The war of the worlds (continued)

My hope that my kids will someday be friends is fading. Their quarrels are getting worse by the day. Before it was mostly yelling at each other and calling names, but it for the last few days it grew into hitting and crying.

I found no other solution so far but to separate them as much as I could. Luckily, we have a minivan, so this 3rd row seats came in handy - I require that one of them sit there, instead of next to each other, so they at least can't kick each other when I am driving. Once we get home and quarrelling starts (and it doesn't take long) I send my older son to his room, requesting that he lock the door and find an occupation of some sort (reading, writing, math are his usual choices). It seems like a punishment, but it's really not - he is glad to take a break from his younger sibling who is torturing him every single minute. Taking a break from each other does them some good, and gives me a moment of peace.

Lucky for me, something happened yesterday that gave me some hope. We received an envelope from school that contained some papers from Mark's class, including the I-Care rules that they used in class. I have to mention that my kids love school and are happy to do everything the school requires. So, I said, starting now, we are implementing the I-Care rules at home:

1. We listen to each other (meaning we don't yell at the same time, and preferably, not yell at all)
2. Hands are for helping, not hurting (obviously, that means no hitting, pushing and kicking)
3. We use I-Care language (no "I don't care", "I hate you", "shut up", "you are stupid", etc.)
4. We care about each other's feelings (meaning no cheating when playing games, no banging or singing when I read to one of them, no making annoying noises and no calling names)
5. We are responsible for what we say and do (we are still figuring out what that means to us)

When we follow these rules for a day, I said, each gets a smiley face for that day. When each of them gets 10 smiley faces, everybody gets a present. And guess what - today's ride to camp was just a pleasure. I didn't even have to take a shower to cool off when I got home.

For those who don't know, a positive discipline is when you reward good behaviour instead of punishing the bad one. Positive discipline not only works better, it is also more practical - there are only so many privileges you can take away, but you can always find a reward. Unfortunately, when I get mad, I forget about positive discipline, and try to find punishment, which doesn't come easy to me, and I always choose a silly one that I can't stick to. Bad decision.

Our positive discipline started when I was potty training my older son. He started using a potty for pooping (pardon my expression) at 1 year of age, but he refused to pee in a potty until he was 2, for no reason whatsoever. I tried every trick from parenting books - no result. Then I invented a new (at least for me) trick - for every time he peed in a toilet, I gave him candy. I used little gummy bears not to spoil his teeth (I have to mention that he never had candy before this experiment). This worked like magic. In 2 weeks, he was out of diapers, and I didn't even need to give him candy anymore.

Another example of positive discipline. My older son gets up at 6am. He's been that way since he was a baby - he has never been a good sleeper. For years, we've tried to ask him, if he cannot sleep, to at least stay in his room and not to wake up the whole house. All in vain. We asked him to read a book or watch TV - no result. "I am bored" - he said. We tried punishment - with no result. At 6am the whole house was up.

About a month ago I remembered about potty training experiment. I printed a list of dates, and said that for every date he stays quiet in his room and does not wake up the house, he gets a smiley face, and for 10 smiley faces he gets a book. Guess what - for 10 days dad got half an hour of extra sleep, brother got about an hour of extra sleep (he is a much better sleeper) and the quarrelling didn't start before 7 am. So, we went to B&N and got 2 books by H.G. Wells. Everybody was a winner. The family got extra rest. Alex got to choose his books. And I helped him to choose fiction - something he does not usually read.

The best thing about positive discipline is you only have to give a reward a few times - then kids get into a habit of doing what you want them to, and they forget about a reward.

I don't expect our I-Care rules to work immediately. Afterall, it takes two to follow them, and that means it will take twice as much time (maybe more, since we are so used to annoying the wits out of each other). But I sincerely hope that eventually they will work. I am already working on finding a gift.

The war of the worlds

Have you ever had a day when you thought your kids were out to get you? I sure did today, on Father's day of all days.

The weather was beautiful, and I desperately wanted to go out for a walk - hike, a park, or a beach. But my kids didn't share my sentiment. They wanted to stay home and play basketball in the backyard all day. That's what they've been doing all week. But they don't just play. They play for 5 minutes, then start a fight accusing each other of cheating. They whine, they yell and they kick each other, then they find a solution and everything starts again.

I was not going to spend this beautiful sunny day at home breaking the fights again. I announced that we are going to the park whether they want to or not. That's when the whining started. I was the worst mother in the world because I was taking them to the park instead of letting them spend a day in the backyard. Afterall, it's summer, and every day is going to be sunny and warm, and I am staying home all day anyway, so I can go for a walk whenever I want.

