This year Great America theme park introduced a new service. For only $30 a day, you can get a "fast lane" wrist band that allows you to bypass the lines for any attraction. $30 a day! It's half the cost of their season pass. It's a rip-off, and everybody knows it.
I know some people don't mind rip-offs to get better experience out of their day. I know some people do mind. And I also know that some people simply cannot afford it.
We all know and love the rip-offs that come with theme parks - skyrocketing ticket prices, overpriced junk food, and extremely poor quality, but equally extremely expensive merchandise. We know that going in, and don't mind them so much because theme parks make our children happy. But fast lane is different. It makes some children happy at the expense of other children. And that is wrong.
Wealthy people have their privileges. They eat at better restaurants, they stay at better hotels, they get better quality clothes. They travel more. They live in bigger, more luxurious houses. And on, and on, and on. And that is fine with me. Most of them worked hard for their money, they earned it, and they get to spend it the way they like. But most of the time, they don't get their privileges at the expense of people who make less. A 6-year-old usually doesn't know that a classmate next to him wears a T-shirt that costs $40, while his costs $10. They get the same attention from teachers, and they study the same material. None gets preferential treatment. Fast lane, again, is completely opposite. As long as you can (and willing to) pay (a lot) extra, the park will provide better service for you at the expense of others.
Imagine a family that is struggling to make ends meet because one of the parents lost his job. Nevertheless, they decided to spend their daughter's birthday at Great America because she's been asking for it for a few months. How do they explain to her why she should wait in line for a ride for half an hour while all these kids with wrist bands keep jumping ahead of her? How do they justify "wait your turn" lessons that she's been taught since she was a toddler? And by the way, those lucky kids with wristbands don't benefit much from "fast lane" lessons either, teaching them that being able to pay extra somehow makes them better than all those people waiting in line. Money, afterall, can't, and shouldn't, buy everything.
We all know that theme parks are out for profit. But they cater to children. The least they can do is while making their profit, make sure that they don't trample on children's ideals, such as fairness. Great America should be ashamed of itself for such a sleazy way to make more money. And you know these "No line jumping" signs they have next to every ride? Now right next to them they have "Fast lane" arrows pointing to one direction or the other. I think these should be renamed to "Line jumping this way."
Showing posts with label education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label education. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
White men can't do math
Yesterday my son competed in first Bay Area Math Championship. I went into the room with him, and actually felt pretty humble - I was in the same room with about 120 brightest young mathematicians in Bay Area. Interestingly enough, all those brightest mathematicians were either Asian or Indian. My son's was the only white face in the room.
I was not exactly surprised. Last summer my son took Science and Engineering class at CTY summer program. This is Johns Hopkins University program for gifted kids. He reported that he was the only non-Asian kid in his class.
He also competes in chess tournaments, and most of the competitors are either Asian or Indian.
Last month, a few boys from our school formed a team and went to another math competition. They were the only white faces there, too.
I am starting to get used to this, and I can't help but feel resentful. Is it really true that white kids cannot do math? Are there no gifted kids among Caucasians, or blacks for that matter? I have a few (white) friends who I consider math geniuses. But those are adults. What happened to the kids?
In his numerous books, Pat Buchanan complains about how the immigrants are taking over white America. For the record, I consider Pat Buchanan a racist and a bigot. He does have some valid points, however. But here is a point that is even more valid - sometimes, white America gives in way too willingly. For example, white American women have children later and later in life, and have fewer and fewer of them, unlike other nationalities for which having children seems to be a priority. That bugs me. Not introducing children to math and science from an early age bugs me as well.
White American moms will drive their children to soccer practices 50 miles away from home. They will push their kicking and screaming toddlers into the water for their swim lesson which the little ones dread. They will put their 2-year-olds on skis and snowboards before the kids can even walk independently. But when it comes to math, they will wait until school takes over, and to be honest, most schools do not do the best job of teaching math.
Surely, not all the kids can be gifted mathematicians. But how will you know that your kid is good at math, if you don't introduce math at an early age? Your kid will never become a good gymnast if you wait until he is 7 to start gymnastics. He could've been great, but you missed the crucial window of development. It's the same with most other sports. If you want your child to be competitive, you have to start early. The thing is, for most kids it's not that important to be competitive in any sport. But math is extremely important, for every child. So why are we waiting? Why are we missing this crucial window of development? Why are we not introducing math at earlier age, in ways that are understandable and fun, and waiting for school that introduces math in ways that makes most children hate it? I hear a lot of complains how the school-age kids hate math, and how math is their least favorite subject. Incidentally, all of those complaining are whites. Asian and Indian kids love math. They do it in their spare time, and they enjoy math competitions. Is it possible that white parents are pre-programming their kids from an early age to be scared of math?
I feel resentful. I do not like to come to a math competition and feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't want to feel like there is something wrong with my son because he is the only white person there. This year, there will be 3 of his classmates at CTY. That makes me very happy. I also hope that his school math team will continue practicing and participating in competitions next year. As for the rest of the white (or black) Americans - introduce math early. You may be surprised to find out that your child IS a gifted mathematician.
