuses, try positive discipline (my favorite is a star for every 15 minutes, 10 stars earns a present), or negative one: no reading - no TV/video games.
2. Chores. The earlier the better. He has to learn responsibility. Avoid the temptation to do everything yourself because it's faster and you don't have to redo it afterwards. He'll get better at it and eventually it'll be much easier for you because you won't have to do it. Never give money for doing chores. Instead, give a lot of praise, and once in a while do something pleasant for him - a movie, a new book (do mention that it's because he's been so helpful). No chores - no play (restaurants, movies, playdates).
3. An activity. A child needs at least one (for his self-esteem if nothing else - he'll be proud that he can do something others can't). Let him choose one for himself - he'll appreciate that he was given a choice.
4. Being neat. Sloppy clothes show disrespect to other people, messy handwriting - disrespect to a teacher. Don't let him go outside in a dirty t-shirt, and don't let him turn in a messy homework.
5. Using nice language - no "who cares" or "shut up". I am still working on that one :-)
6. Being polite - remind him of the words like "thank you", "please", and "excuse me".
7. Not interrupting. When interrupted, say (politely): "excuse me, I am talking to your father right now, but I will gladly listen to you when I am finished."
8. Speaking clearly. This is important for his future career. If he speaks too fast or using incorrect language, make him repeat or help him rephrase what he said. My son took a public speaking class - if you find one, it may be quite helpful.
9. Going to bed at the proper time (especially if he needs to get up early). I know it's not my business, but 12am is not a proper time. Getting enough sleep is very important.
10. And the most difficult - resisting peer pressure. Don't give in to "everybody is doing it" - it will come back to bite you in the tuhis.
Things you should never force your child to do:
1. Eat when he is not hungry (you wouldn't do it, why should he?)
2. Eat the food he doesn't like, even if it's good for him. You can always find an acceptable substitution.
3. Dress more warmly than he would like to. Kids are more comfortable in lighter clothes than adults, even when it's cold.
4. Wear a shirt he does not like - give him a choice. He should have some control over his life.
5. Play with a toy he does not like, even if he made you buy it yesterday - it's a lost battle for everyone. Instead, don't buy him any more toys next time.
6. Make him be brave and try that roller coaster that he is so afraid of in an amusement park - he may not be into the roller coaster thing, and there is nothing wrong with that.
7. Share his special toy with a friend - before a playdate, help him hide all the toys he would not like to share.
8. Amuse your friends by reading that poem he just learned (or playing a piano piece, or with his any other talent) unless he wants to - he is a child, not an entertainer. Besides, you are proud of your child's accomplishments, but your friends may not share your excitement.
9. Take an activity that he does not like, even if you think it's important. He can only be good at something if he is excited about it. We all have seen that mom who pushes her screaming 2-year-old into the water for a swimming class - not a pretty sight, and a useless exercise of power. She won't swim until she is ready.
10. Socialize with a child he does not like, even if you are friends with the parents of this child. Again, no winners. Make up some excuse not to hurt anybody's feelings (it's ok, my son has been rejected many times by girls who he wanted to play with).
Things you may want to help your child with, if he does not do them on his own:
1. Read. Start with 10 minutes a day and go from there. Read to him, if you must, until he becomes interested and decides to try it himself. If he refuses, try positive discipline (my favorite is a star for every 15 minutes, 10 stars earns a present), or negative one: no reading - no TV/video games.
2. Chores. The earlier the better. He has to learn responsibility. Avoid the temptation to do everything yourself because it's faster and you don't have to redo it afterwards. He'll get better at it and eventually it'll be much easier for you because you won't have to do it. Never give money for doing chores. Instead, give a lot of praise, and once in a while do something pleasant for him - a movie, a new book (do mention that it's because he's been so helpful). No chores - no play (restaurants, movies, playdates).
3. An activity. A child needs at least one (for his self-esteem if nothing else - he'll be proud that he can do something others can't). Let him choose one for himself - he'll appreciate that he was given a choice.
4. Being neat. Sloppy clothes show disrespect to other people, messy handwriting - disrespect to a teacher. Don't let him go outside in a dirty t-shirt, and don't let him turn in a messy homework.
5. Using nice language - no "who cares" or "shut up". I am still working on that one :-)
6. Being polite - remind him of the words like "thank you", "please", and "excuse me".
7. Not interrupting. When interrupted, say (politely): "excuse me, I am talking to your father right now, but I will gladly listen to you when I am finished."
8. Speaking clearly. This is important for his future career. If he speaks too fast or using incorrect language, make him repeat or help him rephrase what he said. My son took a public speaking class - if you find one, it may be quite helpful.
9. Going to bed at the proper time (especially if he needs to get up early). I know it's not my business, but 12am is not a proper time. Getting enough sleep is very important.
10. And the most difficult - resisting peer pressure. Don't give in to "everybody is doing it" - it will come back to bite you in the tuhis.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Adventures in reading
My older son is an extremely enthusiastic learner. He asks questions non-stop. He watches educational TV programs. He browses dictionaries and encyclopedias. But to everybody's great surprise, he does not like to read.