I did not give up. I was hoping that when we get to the park, they will start playing and running, and will forget all about the backyard, and me and my husband will have a chance to rest and enjoy the sun. So I took a soccer ball and sun hats and made everybody get into the car.

The whining continued. I have to mention that my kids cannot take a car trip without annoying the wits out of each other. This trip was not an exception. I try to tune out the whining, the yelling, and the name calling, but it is not easy, and by the time we get to our destination usually steam comes out of my ears.

When we got to the park, I got the ball and toys out, found a good spot to lie in the sun, and let the kids run around and play. Not for long. They refused to play, reminding me that I was the worst mother in the world for making them play with each other - they needed one of us for company. Since it was Father's day, I volunteered. We went out for a walk around the park, found some rocks they could throw around, and sure enough, one of the rocks hit one of the heads. The crying started. Then, again, I was reminded that I was the worst mom in the world for taking them to the park.

We spent about an hour in the park until we realized that going to the park was not a good idea afterall. Maybe we should've considered the kids' desire to stay home instead of my desire to get outside. We got into the car and went to town for some ice cream, and that diffused the situation (until the ride home, which went as usual).

To say that my kids don't get along very well would be an understatement if you ever heard one. They cannot spend 5 minutes with each other without driving one another (and me) crazy. When they are together for more then 5 minutes and there is no fight, my heart melts and I run out to get a camera to remind myself later that peace does actually happen sometimes.

I try to explain to them how great it is to have a sibling, how lonely I was growing up without one, that when they grow up and we grow old they will be each other's best friend and support, but that does not resonate. The younger one does not understand that yet, and the older one is so mad at the younger one he refuses to understand.

I cannot believe in my wildest dreams that they will grow up hating each other. I know that it happens sometimes that siblings continue to hate each other even as they grow up. I just don't believe that this will happen in my family. Maybe I don't believe it because I consider having a sibling priceless growing up without one. I know (or pray) that this hating thing is a stage that they will outgrow. I only hope that they will outgrow it before they drive me crazy.

Crazy nostalgic

Here is a confession - I don't fly. I used to, but I don't anymore. What happened - don't know. Probably an inspiration.

Don't tell me that it's more dangerous to drive than to fly. Don't tell me that dying in a plain crash is less likely than being struck by lightning. Don't tell me that I have to see a shrink. And definitely don't tell me that I have phobia. Phobia, as any shrink will tell you, is an irrational fear. My fear is rational - remember, we had 3 plain crashes in only last couple of months? Yes, I am actually counting them, because people were there, you know.

I want to travel by train. It's amazing to me, America builds so many wonders, including democracies abroad, but it can't build a decent railroad which exists in every self-respecting country.

I want to take a train and go somewhere, just as I did when we took school trips. It was the most romantic thing. During the day we kids would play games like charades. It was hilarious. In the evening somebody would play a guitar and we would sing songs until it was very late. On every station, there were old women standing, selling boiled potatoes with garlic to train travelers - probably dirty, but extremely delicious.

And at night, I would climb onto my upper bed - there was no way I would sleep on a lower one, for all the money in the world. I would look through the window, then fall asleep to a soothing song of a moving train. And sometimes I would wake up at midnight, and the train would be standing on some station, and I would try to guess the name of the station and look at the trains running by.

Here, while you are complaining about the airlines loosing your luggage, not being ontime and serving terrible food, I am being nostalgic about the train rides. I left them back in the former Soviet Union where it was hard for many people to get airplane tickets, so they traveled by trains. Just like I left my childhood there.

Diary of old-fashioned housewife again

Last few weeks I have hated myself as a parent.

If I learned anything from my teenage years, it's that you have to become your children's confidant, so that when difficult teenage period comes, they will trust you and come to you with their problems instead of solving them on the streets. And the way to earn their trust is not to be over-controlling, always pick your battles correctly, listen to their desires, and respect their opinions. And I did so from the time my kids were born. How and when, then, did I turn into a control freak instead of caring and considerate mother?

Why do I make my children live by the rule "if we grew up without it, you can too"? We grew up without bananas, cheese, and oftentimes hot water. Yet I don't turn off hot water in our house when it's time to take a bath. Why, then, don't I let my children enjoy what our time and country has to offer?