I was not exactly surprised. Last summer my son took Science and Engineering class at CTY summer program. This is Johns Hopkins University program for gifted kids. He reported that he was the only non-Asian kid in his class.
He also competes in chess tournaments, and most of the competitors are either Asian or Indian.
Last month, a few boys from our school formed a team and went to another math competition. They were the only white faces there, too.
I am starting to get used to this, and I can't help but feel resentful. Is it really true that white kids cannot do math? Are there no gifted kids among Caucasians, or blacks for that matter? I have a few (white) friends who I consider math geniuses. But those are adults. What happened to the kids?
In his numerous books, Pat Buchanan complains about how the immigrants are taking over white America. For the record, I consider Pat Buchanan a racist and a bigot. He does have some valid points, however. But here is a point that is even more valid - sometimes, white America gives in way too willingly. For example, white American women have children later and later in life, and have fewer and fewer of them, unlike other nationalities for which having children seems to be a priority. That bugs me. Not introducing children to math and science from an early age bugs me as well.
White American moms will drive their children to soccer practices 50 miles away from home. They will push their kicking and screaming toddlers into the water for their swim lesson which the little ones dread. They will put their 2-year-olds on skis and snowboards before the kids can even walk independently. But when it comes to math, they will wait until school takes over, and to be honest, most schools do not do the best job of teaching math.
Surely, not all the kids can be gifted mathematicians. But how will you know that your kid is good at math, if you don't introduce math at an early age? Your kid will never become a good gymnast if you wait until he is 7 to start gymnastics. He could've been great, but you missed the crucial window of development. It's the same with most other sports. If you want your child to be competitive, you have to start early. The thing is, for most kids it's not that important to be competitive in any sport. But math is extremely important, for every child. So why are we waiting? Why are we missing this crucial window of development? Why are we not introducing math at earlier age, in ways that are understandable and fun, and waiting for school that introduces math in ways that makes most children hate it? I hear a lot of complains how the school-age kids hate math, and how math is their least favorite subject. Incidentally, all of those complaining are whites. Asian and Indian kids love math. They do it in their spare time, and they enjoy math competitions. Is it possible that white parents are pre-programming their kids from an early age to be scared of math?
I feel resentful. I do not like to come to a math competition and feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't want to feel like there is something wrong with my son because he is the only white person there. This year, there will be 3 of his classmates at CTY. That makes me very happy. I also hope that his school math team will continue practicing and participating in competitions next year. As for the rest of the white (or black) Americans - introduce math early. You may be surprised to find out that your child IS a gifted mathematician.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My ideal backyard
"I have a creative writing homework", - my 5th-grader announced on the way home, - "I need to write an essay." "What's the topic?" - I asked. "My ideal backyard." What? First, I didn't understand. Then, I was angry.
Why was I angry? Maybe, because describing what their ideal backyard would look like was the topic for a Kindergarten, not a 5th-grade essay? Really, how creative can you get writing about a backyard? And how much such an essay would help develop a 5th-grader's thinking?
In my middle school time, we wrote a lot. And I mean a lot. We analyzed works of Pushkin, Gogol', Dostoevsky, Chekhov. Occasionally, we analyzed works of communist writers like Chernyshevsky and Gor'ky, but that's another topic. The keyword here is we analyzed. We had to read and then think, and then write. The essay had to be 4 written pages long. That's hand-written, not typed. Sure, most kids hated it. It was hard work. I personally liked it, because I like writing. But that's besides the point. We didn't just write, we developed our minds, our thinking.
Why cannot american 5th-graders be asked to analyze The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, or Huckleberry Finn, or Uncle Tom's Cabin, for example? Sorry to say I am not very knowledgeable in american literature, but I am sure that there are many great writers and great works that almost middle-schoolers can read and write about. But they are not just not writing about those works, they are not even required to read them. They don't have a list of required reading. Why? Is there not a list of books that every literate child should read by high school? Shouldn't The Adventures of Tom Sawyer be on that list? Shouldn't some of Shakespeare's sonnets? What, a 5th-grader's mind cannot understand some of Shakespeare's sonnets? What a mistake. American education system, can we please come up with the list of required reading? And once we do, can we please test, by means of writing an essay, that a student understood what he read, learned something from the book and made some useful conclusions?
But enough about literature. You want more "creative" writing? Let them write about their family. Let them write about their country. The places they've traveled. What they want to be when they grow up and why. There are so many creative topics that will make them think about things like history, relationships, honor, freedom. Not about how high they would make a slide in their play structure. Because it's just a waste of their time and their minds.
"My ideal backyard" - are you serious, teachers? In 5th grade? What are you thinking? I would really love to read my child's writing. It's so important. It shows his thought process, it shows what's important to him, how his mind works. But I am not even going to look at this essay. I don't care how his ideal backyard would look like. This assignment gives him nothing serious to think about. Not to him and not to me.