He's never liked to read. When he was a baby and I tried to show him picture books, he would crawl away. When I read him "word" books, he would walk away. When I tried nursery rhymes, he would run away. And when I tried short stories, he refused to listen. It is a mystery to me why a child who has such an inquisitive mind would refuse to read. I taught him how to read in Russian, just as my father taught me, at age 4. He taught himself how to read in English before he started Kindergarten. But knowing how to read did not translate into reading.
I tried not to push it. I am smart enough to know that if you push something too hard, you eventually will make a child hate it, while if you pretend not to worry, he might outgrow it. So I let it rest for a while. I let the school do the work - he could not walk away from listening to the stories in Kindergarten, and he was obligated to read short books in 1st grade. But we did not move any further than that.
In 2nd grade, Alex discovered non-fiction books. That was something he could use! The only books he would bring from the school library was math books ("Geometry for every kid", "Cool math", and his favorite "Math for girls"). He asked me to read and explain to him the physics book that we have, but unfortunately, I know so little about physics, that eventually he was explaining it to me. For his birthday, he got an astronomy book so big it would not fit on our coffee table. It took him the whole summer to read it, but he finished it from cover to cover. He asked for more astronomy books, but I am afraid that all the world's knowledge of astronomy was covered in that book and there is no more to be learned.
At least that was a start. Now, it was time to move to fiction books, I thought, but Alex did not share my sentiment. "What can I learn from a fiction book?" - he asked, - "It teaches nothing." "It expands your vocabulary", - I tried, - "It makes your imagination work." No result. "Fiction books teach you how to live, how to behave in difficult situations, what is bad and what is good." I was not getting anywhere.
As always, school came to the rescue. They set up a requirement that a child should read, or be read to, at least 15 minutes a day. I knew that Alex would not disobey school rules. In fact, now he would not go to bed until I read to him for 15 minutes (of course he preferred the physics book, but since I did not learn any more physics, I picked different books). We started with fairy tales by the great Russian poet A.S.Pushkin. Then we moved to other fairy tales, from Russia and other countries. Alex listened, but I knew he was not thrilled.
One day I was browsing the Internet book stores for something that might interest Alex, and I found a book "History of England for kids" by Charles Dickens (the book was actually translated into Russian). I bought it, and we started reading it. It was not an easy read, even for me, so "for kids" was a stretch. But Alex loved it. He remembered the dates, the names of kings, the dates of wars, and even understood the parts that I missed. It was an incredible experience reading it with Alex.
After that, I bought another history book - "History of Russia for kids." Again, "for kids" was a stretch, but Alex loved it all the same. Lucky for us, my father used to be a history teacher, and after reading a chapter, I would make Alex call his grandfather and ask about the parts he did not understand, or for more information about the chapter. Alex compared what he learned from a book to what my father was telling him, sometimes being surprised that the book and his grandfather did not agree on some point. He learned that history is not an exact science, and the experts sometimes disagree on what actually happened. It was another great experience.
After that Alex asked for another history book, but I could not find one, so I decided to go back to fiction. Going back to what we learned about English history, I picked up Mark Twain's "The Prince And the Pauper." This is what we were reading for a couple of weeks, and just finished today. I could not wait until the evening when we both crawled under the blanket and I read this book to him. I could tell that Alex was mesmerized. This is the first fiction book he actually loved, and I was so happy to share this book with him.
After we finished reading, we had a long discussion. We discussed what in the story was actually true, and what was fiction. We agreed that the book told us a lot about the kings Henry VIII and Edward VI, about their times and traditions, and how people lived in those times. So, we agreed, that fiction books can teach something too. We also discussed what made the story fictional, and incidentally, made it interesting.
My next project is to make Alex want to read by himself. I do want him to learn to do it, but at the same time I am sad about it because that means I will not be able to share those reading times and discoveries with him anymore. We agreed that our next big project is "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer." I decided that we'll start to read together, and then I will try to get Alex to continue reading by himself. We'll see if any of us gives up.
He's never liked to read. When he was a baby and I tried to show him picture books, he would crawl away. When I read him "word" books, he would walk away. When I tried nursery rhymes, he would run away. And when I tried short stories, he refused to listen. It is a mystery to me why a child who has such an inquisitive mind would refuse to read. I taught him how to read in Russian, just as my father taught me, at age 4. He taught himself how to read in English before he started Kindergarten. But knowing how to read did not translate into reading.
I tried not to push it. I am smart enough to know that if you push something too hard, you eventually will make a child hate it, while if you pretend not to worry, he might outgrow it. So I let it rest for a while. I let the school do the work - he could not walk away from listening to the stories in Kindergarten, and he was obligated to read short books in 1st grade. But we did not move any further than that.
In 2nd grade, Alex discovered non-fiction books. That was something he could use! The only books he would bring from the school library was math books ("Geometry for every kid", "Cool math", and his favorite "Math for girls"). He asked me to read and explain to him the physics book that we have, but unfortunately, I know so little about physics, that eventually he was explaining it to me. For his birthday, he got an astronomy book so big it would not fit on our coffee table. It took him the whole summer to read it, but he finished it from cover to cover. He asked for more astronomy books, but I am afraid that all the world's knowledge of astronomy was covered in that book and there is no more to be learned.
