The war of the worlds (continued)

My hope that my kids will someday be friends is fading. Their quarrels are getting worse by the day. Before it was mostly yelling at each other and calling names, but it for the last few days it grew into hitting and crying.

I found no other solution so far but to separate them as much as I could. Luckily, we have a minivan, so this 3rd row seats came in handy - I require that one of them sit there, instead of next to each other, so they at least can't kick each other when I am driving. Once we get home and quarrelling starts (and it doesn't take long) I send my older son to his room, requesting that he lock the door and find an occupation of some sort (reading, writing, math are his usual choices). It seems like a punishment, but it's really not - he is glad to take a break from his younger sibling who is torturing him every single minute. Taking a break from each other does them some good, and gives me a moment of peace.

Lucky for me, something happened yesterday that gave me some hope. We received an envelope from school that contained some papers from Mark's class, including the I-Care rules that they used in class. I have to mention that my kids love school and are happy to do everything the school requires. So, I said, starting now, we are implementing the I-Care rules at home:

1. We listen to each other (meaning we don't yell at the same time, and preferably, not yell at all)
2. Hands are for helping, not hurting (obviously, that means no hitting, pushing and kicking)
3. We use I-Care language (no "I don't care", "I hate you", "shut up", "you are stupid", etc.)
4. We care about each other's feelings (meaning no cheating when playing games, no banging or singing when I read to one of them, no making annoying noises and no calling names)
5. We are responsible for what we say and do (we are still figuring out what that means to us)

When we follow these rules for a day, I said, each gets a smiley face for that day. When each of them gets 10 smiley faces, everybody gets a present. And guess what - today's ride to camp was just a pleasure. I didn't even have to take a shower to cool off when I got home.

For those who don't know, a positive discipline is when you reward good behaviour instead of punishing the bad one. Positive discipline not only works better, it is also more practical - there are only so many privileges you can take away, but you can always find a reward. Unfortunately, when I get mad, I forget about positive discipline, and try to find punishment, which doesn't come easy to me, and I always choose a silly one that I can't stick to. Bad decision.

Our positive discipline started when I was potty training my older son. He started using a potty for pooping (pardon my expression) at 1 year of age, but he refused to pee in a potty until he was 2, for no reason whatsoever. I tried every trick from parenting books - no result. Then I invented a new (at least for me) trick - for every time he peed in a toilet, I gave him candy. I used little gummy bears not to spoil his teeth (I have to mention that he never had candy before this experiment). This worked like magic. In 2 weeks, he was out of diapers, and I didn't even need to give him candy anymore.

Another example of positive discipline. My older son gets up at 6am. He's been that way since he was a baby - he has never been a good sleeper. For years, we've tried to ask him, if he cannot sleep, to at least stay in his room and not to wake up the whole house. All in vain. We asked him to read a book or watch TV - no result. "I am bored" - he said. We tried punishment - with no result. At 6am the whole house was up.

About a month ago I remembered about potty training experiment. I printed a list of dates, and said that for every date he stays quiet in his room and does not wake up the house, he gets a smiley face, and for 10 smiley faces he gets a book. Guess what - for 10 days dad got half an hour of extra sleep, brother got about an hour of extra sleep (he is a much better sleeper) and the quarrelling didn't start before 7 am. So, we went to B&N and got 2 books by H.G. Wells. Everybody was a winner. The family got extra rest. Alex got to choose his books. And I helped him to choose fiction - something he does not usually read.

The best thing about positive discipline is you only have to give a reward a few times - then kids get into a habit of doing what you want them to, and they forget about a reward.

I don't expect our I-Care rules to work immediately. Afterall, it takes two to follow them, and that means it will take twice as much time (maybe more, since we are so used to annoying the wits out of each other). But I sincerely hope that eventually they will work. I am already working on finding a gift.