Why was I angry? Maybe, because describing what their ideal backyard would look like was the topic for a Kindergarten, not a 5th-grade essay? Really, how creative can you get writing about a backyard? And how much such an essay would help develop a 5th-grader's thinking?
In my middle school time, we wrote a lot. And I mean a lot. We analyzed works of Pushkin, Gogol', Dostoevsky, Chekhov. Occasionally, we analyzed works of communist writers like Chernyshevsky and Gor'ky, but that's another topic. The keyword here is we analyzed. We had to read and then think, and then write. The essay had to be 4 written pages long. That's hand-written, not typed. Sure, most kids hated it. It was hard work. I personally liked it, because I like writing. But that's besides the point. We didn't just write, we developed our minds, our thinking.
Why cannot american 5th-graders be asked to analyze The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, or Huckleberry Finn, or Uncle Tom's Cabin, for example? Sorry to say I am not very knowledgeable in american literature, but I am sure that there are many great writers and great works that almost middle-schoolers can read and write about. But they are not just not writing about those works, they are not even required to read them. They don't have a list of required reading. Why? Is there not a list of books that every literate child should read by high school? Shouldn't The Adventures of Tom Sawyer be on that list? Shouldn't some of Shakespeare's sonnets? What, a 5th-grader's mind cannot understand some of Shakespeare's sonnets? What a mistake. American education system, can we please come up with the list of required reading? And once we do, can we please test, by means of writing an essay, that a student understood what he read, learned something from the book and made some useful conclusions?
But enough about literature. You want more "creative" writing? Let them write about their family. Let them write about their country. The places they've traveled. What they want to be when they grow up and why. There are so many creative topics that will make them think about things like history, relationships, honor, freedom. Not about how high they would make a slide in their play structure. Because it's just a waste of their time and their minds.
"My ideal backyard" - are you serious, teachers? In 5th grade? What are you thinking? I would really love to read my child's writing. It's so important. It shows his thought process, it shows what's important to him, how his mind works. But I am not even going to look at this essay. I don't care how his ideal backyard would look like. This assignment gives him nothing serious to think about. Not to him and not to me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A case against the 6th grade
Last week I wrote a school counselor an e-mail insisting again that my son was moved to 6th grade. She wrote in response: "Why would you want to take a year from his childhood? Even if he is academically ready, it's not worth it."
I thought about it and understood that she had a point. At one time, my son will have to leave home and go to college, to live on his own, without his parents. If he would be promoted now, he would have to do it a year sooner than his peers. Would he be ready for that at age 17?
I have to agree that until that moment I was concentrating only on my son's academic achievements, and not thinking that to be promoted he has to be ready both academically and socially. Today in the car he was talking to me about some silly website he wants to create to see "how many dumb people there are." And I thought, here is a case against his promotion to 6th grade, right there. His maturity level is not beyond where it should be in 5th grade.
Thinking back to my own childhood, in 5th grade my social aspirations were mostly dedicated to annoying my teachers. I was a very good student academically, but I didn't like most of my teachers, so I tried to annoy them as much as possible. I had a bunch of friends, but my life was not revolving around them. In 6th grade, it became more about friends. I was becoming more aware of people around me, who I was socializing with. At this time we started to have our first teenage parties too, so I was making sure I got invited. I was getting more socially mature. In 7th grade, I fell in love for the first time, but the concept of dating still didn't occur to me. I wanted to be loved back, but I wasn't sure what I would do with this love. It's not until the end of 7th - 8th grade I was aware that people could go out, date, and do everything that goes with it.
So, it's safe to say that at every age kids hit a social milestone. Of course not all kids hit them at the same time. Just like academically they all learn at different pace, socially they develop differently too. There were girls in my class who started dating at 12 and probably having sex at 13 or 14, while I had a very vague idea what dating was. I was at the top of my class academically, but socially I would say I was about average, and there were many girls ahead of me. A lot of social development has to do with puberty too, and as kids hit puberty at different ages, their social development follows that.
I am not defending my school here, because they are not conducting any tests for Alex not only in academics, but in social aspect too. They simply assume that all kids are not socially ready to be promoted, even if academically they are. This is wrong. Many kids may be very average in academics, but socially way ahead. And for many gifted kids both academic and social development goes together, so they are ready to be promoted. But the school is not willing to consider that. That said, do I believe Alex's social development is at 6th grade level? No. There is probably no test that would determine social maturity, so it's parents' and teachers' call to determine that, and my call is he is not ready socially.
Now, given that, and assuming that all the school's attempts to "challenge" him in 5th grade fail, how damaging it would be for him emotionally to be promoted? Do I want him to waste his time in 5th grade so that he can grow up a little and reach that social 6th-grade milestone, or do I want to promote him anyway and take what damage may come from it? Mostly, it would be hard for him to make friends because of a different level of interests - his is pretty much still "play-oriented", and 6th-graders are probably already thinking about girls. It's not bullying (as many people tell me), it's loneliness that he would be suffering from. There will be no understanding between him and his classmates, no common ground. Would that loneliness damage his self-esteem? Make him miserable in school, perhaps even more miserable than he is now because he is not learning?