At least that was a start. Now, it was time to move to fiction books, I thought, but Alex did not share my sentiment. "What can I learn from a fiction book?" - he asked, - "It teaches nothing." "It expands your vocabulary", - I tried, - "It makes your imagination work." No result. "Fiction books teach you how to live, how to behave in difficult situations, what is bad and what is good." I was not getting anywhere.
As always, school came to the rescue. They set up a requirement that a child should read, or be read to, at least 15 minutes a day. I knew that Alex would not disobey school rules. In fact, now he would not go to bed until I read to him for 15 minutes (of course he preferred the physics book, but since I did not learn any more physics, I picked different books). We started with fairy tales by the great Russian poet A.S.Pushkin. Then we moved to other fairy tales, from Russia and other countries. Alex listened, but I knew he was not thrilled.
One day I was browsing the Internet book stores for something that might interest Alex, and I found a book "History of England for kids" by Charles Dickens (the book was actually translated into Russian). I bought it, and we started reading it. It was not an easy read, even for me, so "for kids" was a stretch. But Alex loved it. He remembered the dates, the names of kings, the dates of wars, and even understood the parts that I missed. It was an incredible experience reading it with Alex.
After that, I bought another history book - "History of Russia for kids." Again, "for kids" was a stretch, but Alex loved it all the same. Lucky for us, my father used to be a history teacher, and after reading a chapter, I would make Alex call his grandfather and ask about the parts he did not understand, or for more information about the chapter. Alex compared what he learned from a book to what my father was telling him, sometimes being surprised that the book and his grandfather did not agree on some point. He learned that history is not an exact science, and the experts sometimes disagree on what actually happened. It was another great experience.
After that Alex asked for another history book, but I could not find one, so I decided to go back to fiction. Going back to what we learned about English history, I picked up Mark Twain's "The Prince And the Pauper." This is what we were reading for a couple of weeks, and just finished today. I could not wait until the evening when we both crawled under the blanket and I read this book to him. I could tell that Alex was mesmerized. This is the first fiction book he actually loved, and I was so happy to share this book with him.
After we finished reading, we had a long discussion. We discussed what in the story was actually true, and what was fiction. We agreed that the book told us a lot about the kings Henry VIII and Edward VI, about their times and traditions, and how people lived in those times. So, we agreed, that fiction books can teach something too. We also discussed what made the story fictional, and incidentally, made it interesting.
My next project is to make Alex want to read by himself. I do want him to learn to do it, but at the same time I am sad about it because that means I will not be able to share those reading times and discoveries with him anymore. We agreed that our next big project is "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer." I decided that we'll start to read together, and then I will try to get Alex to continue reading by himself. We'll see if any of us gives up.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Memories of turkish coffee
I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to find turkish coffee in America. Is it so hard to make?
All my late childhood was spent in little Odessa cafes that served only turkish coffee (probably because they didn't have those convenient coffeemakers they use in America). I would be sitting in one of those small cafes with my best friend at the time, drinking a cup of coffee. She would be smoking, and I would try to convince her to stop. It was shocking to me at one time that she started smoking, but little by little I've grown to love the smell of a cigarette mixed with the smell of coffee. I still love it now.
We would tell each other stories about school. We talked about soccer (or football, as we called it in Europe). We both loved soccer, which was strange for girls at that time and place - only men played soccer, and only men liked it. And then she would tell me about her boyfriends and other friends, and all of her adventures.
Unfortunately, her other friends turned out to be the wrong crowd. They taught her to smoke, and eventually they taught her to drink. I saw less and less of her, and so did her parents. She run away from home a few times. Last time she run away was a week before I was supposed to leave to America. The police was searching for her all over the city. My heart was heavy. If it wasn't enough that I had to leave - leave all my friends, my city that I loved dearly, leave little cafes and turkish coffee - I had to leave without knowing what happened to my friend. For all I knew she could be dead, and I would never find out. Luckily, she was not. She appeared 2 days before my departure. I could sigh easily - at least she was home safe. But her life did not become any better. Never, ever.
I often hear from my friends that I am too protective of my kids. "Everybody should be allowed to make mistakes", - they say, - "and learn from them." "Most people make mistakes in their childhood, and they turn out fine." This is true, and there are enough mistakes to go around. What people don't realize very often, is that some mistakes you made in your teenage years, could haunt you a lifetime. I saw it happened. Moreover, it almost happened to me. I was lucky enough to escape. My friend was not. From my own experience, I know which mistakes are harmless and can be sorted out by the kids, and which are dangerous. I can't protect my kids from every mistake, but I can try to teach them to trust me and ask for help if they are ever in trouble.
I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. I am thinking of my friend.
All my late childhood was spent in little Odessa cafes that served only turkish coffee (probably because they didn't have those convenient coffeemakers they use in America). I would be sitting in one of those small cafes with my best friend at the time, drinking a cup of coffee. She would be smoking, and I would try to convince her to stop. It was shocking to me at one time that she started smoking, but little by little I've grown to love the smell of a cigarette mixed with the smell of coffee. I still love it now.
We would tell each other stories about school. We talked about soccer (or football, as we called it in Europe). We both loved soccer, which was strange for girls at that time and place - only men played soccer, and only men liked it. And then she would tell me about her boyfriends and other friends, and all of her adventures.
