Friend wanted

The other day a girl mentioned to me that I haven't been blogging for a while. She said she was a fan and I should continue to write. I did not know I had any fans, and if I do, I truly thank you. It's just for a while I couldn't think of a topic to write about. But today it came to me, so Ariel, this one is for you.

I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.

I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.

Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.

So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.

What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.