I was mad at the school administration at first for not seeing the things my way, but after thinking about it, I have to agree that they have a case too. It would be nice if they could evaluate Alex socially instead of just assuming that he is not mature enough. But even without their evaluation I can tell that he is not. So my dilemma is now pretty much what would make him more miserable: being bored academically or being lonely socially. It's safe to say that I have my work cut out for me.
I thought about it and understood that she had a point. At one time, my son will have to leave home and go to college, to live on his own, without his parents. If he would be promoted now, he would have to do it a year sooner than his peers. Would he be ready for that at age 17?
I have to agree that until that moment I was concentrating only on my son's academic achievements, and not thinking that to be promoted he has to be ready both academically and socially. Today in the car he was talking to me about some silly website he wants to create to see "how many dumb people there are." And I thought, here is a case against his promotion to 6th grade, right there. His maturity level is not beyond where it should be in 5th grade.
Thinking back to my own childhood, in 5th grade my social aspirations were mostly dedicated to annoying my teachers. I was a very good student academically, but I didn't like most of my teachers, so I tried to annoy them as much as possible. I had a bunch of friends, but my life was not revolving around them. In 6th grade, it became more about friends. I was becoming more aware of people around me, who I was socializing with. At this time we started to have our first teenage parties too, so I was making sure I got invited. I was getting more socially mature. In 7th grade, I fell in love for the first time, but the concept of dating still didn't occur to me. I wanted to be loved back, but I wasn't sure what I would do with this love. It's not until the end of 7th - 8th grade I was aware that people could go out, date, and do everything that goes with it.
So, it's safe to say that at every age kids hit a social milestone. Of course not all kids hit them at the same time. Just like academically they all learn at different pace, socially they develop differently too. There were girls in my class who started dating at 12 and probably having sex at 13 or 14, while I had a very vague idea what dating was. I was at the top of my class academically, but socially I would say I was about average, and there were many girls ahead of me. A lot of social development has to do with puberty too, and as kids hit puberty at different ages, their social development follows that.
I am not defending my school here, because they are not conducting any tests for Alex not only in academics, but in social aspect too. They simply assume that all kids are not socially ready to be promoted, even if academically they are. This is wrong. Many kids may be very average in academics, but socially way ahead. And for many gifted kids both academic and social development goes together, so they are ready to be promoted. But the school is not willing to consider that. That said, do I believe Alex's social development is at 6th grade level? No. There is probably no test that would determine social maturity, so it's parents' and teachers' call to determine that, and my call is he is not ready socially.
Now, given that, and assuming that all the school's attempts to "challenge" him in 5th grade fail, how damaging it would be for him emotionally to be promoted? Do I want him to waste his time in 5th grade so that he can grow up a little and reach that social 6th-grade milestone, or do I want to promote him anyway and take what damage may come from it? Mostly, it would be hard for him to make friends because of a different level of interests - his is pretty much still "play-oriented", and 6th-graders are probably already thinking about girls. It's not bullying (as many people tell me), it's loneliness that he would be suffering from. There will be no understanding between him and his classmates, no common ground. Would that loneliness damage his self-esteem? Make him miserable in school, perhaps even more miserable than he is now because he is not learning?
I was mad at the school administration at first for not seeing the things my way, but after thinking about it, I have to agree that they have a case too. It would be nice if they could evaluate Alex socially instead of just assuming that he is not mature enough. But even without their evaluation I can tell that he is not. So my dilemma is now pretty much what would make him more miserable: being bored academically or being lonely socially. It's safe to say that I have my work cut out for me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A case for the 6th grade
A week ago my older son came home and announced that he wanted to change schools. It's not the first time he did that - I've heard it a couple of times before. But this time he was very persistent and serious. "Just give me a chance to shadow in another school, - he said - maybe the stuff they teach will be more difficult. I am bored. I just want to try another school."
It's not in my plans to change schools. I love this one, we've been happy with it for years. I also have a younger son who would also need to change schools should I do it for the older one, and he would be extremely unhappy about the change - he has so many friends in this school, and he loves it. Besides, changing schools wouldn't make any difference - they all follow pretty much the same curriculum. With the knowledge and understanding that Alex has, the only solution is to promote him to a higher grade. I've thought about it for years, and done nothing. I knew I would face an uphill battle. Here in US, it's just not done. But that evening, I was left with no choice. I wrote a teacher a letter describing the situation and asking for a meeting. They promised to address the situation and meet with me.