Unfortunately, her other friends turned out to be the wrong crowd. They taught her to smoke, and eventually they taught her to drink. I saw less and less of her, and so did her parents. She run away from home a few times. Last time she run away was a week before I was supposed to leave to America. The police was searching for her all over the city. My heart was heavy. If it wasn't enough that I had to leave - leave all my friends, my city that I loved dearly, leave little cafes and turkish coffee - I had to leave without knowing what happened to my friend. For all I knew she could be dead, and I would never find out. Luckily, she was not. She appeared 2 days before my departure. I could sigh easily - at least she was home safe. But her life did not become any better. Never, ever.
I often hear from my friends that I am too protective of my kids. "Everybody should be allowed to make mistakes", - they say, - "and learn from them." "Most people make mistakes in their childhood, and they turn out fine." This is true, and there are enough mistakes to go around. What people don't realize very often, is that some mistakes you made in your teenage years, could haunt you a lifetime. I saw it happened. Moreover, it almost happened to me. I was lucky enough to escape. My friend was not. From my own experience, I know which mistakes are harmless and can be sorted out by the kids, and which are dangerous. I can't protect my kids from every mistake, but I can try to teach them to trust me and ask for help if they are ever in trouble.
I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. I am thinking of my friend.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The war of the worlds (continued)
My hope that my kids will someday be friends is fading. Their quarrels are getting worse by the day. Before it was mostly yelling at each other and calling names, but it for the last few days it grew into hitting and crying.
I found no other solution so far but to separate them as much as I could. Luckily, we have a minivan, so this 3rd row seats came in handy - I require that one of them sit there, instead of next to each other, so they at least can't kick each other when I am driving. Once we get home and quarrelling starts (and it doesn't take long) I send my older son to his room, requesting that he lock the door and find an occupation of some sort (reading, writing, math are his usual choices). It seems like a punishment, but it's really not - he is glad to take a break from his younger sibling who is torturing him every single minute. Taking a break from each other does them some good, and gives me a moment of peace.
Lucky for me, something happened yesterday that gave me some hope. We received an envelope from school that contained some papers from Mark's class, including the I-Care rules that they used in class. I have to mention that my kids love school and are happy to do everything the school requires. So, I said, starting now, we are implementing the I-Care rules at home:
1. We listen to each other (meaning we don't yell at the same time, and preferably, not yell at all)
2. Hands are for helping, not hurting (obviously, that means no hitting, pushing and kicking)
3. We use I-Care language (no "I don't care", "I hate you", "shut up", "you are stupid", etc.)
4. We care about each other's feelings (meaning no cheating when playing games, no banging or singing when I read to one of them, no making annoying noises and no calling names)
5. We are responsible for what we say and do (we are still figuring out what that means to us)
When we follow these rules for a day, I said, each gets a smiley face for that day. When each of them gets 10 smiley faces, everybody gets a present. And guess what - today's ride to camp was just a pleasure. I didn't even have to take a shower to cool off when I got home.
For those who don't know, a positive discipline is when you reward good behaviour instead of punishing the bad one. Positive discipline not only works better, it is also more practical - there are only so many privileges you can take away, but you can always find a reward. Unfortunately, when I get mad, I forget about positive discipline, and try to find punishment, which doesn't come easy to me, and I always choose a silly one that I can't stick to. Bad decision.
Our positive discipline started when I was potty training my older son. He started using a potty for pooping (pardon my expression) at 1 year of age, but he refused to pee in a potty until he was 2, for no reason whatsoever. I tried every trick from parenting books - no result. Then I invented a new (at least for me) trick - for every time he peed in a toilet, I gave him candy. I used little gummy bears not to spoil his teeth (I have to mention that he never had candy before this experiment). This worked like magic. In 2 weeks, he was out of diapers, and I didn't even need to give him candy anymore.
Another example of positive discipline. My older son gets up at 6am. He's been that way since he was a baby - he has never been a good sleeper. For years, we've tried to ask him, if he cannot sleep, to at least stay in his room and not to wake up the whole house. All in vain. We asked him to read a book or watch TV - no result. "I am bored" - he said. We tried punishment - with no result. At 6am the whole house was up.
About a month ago I remembered about potty training experiment. I printed a list of dates, and said that for every date he stays quiet in his room and does not wake up the house, he gets a smiley face, and for 10 smiley faces he gets a book. Guess what - for 10 days dad got half an hour of extra sleep, brother got about an hour of extra sleep (he is a much better sleeper) and the quarrelling didn't start before 7 am. So, we went to B&N and got 2 books by H.G. Wells. Everybody was a winner. The family got extra rest. Alex got to choose his books. And I helped him to choose fiction - something he does not usually read.
The best thing about positive discipline is you only have to give a reward a few times - then kids get into a habit of doing what you want them to, and they forget about a reward.
I don't expect our I-Care rules to work immediately. Afterall, it takes two to follow them, and that means it will take twice as much time (maybe more, since we are so used to annoying the wits out of each other). But I sincerely hope that eventually they will work. I am already working on finding a gift.
