The war of the worlds

Have you ever had a day when you thought your kids were out to get you? I sure did today, on Father's day of all days.

The weather was beautiful, and I desperately wanted to go out for a walk - hike, a park, or a beach. But my kids didn't share my sentiment. They wanted to stay home and play basketball in the backyard all day. That's what they've been doing all week. But they don't just play. They play for 5 minutes, then start a fight accusing each other of cheating. They whine, they yell and they kick each other, then they find a solution and everything starts again.

I was not going to spend this beautiful sunny day at home breaking the fights again. I announced that we are going to the park whether they want to or not. That's when the whining started. I was the worst mother in the world because I was taking them to the park instead of letting them spend a day in the backyard. Afterall, it's summer, and every day is going to be sunny and warm, and I am staying home all day anyway, so I can go for a walk whenever I want.

I did not give up. I was hoping that when we get to the park, they will start playing and running, and will forget all about the backyard, and me and my husband will have a chance to rest and enjoy the sun. So I took a soccer ball and sun hats and made everybody get into the car.

The whining continued. I have to mention that my kids cannot take a car trip without annoying the wits out of each other. This trip was not an exception. I try to tune out the whining, the yelling, and the name calling, but it is not easy, and by the time we get to our destination usually steam comes out of my ears.

When we got to the park, I got the ball and toys out, found a good spot to lie in the sun, and let the kids run around and play. Not for long. They refused to play, reminding me that I was the worst mother in the world for making them play with each other - they needed one of us for company. Since it was Father's day, I volunteered. We went out for a walk around the park, found some rocks they could throw around, and sure enough, one of the rocks hit one of the heads. The crying started. Then, again, I was reminded that I was the worst mom in the world for taking them to the park.

We spent about an hour in the park until we realized that going to the park was not a good idea afterall. Maybe we should've considered the kids' desire to stay home instead of my desire to get outside. We got into the car and went to town for some ice cream, and that diffused the situation (until the ride home, which went as usual).

To say that my kids don't get along very well would be an understatement if you ever heard one. They cannot spend 5 minutes with each other without driving one another (and me) crazy. When they are together for more then 5 minutes and there is no fight, my heart melts and I run out to get a camera to remind myself later that peace does actually happen sometimes.

I try to explain to them how great it is to have a sibling, how lonely I was growing up without one, that when they grow up and we grow old they will be each other's best friend and support, but that does not resonate. The younger one does not understand that yet, and the older one is so mad at the younger one he refuses to understand.

I cannot believe in my wildest dreams that they will grow up hating each other. I know that it happens sometimes that siblings continue to hate each other even as they grow up. I just don't believe that this will happen in my family. Maybe I don't believe it because I consider having a sibling priceless growing up without one. I know (or pray) that this hating thing is a stage that they will outgrow. I only hope that they will outgrow it before they drive me crazy.

Too much activitiy?

Today my son's gymnastics coach told me that Mark has been doing very well in class, and taking a class once a week is no longer enough for him. The coach has been saying this casually to me for a few months now, but today he was very serious and determined. He is organizing another class just for the "strong" kids like Mark, and he really wants me to consider it.

First of all I should say that I am really proud of Mark. Second, I am considering it. But there is a problem which I am sure many "soccer moms" face today. It's a problem of "how much is too much"?

My kids have been involved in extra-curricular activities ever since they were born. When other babies were happily crawling around the house, my older son was learning his shapes and colors with me. When toddlers Alex's age were doing their first scribbles, Alex was learning to write letters and numbers. When 3-year-olds were building railroads and Lego cars, Alex was doing his first addition problems. He started gymnastics at 18 months; at the same age he started "mommy and me" swimming classes. Today, he has dance lessons twice a week, chess, and "all-sports" class that was recommended by his teacher for developing his social and gross-motor skills. He also takes swimming lessons in spring and summer. Besides that, at home we study Russian language and literature (because I require it) and elementary algebra (because Alex requires it). I would also like to enroll Alex in self-defence class (because I think it's necessary for a boy), and in tennis class (because it's so cool). And we'll do that, as soon as we find the time. So far, Alex enjoyed all of his activities, and refused to give any of them up. I am happy with that, except for the fact that he is desperately overscheduled. It's no wonder that he has not learned how to play by himself - almost every minute he has somebody (a parent or a coach) to provide an activity.

With Mark, it's been less busy so far. One of his most important activities was driving to all of his brother's activities. But that's not all. Mark also started gymnastics at 18 months, and has enjoyed it ever since. Then, he started swimming. This time I waited till he was allowed to take a class by himself, because "mommy and me" swimming is a waste of time and money (trust me). Last year, he asked me to enroll him in a soccer class, which I did. And a few months ago, he started dancing twice a week, just like his brother. Oh, I almost forgot - he also goes skating once a week this winter, but he takes a break from swimming and soccer till spring, which made his schedule manageable. Until now.

The problem is that whatever activity Mark does, he is good at it. Alex likes all of his activities, but he has not been especially great at any of them - his specialties are math and science. But Mark is really great at sports. His swimming has progressed wonderfully. He is absolutely great at soccer. Since day one of his dancing class, his teacher tells me that he is the best in class (and she is not lying). And you already know about gymnastics. So, how will I manage all of these activities, especially when he starts school in September? And most importantly, how will Mark manage them?

I have never been a sort of mom who pushes her kids into an activity because she considers it important. I still remember from my childhood a picture of my little girl-friends crying because they needed to practice their music when they wanted to go out and play instead. And how can I miss moms around the swimming pool pushing their howling little children into the water? Of course it's so important to master swimming at age 2 - waiting a year when a child will happily enter the water by himself is a crime against humanity. I've never done any of that. I only suggested activities for my kids, and they had the veto power. But they have never been good at exercising this power - they love their activities. So, now it looks like I have to exercise it for them.

Today, I have no answer. It's so hard to give up an activity that your child is enjoying and is good at. There is always disappointment, and there is guilt. On the other hand, there is lack of time for all the activities, and there is lack of money, too. And there is lack of much needed rest and free playtime. It's time for a family meeting.