So they did today. I met with an assembly of teachers, counselors, and the principal. It was quite a gathering. Sadly, it was also quite useless. They really wanted to show that they care. But they had no idea how to address Alex's needs. Despite the assurances that they brainstormed a number of ideas about how to better challenge Alex, they presented not a single one, save one additional math class that he would be taking. So, after listening to them, I presented my idea - to promote him to a 6th grade (I also mentioned it before in my letters to them, so it wasn't a surprise). After that, a meeting turned into a duel.
"We wouldn't do it to him - said one counselor - while he may be ready academically, there is also an emotional aspect, and you can't hurry that up." "All the research shows that this creates more problems that it solves," - said another one. "You are only saying that because you feel helpless. This is not the solution." "This is not on the table, - said the principal - and if you decide to change schools, be very careful of a school that would agree to promote him. This is not a good school."
Why? Why won't they promote a child who is obviously far ahead academically? He is wasting his time working on the material which has long been familiar to him. I tried to reason with them. I tried to explain that while to most kids, even gifted kids, school is about the experience, friends, working together on a project, to Alex school is about getting information, it is about learning new things. He's always required a lot of new information, new facts, new data. He is not getting it.
"We often repeat the themes that we teach, - said the principal, - but we always add a new dimension to them, so students are learning." No you don't. You study native americans, year after year after year. Half a year of history is devoted to native americans. Every year. At home, we've done history of Russia, history of England, Ancient Grece, and life of Leonardo da Vinci. We've also visited the exhibits on Genghis Khan and Tutankhamun and learned about them. We've covered Greek mythology. You study native americans. We've learned world geography and can point most of the countries on a map. You study states and their capitals, and present learning state birds as a challenge. Very useful one. We go to planetariums and have learned about planets, galaxies, stars, and black holes. You teach how salt dissolves in water - something a toddler discovers for himself at age 2.
"Alex's writing skills are right at 5th grade level, - said the teacher, - they are not beyond that". Yes, I know. Writing is our weaker subject. Writing is not about facts, figures, and data, so Alex does not devote a lot of energy to it. But is this a reason to hold him back? Because by not promoting him, they are holding him back. We'll work on writing. We'll take extra homework on writing if required. But a child needs to learn, and he is not learning.
The meeting ended with a counselor's promise to meet with Alex and with me (separately) next week. Why? She wants to talk to us. She wants to know where we are coming from. She wants to know our background and why we are not feeling satisfied. A child is not learning. That's why. What else is there to know and what does our background have to do with anything? Again, they want to show that they care, that they are making an effort. But that does not help us.
There is one useful thing a counselor suggested. "If Alex is not feeling satisfied, - she said, - he has to advocate for himself. He has to go tell a teacher, right at that time. Saying "I am bored" next week does not help." She is right. This is an advice I can give Alex. Keep bugging them. Tell them you need more information. Tell them you are not learning anything new. But my feeling is that will not help much, either. They will learn how to tune him out.
What choice do I have? At this point, only one - look for a school that will take Alex straight to 6th grade (because again, they all follow the same curriculum, and finding a more challenging 5th grade will be next to impossible). But I am so reluctant to do it. To me, there is much more to a school than just information, and our school has all those other things. But it's not about me. It's about my son. Back in the Soviet Union, all schools were the same, and we attended one that was close to home. Here, schools are different, and you need to find one that fits your child best. Our school fit up to this point. Now it doesn't. Time for a change?
It's not in my plans to change schools. I love this one, we've been happy with it for years. I also have a younger son who would also need to change schools should I do it for the older one, and he would be extremely unhappy about the change - he has so many friends in this school, and he loves it. Besides, changing schools wouldn't make any difference - they all follow pretty much the same curriculum. With the knowledge and understanding that Alex has, the only solution is to promote him to a higher grade. I've thought about it for years, and done nothing. I knew I would face an uphill battle. Here in US, it's just not done. But that evening, I was left with no choice. I wrote a teacher a letter describing the situation and asking for a meeting. They promised to address the situation and meet with me.
So they did today. I met with an assembly of teachers, counselors, and the principal. It was quite a gathering. Sadly, it was also quite useless. They really wanted to show that they care. But they had no idea how to address Alex's needs. Despite the assurances that they brainstormed a number of ideas about how to better challenge Alex, they presented not a single one, save one additional math class that he would be taking. So, after listening to them, I presented my idea - to promote him to a 6th grade (I also mentioned it before in my letters to them, so it wasn't a surprise). After that, a meeting turned into a duel.
"We wouldn't do it to him - said one counselor - while he may be ready academically, there is also an emotional aspect, and you can't hurry that up." "All the research shows that this creates more problems that it solves," - said another one. "You are only saying that because you feel helpless. This is not the solution." "This is not on the table, - said the principal - and if you decide to change schools, be very careful of a school that would agree to promote him. This is not a good school."
Why? Why won't they promote a child who is obviously far ahead academically? He is wasting his time working on the material which has long been familiar to him. I tried to reason with them. I tried to explain that while to most kids, even gifted kids, school is about the experience, friends, working together on a project, to Alex school is about getting information, it is about learning new things. He's always required a lot of new information, new facts, new data. He is not getting it.