I found no other solution so far but to separate them as much as I could. Luckily, we have a minivan, so this 3rd row seats came in handy - I require that one of them sit there, instead of next to each other, so they at least can't kick each other when I am driving. Once we get home and quarrelling starts (and it doesn't take long) I send my older son to his room, requesting that he lock the door and find an occupation of some sort (reading, writing, math are his usual choices). It seems like a punishment, but it's really not - he is glad to take a break from his younger sibling who is torturing him every single minute. Taking a break from each other does them some good, and gives me a moment of peace.
Lucky for me, something happened yesterday that gave me some hope. We received an envelope from school that contained some papers from Mark's class, including the I-Care rules that they used in class. I have to mention that my kids love school and are happy to do everything the school requires. So, I said, starting now, we are implementing the I-Care rules at home:
1. We listen to each other (meaning we don't yell at the same time, and preferably, not yell at all)
2. Hands are for helping, not hurting (obviously, that means no hitting, pushing and kicking)
3. We use I-Care language (no "I don't care", "I hate you", "shut up", "you are stupid", etc.)
4. We care about each other's feelings (meaning no cheating when playing games, no banging or singing when I read to one of them, no making annoying noises and no calling names)
5. We are responsible for what we say and do (we are still figuring out what that means to us)
When we follow these rules for a day, I said, each gets a smiley face for that day. When each of them gets 10 smiley faces, everybody gets a present. And guess what - today's ride to camp was just a pleasure. I didn't even have to take a shower to cool off when I got home.
For those who don't know, a positive discipline is when you reward good behaviour instead of punishing the bad one. Positive discipline not only works better, it is also more practical - there are only so many privileges you can take away, but you can always find a reward. Unfortunately, when I get mad, I forget about positive discipline, and try to find punishment, which doesn't come easy to me, and I always choose a silly one that I can't stick to. Bad decision.
Our positive discipline started when I was potty training my older son. He started using a potty for pooping (pardon my expression) at 1 year of age, but he refused to pee in a potty until he was 2, for no reason whatsoever. I tried every trick from parenting books - no result. Then I invented a new (at least for me) trick - for every time he peed in a toilet, I gave him candy. I used little gummy bears not to spoil his teeth (I have to mention that he never had candy before this experiment). This worked like magic. In 2 weeks, he was out of diapers, and I didn't even need to give him candy anymore.
Another example of positive discipline. My older son gets up at 6am. He's been that way since he was a baby - he has never been a good sleeper. For years, we've tried to ask him, if he cannot sleep, to at least stay in his room and not to wake up the whole house. All in vain. We asked him to read a book or watch TV - no result. "I am bored" - he said. We tried punishment - with no result. At 6am the whole house was up.
About a month ago I remembered about potty training experiment. I printed a list of dates, and said that for every date he stays quiet in his room and does not wake up the house, he gets a smiley face, and for 10 smiley faces he gets a book. Guess what - for 10 days dad got half an hour of extra sleep, brother got about an hour of extra sleep (he is a much better sleeper) and the quarrelling didn't start before 7 am. So, we went to B&N and got 2 books by H.G. Wells. Everybody was a winner. The family got extra rest. Alex got to choose his books. And I helped him to choose fiction - something he does not usually read.
The best thing about positive discipline is you only have to give a reward a few times - then kids get into a habit of doing what you want them to, and they forget about a reward.
I don't expect our I-Care rules to work immediately. Afterall, it takes two to follow them, and that means it will take twice as much time (maybe more, since we are so used to annoying the wits out of each other). But I sincerely hope that eventually they will work. I am already working on finding a gift.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The war of the worlds
Have you ever had a day when you thought your kids were out to get you? I sure did today, on Father's day of all days.
The weather was beautiful, and I desperately wanted to go out for a walk - hike, a park, or a beach. But my kids didn't share my sentiment. They wanted to stay home and play basketball in the backyard all day. That's what they've been doing all week. But they don't just play. They play for 5 minutes, then start a fight accusing each other of cheating. They whine, they yell and they kick each other, then they find a solution and everything starts again.
I was not going to spend this beautiful sunny day at home breaking the fights again. I announced that we are going to the park whether they want to or not. That's when the whining started. I was the worst mother in the world because I was taking them to the park instead of letting them spend a day in the backyard. Afterall, it's summer, and every day is going to be sunny and warm, and I am staying home all day anyway, so I can go for a walk whenever I want.
I did not give up. I was hoping that when we get to the park, they will start playing and running, and will forget all about the backyard, and me and my husband will have a chance to rest and enjoy the sun. So I took a soccer ball and sun hats and made everybody get into the car.
The whining continued. I have to mention that my kids cannot take a car trip without annoying the wits out of each other. This trip was not an exception. I try to tune out the whining, the yelling, and the name calling, but it is not easy, and by the time we get to our destination usually steam comes out of my ears.
The weather was beautiful, and I desperately wanted to go out for a walk - hike, a park, or a beach. But my kids didn't share my sentiment. They wanted to stay home and play basketball in the backyard all day. That's what they've been doing all week. But they don't just play. They play for 5 minutes, then start a fight accusing each other of cheating. They whine, they yell and they kick each other, then they find a solution and everything starts again.