Why can't they play video games? I can make sure that they are not violent, but I can also trust them to pick the right ones. But I don't trust them and get very nervous when they play on the computer or iPhone. And I strictly control the time - no more than half an hour a day. Same with TV. No more than an hour a day. Why do I have these restrictions? My explanation has always been: "if you allow them to play whenever they want, they will never stop." The fact is it's not true.

First, the games they play are completely harmless. They play "pack man" and "bejeweled" (did I spell it right?). My older son plays chess on the computer - not only it's not harmful, but actually beneficial. Still, I prefer that he plays chess with a live partner.

Next, they don't play for hours. Sometimes they like to play a little longer than they are allowed, and sometimes they don't even play for half an hour. Same with TV. My younger son watches "Sesame street" and "Blues clues." How harmful is that (except he is too old for these type of programs)? My older son watches basketball - for 15 minutes, and then takes a ball and goes to the backyard to play himself. Should I leave it up to the kids what to watch, what to play and for how long?

Next, an e-mail question. How harmful is it for a child to have an e-mail account? Yes, it may be useless, but if he really wants it because everybody else has it, why not? What's the harm in that? Why do I have to fight this useless battle?

Now, the money question. It's a little bit more serious and I am still debating it (with myself, mostly). I asked several parents - some do give allowance and some don't, and it doesn't seem to matter - kids turn out just fine. So, should I pick this battle?

My 9-year-old got so frustrated with me that he yelled: "Why do you have to be the strictest mother in my class? Other parents don't care if their kids say "shut up!" to their siblings, and I get punished for it." Well, sorry, this is where I put my foot down. Our family members will not be rude to each other. But don't I put my foot down too often?

I remember my parents to be very authoritarian. I didn't get a choice when to eat, what to wear, when to go to sleep. They still think that a child cannot decide these things for himself. And even though they were exceptional parents in all other respects, what they got in return was a very rebellious and troubled teenager who never came to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. In fact, they are still trying to control me and I still rebel, still don't come to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. They have learned nothing. Have I?

Money matters

What's the deal with allowance? I am new with this so I need some help. When do you start to give it to your kids (if ever)? Is it something they get no matter what or do they have to earn it? I understand that every family has different rules, and that is what I was trying to explain to my son, but he wouldn't hear it. "Everybody in my class has one." I repeated again and again that "everybody does it" argument doesn't work in our family. I also know that it's a tough point to get for a 9-year-old.

It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.

The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.

That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.

So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.

So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.

Diaries of an old-fashioned housewife

Recently my 9-year-old son asked me to create him an e-mail account. "What for? - I asked.

My opinion about internet/computer games/silly cartoons is the following: "if we grew up without it, you can too." And you can imagine how many of us had computers in the former Soviet Union. But my son was persistent, and so was I. I even started a discussion on our school mailing list whether a 3rd-grader needs e-mail and why. We all discussed it for a few days and came to a decision that I am an old-fashioned geek. Even though almost every child in class has an e-mail account, very few parents told me what they are using it for.

"Everyone in my class has it." My answer to "everyone is doing it" is always: "Every household has its own rules, and if you don't like mine, you can go live with somebody else's family." But a few days ago life made a joke on me. Alex started a special math school, where he has to have an e-mail account to communicate with his teacher. I lost a battle with modern age, which was probably bound to happen.

I am being a hypocrite when it comes to modern-day devices. I know that we need to visit each other more and talk on the phone, like in good old times, instead of exchanging e-mails and hanging on Facebook. And what's up with electronic cards? What happened to calling your friend on her birthday? To me, e-mailing a card is like saying: "I didn't forget your birthday, but I don't really care to talk to you, so here is your card." And what happened to these lovely "Happy anniversary" cards that you used to send by snail-mail to your out-of-town relatives? I used to love going to a stationary store to pick out cards for my friends - they made the cards so pretty here. Not anymore. Now we don't have time - e-mailing a card is easier (and cheaper). So I do it too.

I am not that old-fashioned. I use internet to e-mail pictures to my friends. Of course, sending e-mail to a friend that lives across the ocean is a lot faster than sending a snail-mail letter (which I did when I first came here and before I bought a computer btw). And I use Facebook to exchange thoughts and ideas.

So, I guess internet is not so bad afterall. And maybe I am being too hard on my kids for keeping their use of computers to a minimum. But they are still kids and they need guidance. It's like alcohol for teenagers. Most of us drink because we know how to do it in moderation. But teenagers are a different story - we know they will drink, so we have to explain to them the dangers of overuse. Same with internet and the little kids. We know they are using internet, so monitor what they do and explain how to use it properly.