"We often repeat the themes that we teach, - said the principal, - but we always add a new dimension to them, so students are learning." No you don't. You study native americans, year after year after year. Half a year of history is devoted to native americans. Every year. At home, we've done history of Russia, history of England, Ancient Grece, and life of Leonardo da Vinci. We've also visited the exhibits on Genghis Khan and Tutankhamun and learned about them. We've covered Greek mythology. You study native americans. We've learned world geography and can point most of the countries on a map. You study states and their capitals, and present learning state birds as a challenge. Very useful one. We go to planetariums and have learned about planets, galaxies, stars, and black holes. You teach how salt dissolves in water - something a toddler discovers for himself at age 2.
"Alex's writing skills are right at 5th grade level, - said the teacher, - they are not beyond that". Yes, I know. Writing is our weaker subject. Writing is not about facts, figures, and data, so Alex does not devote a lot of energy to it. But is this a reason to hold him back? Because by not promoting him, they are holding him back. We'll work on writing. We'll take extra homework on writing if required. But a child needs to learn, and he is not learning.
The meeting ended with a counselor's promise to meet with Alex and with me (separately) next week. Why? She wants to talk to us. She wants to know where we are coming from. She wants to know our background and why we are not feeling satisfied. A child is not learning. That's why. What else is there to know and what does our background have to do with anything? Again, they want to show that they care, that they are making an effort. But that does not help us.
There is one useful thing a counselor suggested. "If Alex is not feeling satisfied, - she said, - he has to advocate for himself. He has to go tell a teacher, right at that time. Saying "I am bored" next week does not help." She is right. This is an advice I can give Alex. Keep bugging them. Tell them you need more information. Tell them you are not learning anything new. But my feeling is that will not help much, either. They will learn how to tune him out.
What choice do I have? At this point, only one - look for a school that will take Alex straight to 6th grade (because again, they all follow the same curriculum, and finding a more challenging 5th grade will be next to impossible). But I am so reluctant to do it. To me, there is much more to a school than just information, and our school has all those other things. But it's not about me. It's about my son. Back in the Soviet Union, all schools were the same, and we attended one that was close to home. Here, schools are different, and you need to find one that fits your child best. Our school fit up to this point. Now it doesn't. Time for a change?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Thinking of elementary school
It's hard to believe that in the coming fall my older son will start his last year of elementary school. Sounds like a cliche, but it seems like only yesterday he walked into a Kindergarten classroom, waved me good bye, and left me crying behind closed door. Today, we are getting ready for middle school, and talk about high school a lot.
So far, our experience with the school was a pleasant one. Alex has enjoyed it, and we did too. Not challenging enough academically for him (to the point that he asked for another school once or twice), but wonderful teachers, adorable peers, and parents who are really nice to know and some of whom became friends.
In a nutshell, Alex is an exceptional student with absolutely no social skills. Every August, teachers send a letter to the families asking parents to describe their hopes and dreams for the coming year. Every year, I write the same thing - I hope my son will find some friends this year. So far, this has not come true, and this coming August I will write it again.
I wonder if Alex is suffering from the absence of friends as much as I worry about it. Many people are self-sufficient. I am definitely not - there was a period of my life when I had no friends, and I suffered immensely from loneliness. My husband certainly is not - he is extremely social and easy-going. And my younger son, of course, is way too social for his own good. Alex is weird in that way. I worry about it, and I wish for him to find a friend next year. Even one good friend would be great. And of course I wish him an academically fulfilling year (it's not easy, being so far ahead in many subjects). But for now, we are hoping for a fun and restful summer.
So far, our experience with the school was a pleasant one. Alex has enjoyed it, and we did too. Not challenging enough academically for him (to the point that he asked for another school once or twice), but wonderful teachers, adorable peers, and parents who are really nice to know and some of whom became friends.
In a nutshell, Alex is an exceptional student with absolutely no social skills. Every August, teachers send a letter to the families asking parents to describe their hopes and dreams for the coming year. Every year, I write the same thing - I hope my son will find some friends this year. So far, this has not come true, and this coming August I will write it again.
I wonder if Alex is suffering from the absence of friends as much as I worry about it. Many people are self-sufficient. I am definitely not - there was a period of my life when I had no friends, and I suffered immensely from loneliness. My husband certainly is not - he is extremely social and easy-going. And my younger son, of course, is way too social for his own good. Alex is weird in that way. I worry about it, and I wish for him to find a friend next year. Even one good friend would be great. And of course I wish him an academically fulfilling year (it's not easy, being so far ahead in many subjects). But for now, we are hoping for a fun and restful summer.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The war of the worlds
Have you ever had a day when you thought your kids were out to get you? I sure did today, on Father's day of all days.
The weather was beautiful, and I desperately wanted to go out for a walk - hike, a park, or a beach. But my kids didn't share my sentiment. They wanted to stay home and play basketball in the backyard all day. That's what they've been doing all week. But they don't just play. They play for 5 minutes, then start a fight accusing each other of cheating. They whine, they yell and they kick each other, then they find a solution and everything starts again.