I was not going to spend this beautiful sunny day at home breaking the fights again. I announced that we are going to the park whether they want to or not. That's when the whining started. I was the worst mother in the world because I was taking them to the park instead of letting them spend a day in the backyard. Afterall, it's summer, and every day is going to be sunny and warm, and I am staying home all day anyway, so I can go for a walk whenever I want.
I did not give up. I was hoping that when we get to the park, they will start playing and running, and will forget all about the backyard, and me and my husband will have a chance to rest and enjoy the sun. So I took a soccer ball and sun hats and made everybody get into the car.
The whining continued. I have to mention that my kids cannot take a car trip without annoying the wits out of each other. This trip was not an exception. I try to tune out the whining, the yelling, and the name calling, but it is not easy, and by the time we get to our destination usually steam comes out of my ears.
When we got to the park, I got the ball and toys out, found a good spot to lie in the sun, and let the kids run around and play. Not for long. They refused to play, reminding me that I was the worst mother in the world for making them play with each other - they needed one of us for company. Since it was Father's day, I volunteered. We went out for a walk around the park, found some rocks they could throw around, and sure enough, one of the rocks hit one of the heads. The crying started. Then, again, I was reminded that I was the worst mom in the world for taking them to the park.
We spent about an hour in the park until we realized that going to the park was not a good idea afterall. Maybe we should've considered the kids' desire to stay home instead of my desire to get outside. We got into the car and went to town for some ice cream, and that diffused the situation (until the ride home, which went as usual).
To say that my kids don't get along very well would be an understatement if you ever heard one. They cannot spend 5 minutes with each other without driving one another (and me) crazy. When they are together for more then 5 minutes and there is no fight, my heart melts and I run out to get a camera to remind myself later that peace does actually happen sometimes.I try to explain to them how great it is to have a sibling, how lonely I was growing up without one, that when they grow up and we grow old they will be each other's best friend and support, but that does not resonate. The younger one does not understand that yet, and the older one is so mad at the younger one he refuses to understand.
I cannot believe in my wildest dreams that they will grow up hating each other. I know that it happens sometimes that siblings continue to hate each other even as they grow up. I just don't believe that this will happen in my family. Maybe I don't believe it because I consider having a sibling priceless growing up without one. I know (or pray) that this hating thing is a stage that they will outgrow. I only hope that they will outgrow it before they drive me crazy.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Crazy nostalgic
Here is a confession - I don't fly. I used to, but I don't anymore. What happened - don't know. Probably an inspiration.
Don't tell me that it's more dangerous to drive than to fly. Don't tell me that dying in a plain crash is less likely than being struck by lightning. Don't tell me that I have to see a shrink. And definitely don't tell me that I have phobia. Phobia, as any shrink will tell you, is an irrational fear. My fear is rational - remember, we had 3 plain crashes in only last couple of months? Yes, I am actually counting them, because people were there, you know.
I want to travel by train. It's amazing to me, America builds so many wonders, including democracies abroad, but it can't build a decent railroad which exists in every self-respecting country.
I want to take a train and go somewhere, just as I did when we took school trips. It was the most romantic thing. During the day we kids would play games like charades. It was hilarious. In the evening somebody would play a guitar and we would sing songs until it was very late. On every station, there were old women standing, selling boiled potatoes with garlic to train travelers - probably dirty, but extremely delicious.
And at night, I would climb onto my upper bed - there was no way I would sleep on a lower one, for all the money in the world. I would look through the window, then fall asleep to a soothing song of a moving train. And sometimes I would wake up at midnight, and the train would be standing on some station, and I would try to guess the name of the station and look at the trains running by.
Here, while you are complaining about the airlines loosing your luggage, not being ontime and serving terrible food, I am being nostalgic about the train rides. I left them back in the former Soviet Union where it was hard for many people to get airplane tickets, so they traveled by trains. Just like I left my childhood there.
Don't tell me that it's more dangerous to drive than to fly. Don't tell me that dying in a plain crash is less likely than being struck by lightning. Don't tell me that I have to see a shrink. And definitely don't tell me that I have phobia. Phobia, as any shrink will tell you, is an irrational fear. My fear is rational - remember, we had 3 plain crashes in only last couple of months? Yes, I am actually counting them, because people were there, you know.
I want to travel by train. It's amazing to me, America builds so many wonders, including democracies abroad, but it can't build a decent railroad which exists in every self-respecting country.
I want to take a train and go somewhere, just as I did when we took school trips. It was the most romantic thing. During the day we kids would play games like charades. It was hilarious. In the evening somebody would play a guitar and we would sing songs until it was very late. On every station, there were old women standing, selling boiled potatoes with garlic to train travelers - probably dirty, but extremely delicious.
And at night, I would climb onto my upper bed - there was no way I would sleep on a lower one, for all the money in the world. I would look through the window, then fall asleep to a soothing song of a moving train. And sometimes I would wake up at midnight, and the train would be standing on some station, and I would try to guess the name of the station and look at the trains running by.
Here, while you are complaining about the airlines loosing your luggage, not being ontime and serving terrible food, I am being nostalgic about the train rides. I left them back in the former Soviet Union where it was hard for many people to get airplane tickets, so they traveled by trains. Just like I left my childhood there.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Diary of old-fashioned housewife again
Last few weeks I have hated myself as a parent.
If I learned anything from my teenage years, it's that you have to become your children's confidant, so that when difficult teenage period comes, they will trust you and come to you with their problems instead of solving them on the streets. And the way to earn their trust is not to be over-controlling, always pick your battles correctly, listen to their desires, and respect their opinions. And I did so from the time my kids were born. How and when, then, did I turn into a control freak instead of caring and considerate mother?
Why do I make my children live by the rule "if we grew up without it, you can too"? We grew up without bananas, cheese, and oftentimes hot water. Yet I don't turn off hot water in our house when it's time to take a bath. Why, then, don't I let my children enjoy what our time and country has to offer?
Why can't they play video games? I can make sure that they are not violent, but I can also trust them to pick the right ones. But I don't trust them and get very nervous when they play on the computer or iPhone. And I strictly control the time - no more than half an hour a day. Same with TV. No more than an hour a day. Why do I have these restrictions? My explanation has always been: "if you allow them to play whenever they want, they will never stop." The fact is it's not true.
First, the games they play are completely harmless. They play "pack man" and "bejeweled" (did I spell it right?). My older son plays chess on the computer - not only it's not harmful, but actually beneficial. Still, I prefer that he plays chess with a live partner.
Next, they don't play for hours. Sometimes they like to play a little longer than they are allowed, and sometimes they don't even play for half an hour. Same with TV. My younger son watches "Sesame street" and "Blues clues." How harmful is that (except he is too old for these type of programs)? My older son watches basketball - for 15 minutes, and then takes a ball and goes to the backyard to play himself. Should I leave it up to the kids what to watch, what to play and for how long?
Next, an e-mail question. How harmful is it for a child to have an e-mail account? Yes, it may be useless, but if he really wants it because everybody else has it, why not? What's the harm in that? Why do I have to fight this useless battle?
Now, the money question. It's a little bit more serious and I am still debating it (with myself, mostly). I asked several parents - some do give allowance and some don't, and it doesn't seem to matter - kids turn out just fine. So, should I pick this battle?
My 9-year-old got so frustrated with me that he yelled: "Why do you have to be the strictest mother in my class? Other parents don't care if their kids say "shut up!" to their siblings, and I get punished for it." Well, sorry, this is where I put my foot down. Our family members will not be rude to each other. But don't I put my foot down too often?
I remember my parents to be very authoritarian. I didn't get a choice when to eat, what to wear, when to go to sleep. They still think that a child cannot decide these things for himself. And even though they were exceptional parents in all other respects, what they got in return was a very rebellious and troubled teenager who never came to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. In fact, they are still trying to control me and I still rebel, still don't come to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. They have learned nothing. Have I?
If I learned anything from my teenage years, it's that you have to become your children's confidant, so that when difficult teenage period comes, they will trust you and come to you with their problems instead of solving them on the streets. And the way to earn their trust is not to be over-controlling, always pick your battles correctly, listen to their desires, and respect their opinions. And I did so from the time my kids were born. How and when, then, did I turn into a control freak instead of caring and considerate mother?
Why do I make my children live by the rule "if we grew up without it, you can too"? We grew up without bananas, cheese, and oftentimes hot water. Yet I don't turn off hot water in our house when it's time to take a bath. Why, then, don't I let my children enjoy what our time and country has to offer?
Why can't they play video games? I can make sure that they are not violent, but I can also trust them to pick the right ones. But I don't trust them and get very nervous when they play on the computer or iPhone. And I strictly control the time - no more than half an hour a day. Same with TV. No more than an hour a day. Why do I have these restrictions? My explanation has always been: "if you allow them to play whenever they want, they will never stop." The fact is it's not true.
First, the games they play are completely harmless. They play "pack man" and "bejeweled" (did I spell it right?). My older son plays chess on the computer - not only it's not harmful, but actually beneficial. Still, I prefer that he plays chess with a live partner.
Next, they don't play for hours. Sometimes they like to play a little longer than they are allowed, and sometimes they don't even play for half an hour. Same with TV. My younger son watches "Sesame street" and "Blues clues." How harmful is that (except he is too old for these type of programs)? My older son watches basketball - for 15 minutes, and then takes a ball and goes to the backyard to play himself. Should I leave it up to the kids what to watch, what to play and for how long?
Next, an e-mail question. How harmful is it for a child to have an e-mail account? Yes, it may be useless, but if he really wants it because everybody else has it, why not? What's the harm in that? Why do I have to fight this useless battle?
Now, the money question. It's a little bit more serious and I am still debating it (with myself, mostly). I asked several parents - some do give allowance and some don't, and it doesn't seem to matter - kids turn out just fine. So, should I pick this battle?
My 9-year-old got so frustrated with me that he yelled: "Why do you have to be the strictest mother in my class? Other parents don't care if their kids say "shut up!" to their siblings, and I get punished for it." Well, sorry, this is where I put my foot down. Our family members will not be rude to each other. But don't I put my foot down too often?