I was not going to spend this beautiful sunny day at home breaking the fights again. I announced that we are going to the park whether they want to or not. That's when the whining started. I was the worst mother in the world because I was taking them to the park instead of letting them spend a day in the backyard. Afterall, it's summer, and every day is going to be sunny and warm, and I am staying home all day anyway, so I can go for a walk whenever I want.
I did not give up. I was hoping that when we get to the park, they will start playing and running, and will forget all about the backyard, and me and my husband will have a chance to rest and enjoy the sun. So I took a soccer ball and sun hats and made everybody get into the car.
The whining continued. I have to mention that my kids cannot take a car trip without annoying the wits out of each other. This trip was not an exception. I try to tune out the whining, the yelling, and the name calling, but it is not easy, and by the time we get to our destination usually steam comes out of my ears.
The weather was beautiful, and I desperately wanted to go out for a walk - hike, a park, or a beach. But my kids didn't share my sentiment. They wanted to stay home and play basketball in the backyard all day. That's what they've been doing all week. But they don't just play. They play for 5 minutes, then start a fight accusing each other of cheating. They whine, they yell and they kick each other, then they find a solution and everything starts again.
I was not going to spend this beautiful sunny day at home breaking the fights again. I announced that we are going to the park whether they want to or not. That's when the whining started. I was the worst mother in the world because I was taking them to the park instead of letting them spend a day in the backyard. Afterall, it's summer, and every day is going to be sunny and warm, and I am staying home all day anyway, so I can go for a walk whenever I want.
I did not give up. I was hoping that when we get to the park, they will start playing and running, and will forget all about the backyard, and me and my husband will have a chance to rest and enjoy the sun. So I took a soccer ball and sun hats and made everybody get into the car.
The whining continued. I have to mention that my kids cannot take a car trip without annoying the wits out of each other. This trip was not an exception. I try to tune out the whining, the yelling, and the name calling, but it is not easy, and by the time we get to our destination usually steam comes out of my ears.
When we got to the park, I got the ball and toys out, found a good spot to lie in the sun, and let the kids run around and play. Not for long. They refused to play, reminding me that I was the worst mother in the world for making them play with each other - they needed one of us for company. Since it was Father's day, I volunteered. We went out for a walk around the park, found some rocks they could throw around, and sure enough, one of the rocks hit one of the heads. The crying started. Then, again, I was reminded that I was the worst mom in the world for taking them to the park.
We spent about an hour in the park until we realized that going to the park was not a good idea afterall. Maybe we should've considered the kids' desire to stay home instead of my desire to get outside. We got into the car and went to town for some ice cream, and that diffused the situation (until the ride home, which went as usual).
To say that my kids don't get along very well would be an understatement if you ever heard one. They cannot spend 5 minutes with each other without driving one another (and me) crazy. When they are together for more then 5 minutes and there is no fight, my heart melts and I run out to get a camera to remind myself later that peace does actually happen sometimes.I try to explain to them how great it is to have a sibling, how lonely I was growing up without one, that when they grow up and we grow old they will be each other's best friend and support, but that does not resonate. The younger one does not understand that yet, and the older one is so mad at the younger one he refuses to understand.
I cannot believe in my wildest dreams that they will grow up hating each other. I know that it happens sometimes that siblings continue to hate each other even as they grow up. I just don't believe that this will happen in my family. Maybe I don't believe it because I consider having a sibling priceless growing up without one. I know (or pray) that this hating thing is a stage that they will outgrow. I only hope that they will outgrow it before they drive me crazy.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Diary of old-fashioned housewife again
Last few weeks I have hated myself as a parent.
If I learned anything from my teenage years, it's that you have to become your children's confidant, so that when difficult teenage period comes, they will trust you and come to you with their problems instead of solving them on the streets. And the way to earn their trust is not to be over-controlling, always pick your battles correctly, listen to their desires, and respect their opinions. And I did so from the time my kids were born. How and when, then, did I turn into a control freak instead of caring and considerate mother?
Why do I make my children live by the rule "if we grew up without it, you can too"? We grew up without bananas, cheese, and oftentimes hot water. Yet I don't turn off hot water in our house when it's time to take a bath. Why, then, don't I let my children enjoy what our time and country has to offer?
Why can't they play video games? I can make sure that they are not violent, but I can also trust them to pick the right ones. But I don't trust them and get very nervous when they play on the computer or iPhone. And I strictly control the time - no more than half an hour a day. Same with TV. No more than an hour a day. Why do I have these restrictions? My explanation has always been: "if you allow them to play whenever they want, they will never stop." The fact is it's not true.
First, the games they play are completely harmless. They play "pack man" and "bejeweled" (did I spell it right?). My older son plays chess on the computer - not only it's not harmful, but actually beneficial. Still, I prefer that he plays chess with a live partner.