I remember my parents to be very authoritarian. I didn't get a choice when to eat, what to wear, when to go to sleep. They still think that a child cannot decide these things for himself. And even though they were exceptional parents in all other respects, what they got in return was a very rebellious and troubled teenager who never came to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. In fact, they are still trying to control me and I still rebel, still don't come to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. They have learned nothing. Have I?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Money matters
What's the deal with allowance? I am new with this so I need some help. When do you start to give it to your kids (if ever)? Is it something they get no matter what or do they have to earn it? I understand that every family has different rules, and that is what I was trying to explain to my son, but he wouldn't hear it. "Everybody in my class has one." I repeated again and again that "everybody does it" argument doesn't work in our family. I also know that it's a tough point to get for a 9-year-old.
It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.
The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.
That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.
So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.
So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.
It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.
The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.
That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.
So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.
So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Diaries of an old-fashioned housewife
Recently my 9-year-old son asked me to create him an e-mail account. "What for? - I asked.
My opinion about internet/computer games/silly cartoons is the following: "if we grew up without it, you can too." And you can imagine how many of us had computers in the former Soviet Union. But my son was persistent, and so was I. I even started a discussion on our school mailing list whether a 3rd-grader needs e-mail and why. We all discussed it for a few days and came to a decision that I am an old-fashioned geek. Even though almost every child in class has an e-mail account, very few parents told me what they are using it for.
"Everyone in my class has it." My answer to "everyone is doing it" is always: "Every household has its own rules, and if you don't like mine, you can go live with somebody else's family." But a few days ago life made a joke on me. Alex started a special math school, where he has to have an e-mail account to communicate with his teacher. I lost a battle with modern age, which was probably bound to happen.
I am being a hypocrite when it comes to modern-day devices. I know that we need to visit each other more and talk on the phone, like in good old times, instead of exchanging e-mails and hanging on Facebook. And what's up with electronic cards? What happened to calling your friend on her birthday? To me, e-mailing a card is like saying: "I didn't forget your birthday, but I don't really care to talk to you, so here is your card." And what happened to these lovely "Happy anniversary" cards that you used to send by snail-mail to your out-of-town relatives? I used to love going to a stationary store to pick out cards for my friends - they made the cards so pretty here. Not anymore. Now we don't have time - e-mailing a card is easier (and cheaper). So I do it too.
I am not that old-fashioned. I use internet to e-mail pictures to my friends. Of course, sending e-mail to a friend that lives across the ocean is a lot faster than sending a snail-mail letter (which I did when I first came here and before I bought a computer btw). And I use Facebook to exchange thoughts and ideas.
So, I guess internet is not so bad afterall. And maybe I am being too hard on my kids for keeping their use of computers to a minimum. But they are still kids and they need guidance. It's like alcohol for teenagers. Most of us drink because we know how to do it in moderation. But teenagers are a different story - we know they will drink, so we have to explain to them the dangers of overuse. Same with internet and the little kids. We know they are using internet, so monitor what they do and explain how to use it properly.
My opinion about internet/computer games/silly cartoons is the following: "if we grew up without it, you can too." And you can imagine how many of us had computers in the former Soviet Union. But my son was persistent, and so was I. I even started a discussion on our school mailing list whether a 3rd-grader needs e-mail and why. We all discussed it for a few days and came to a decision that I am an old-fashioned geek. Even though almost every child in class has an e-mail account, very few parents told me what they are using it for.
"Everyone in my class has it." My answer to "everyone is doing it" is always: "Every household has its own rules, and if you don't like mine, you can go live with somebody else's family." But a few days ago life made a joke on me. Alex started a special math school, where he has to have an e-mail account to communicate with his teacher. I lost a battle with modern age, which was probably bound to happen.
I am being a hypocrite when it comes to modern-day devices. I know that we need to visit each other more and talk on the phone, like in good old times, instead of exchanging e-mails and hanging on Facebook. And what's up with electronic cards? What happened to calling your friend on her birthday? To me, e-mailing a card is like saying: "I didn't forget your birthday, but I don't really care to talk to you, so here is your card." And what happened to these lovely "Happy anniversary" cards that you used to send by snail-mail to your out-of-town relatives? I used to love going to a stationary store to pick out cards for my friends - they made the cards so pretty here. Not anymore. Now we don't have time - e-mailing a card is easier (and cheaper). So I do it too.
I am not that old-fashioned. I use internet to e-mail pictures to my friends. Of course, sending e-mail to a friend that lives across the ocean is a lot faster than sending a snail-mail letter (which I did when I first came here and before I bought a computer btw). And I use Facebook to exchange thoughts and ideas.
So, I guess internet is not so bad afterall. And maybe I am being too hard on my kids for keeping their use of computers to a minimum. But they are still kids and they need guidance. It's like alcohol for teenagers. Most of us drink because we know how to do it in moderation. But teenagers are a different story - we know they will drink, so we have to explain to them the dangers of overuse. Same with internet and the little kids. We know they are using internet, so monitor what they do and explain how to use it properly.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friend wanted
The other day a girl mentioned to me that I haven't been blogging for a while. She said she was a fan and I should continue to write. I did not know I had any fans, and if I do, I truly thank you. It's just for a while I couldn't think of a topic to write about. But today it came to me, so Ariel, this one is for you.
I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.
I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.
Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.
So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.
What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.
I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.
I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.
Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.
So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.
What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