Next, they don't play for hours. Sometimes they like to play a little longer than they are allowed, and sometimes they don't even play for half an hour. Same with TV. My younger son watches "Sesame street" and "Blues clues." How harmful is that (except he is too old for these type of programs)? My older son watches basketball - for 15 minutes, and then takes a ball and goes to the backyard to play himself. Should I leave it up to the kids what to watch, what to play and for how long?
Next, an e-mail question. How harmful is it for a child to have an e-mail account? Yes, it may be useless, but if he really wants it because everybody else has it, why not? What's the harm in that? Why do I have to fight this useless battle?
Now, the money question. It's a little bit more serious and I am still debating it (with myself, mostly). I asked several parents - some do give allowance and some don't, and it doesn't seem to matter - kids turn out just fine. So, should I pick this battle?
My 9-year-old got so frustrated with me that he yelled: "Why do you have to be the strictest mother in my class? Other parents don't care if their kids say "shut up!" to their siblings, and I get punished for it." Well, sorry, this is where I put my foot down. Our family members will not be rude to each other. But don't I put my foot down too often?
I remember my parents to be very authoritarian. I didn't get a choice when to eat, what to wear, when to go to sleep. They still think that a child cannot decide these things for himself. And even though they were exceptional parents in all other respects, what they got in return was a very rebellious and troubled teenager who never came to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. In fact, they are still trying to control me and I still rebel, still don't come to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. They have learned nothing. Have I?
If I learned anything from my teenage years, it's that you have to become your children's confidant, so that when difficult teenage period comes, they will trust you and come to you with their problems instead of solving them on the streets. And the way to earn their trust is not to be over-controlling, always pick your battles correctly, listen to their desires, and respect their opinions. And I did so from the time my kids were born. How and when, then, did I turn into a control freak instead of caring and considerate mother?
Why do I make my children live by the rule "if we grew up without it, you can too"? We grew up without bananas, cheese, and oftentimes hot water. Yet I don't turn off hot water in our house when it's time to take a bath. Why, then, don't I let my children enjoy what our time and country has to offer?
Why can't they play video games? I can make sure that they are not violent, but I can also trust them to pick the right ones. But I don't trust them and get very nervous when they play on the computer or iPhone. And I strictly control the time - no more than half an hour a day. Same with TV. No more than an hour a day. Why do I have these restrictions? My explanation has always been: "if you allow them to play whenever they want, they will never stop." The fact is it's not true.
First, the games they play are completely harmless. They play "pack man" and "bejeweled" (did I spell it right?). My older son plays chess on the computer - not only it's not harmful, but actually beneficial. Still, I prefer that he plays chess with a live partner.
Next, they don't play for hours. Sometimes they like to play a little longer than they are allowed, and sometimes they don't even play for half an hour. Same with TV. My younger son watches "Sesame street" and "Blues clues." How harmful is that (except he is too old for these type of programs)? My older son watches basketball - for 15 minutes, and then takes a ball and goes to the backyard to play himself. Should I leave it up to the kids what to watch, what to play and for how long?
Next, an e-mail question. How harmful is it for a child to have an e-mail account? Yes, it may be useless, but if he really wants it because everybody else has it, why not? What's the harm in that? Why do I have to fight this useless battle?
Now, the money question. It's a little bit more serious and I am still debating it (with myself, mostly). I asked several parents - some do give allowance and some don't, and it doesn't seem to matter - kids turn out just fine. So, should I pick this battle?
My 9-year-old got so frustrated with me that he yelled: "Why do you have to be the strictest mother in my class? Other parents don't care if their kids say "shut up!" to their siblings, and I get punished for it." Well, sorry, this is where I put my foot down. Our family members will not be rude to each other. But don't I put my foot down too often?
I remember my parents to be very authoritarian. I didn't get a choice when to eat, what to wear, when to go to sleep. They still think that a child cannot decide these things for himself. And even though they were exceptional parents in all other respects, what they got in return was a very rebellious and troubled teenager who never came to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. In fact, they are still trying to control me and I still rebel, still don't come to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. They have learned nothing. Have I?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Money matters
What's the deal with allowance? I am new with this so I need some help. When do you start to give it to your kids (if ever)? Is it something they get no matter what or do they have to earn it? I understand that every family has different rules, and that is what I was trying to explain to my son, but he wouldn't hear it. "Everybody in my class has one." I repeated again and again that "everybody does it" argument doesn't work in our family. I also know that it's a tough point to get for a 9-year-old.
It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.
The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.
That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.
So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.
So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.
It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.
The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.
That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.
So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.
So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friend wanted
The other day a girl mentioned to me that I haven't been blogging for a while. She said she was a fan and I should continue to write. I did not know I had any fans, and if I do, I truly thank you. It's just for a while I couldn't think of a topic to write about. But today it came to me, so Ariel, this one is for you.
I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.
I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.
Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.
So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.
What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.
I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.
I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.
Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.
So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.
What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.
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