Last few weeks I have hated myself as a parent.
If I learned anything from my teenage years, it's that you have to become your children's confidant, so that when difficult teenage period comes, they will trust you and come to you with their problems instead of solving them on the streets. And the way to earn their trust is not to be over-controlling, always pick your battles correctly, listen to their desires, and respect their opinions. And I did so from the time my kids were born. How and when, then, did I turn into a control freak instead of caring and considerate mother?
Why do I make my children live by the rule "if we grew up without it, you can too"? We grew up without bananas, cheese, and oftentimes hot water. Yet I don't turn off hot water in our house when it's time to take a bath. Why, then, don't I let my children enjoy what our time and country has to offer?
Why can't they play video games? I can make sure that they are not violent, but I can also trust them to pick the right ones. But I don't trust them and get very nervous when they play on the computer or iPhone. And I strictly control the time - no more than half an hour a day. Same with TV. No more than an hour a day. Why do I have these restrictions? My explanation has always been: "if you allow them to play whenever they want, they will never stop." The fact is it's not true.
First, the games they play are completely harmless. They play "pack man" and "bejeweled" (did I spell it right?). My older son plays chess on the computer - not only it's not harmful, but actually beneficial. Still, I prefer that he plays chess with a live partner.
Next, they don't play for hours. Sometimes they like to play a little longer than they are allowed, and sometimes they don't even play for half an hour. Same with TV. My younger son watches "Sesame street" and "Blues clues." How harmful is that (except he is too old for these type of programs)? My older son watches basketball - for 15 minutes, and then takes a ball and goes to the backyard to play himself. Should I leave it up to the kids what to watch, what to play and for how long?
Next, an e-mail question. How harmful is it for a child to have an e-mail account? Yes, it may be useless, but if he really wants it because everybody else has it, why not? What's the harm in that? Why do I have to fight this useless battle?
Now, the money question. It's a little bit more serious and I am still debating it (with myself, mostly). I asked several parents - some do give allowance and some don't, and it doesn't seem to matter - kids turn out just fine. So, should I pick this battle?
My 9-year-old got so frustrated with me that he yelled: "Why do you have to be the strictest mother in my class? Other parents don't care if their kids say "shut up!" to their siblings, and I get punished for it." Well, sorry, this is where I put my foot down. Our family members will not be rude to each other. But don't I put my foot down too often?
I remember my parents to be very authoritarian. I didn't get a choice when to eat, what to wear, when to go to sleep. They still think that a child cannot decide these things for himself. And even though they were exceptional parents in all other respects, what they got in return was a very rebellious and troubled teenager who never came to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. In fact, they are still trying to control me and I still rebel, still don't come to them for an advice or to discuss a problem. They have learned nothing. Have I?
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Money matters
What's the deal with allowance? I am new with this so I need some help. When do you start to give it to your kids (if ever)? Is it something they get no matter what or do they have to earn it? I understand that every family has different rules, and that is what I was trying to explain to my son, but he wouldn't hear it. "Everybody in my class has one." I repeated again and again that "everybody does it" argument doesn't work in our family. I also know that it's a tough point to get for a 9-year-old.
It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.
The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.
That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.
So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.
So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.
It started sort of like a joke, he came to me and said: "What do I have to do to earn a dollar?" I decided to play along and said: "go plant some flowers in our garden." He wrote it down. Then he asked: "What about 50 cents?" I continued to play along: "go water the flowers." "What else?" - "Go wash the floor." Then he requested me to write a list of things that he could get money for and how much. I started slowly getting that it's not a joke anymore. He really wanted to earn money by doing things.
The question of allowance did not come up in our family, although I know that it is a custom in America and I thought of it before. I never came to a reasonable solution. When I was a kid growing up (as I always have to say) there was no allowance. Most kids had no pocket money at all, either because their parents could not afford to give them any, or because the parents didn't consider that a child should have his own money. I was a lucky child in that respect. My family could afford to give me money, and I could always get as much as I want provided that I tell my parents what I need it for. This didn't start until I was 14 and I never asked for much because I never needed much - a cup of coffee, an ice cream, or later a manicure. I was even generous enough to buy a cup of coffee (or later, cigarettes, but that's another story) for my friends who didn't have their own money.
That was my idea of allowance and I considered it fair. I made a decision that in my family we will continue this tradition. If my children need something, they can come to me and ask, and if I think the request is reasonable, I'll buy it for them. That way I can at least make sure that they don't buy cigarettes (for themselves or their friends). But apparently, as with e-mail, my kids have other ideas.
So what are my options? They can't really plant flowers, so they can't earn money that way. I don't want to pay them for doing their chores or helping around the house, because this is what they are supposed to do without expecting a reward. I encourage good behavior with positive discipline - buying books, giving TV or video game privileges, etc., but never with money. They are too young to babysit or paint neighbors' fences. And if they are too young to earn money, they are too young to have it.
So the answer to the question: "what can I do to earn money?" currently is "nothing." As I tried to explain to my son, everybody in the family has responsibilities, and by doing them they don't expect any reward. Our family has a common budget, and we share it. Some families do not. Some reward good behaviour or doing chores with money. Every family has different rules. The sooner my son understands it, the better. Unfortunately, because of the peer pressure, it's an uphill battle for me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Diaries of an old-fashioned housewife
Recently my 9-year-old son asked me to create him an e-mail account. "What for? - I asked.
My opinion about internet/computer games/silly cartoons is the following: "if we grew up without it, you can too." And you can imagine how many of us had computers in the former Soviet Union. But my son was persistent, and so was I. I even started a discussion on our school mailing list whether a 3rd-grader needs e-mail and why. We all discussed it for a few days and came to a decision that I am an old-fashioned geek. Even though almost every child in class has an e-mail account, very few parents told me what they are using it for.
"Everyone in my class has it." My answer to "everyone is doing it" is always: "Every household has its own rules, and if you don't like mine, you can go live with somebody else's family." But a few days ago life made a joke on me. Alex started a special math school, where he has to have an e-mail account to communicate with his teacher. I lost a battle with modern age, which was probably bound to happen.
I am being a hypocrite when it comes to modern-day devices. I know that we need to visit each other more and talk on the phone, like in good old times, instead of exchanging e-mails and hanging on Facebook. And what's up with electronic cards? What happened to calling your friend on her birthday? To me, e-mailing a card is like saying: "I didn't forget your birthday, but I don't really care to talk to you, so here is your card." And what happened to these lovely "Happy anniversary" cards that you used to send by snail-mail to your out-of-town relatives? I used to love going to a stationary store to pick out cards for my friends - they made the cards so pretty here. Not anymore. Now we don't have time - e-mailing a card is easier (and cheaper). So I do it too.
I am not that old-fashioned. I use internet to e-mail pictures to my friends. Of course, sending e-mail to a friend that lives across the ocean is a lot faster than sending a snail-mail letter (which I did when I first came here and before I bought a computer btw). And I use Facebook to exchange thoughts and ideas.
So, I guess internet is not so bad afterall. And maybe I am being too hard on my kids for keeping their use of computers to a minimum. But they are still kids and they need guidance. It's like alcohol for teenagers. Most of us drink because we know how to do it in moderation. But teenagers are a different story - we know they will drink, so we have to explain to them the dangers of overuse. Same with internet and the little kids. We know they are using internet, so monitor what they do and explain how to use it properly.
My opinion about internet/computer games/silly cartoons is the following: "if we grew up without it, you can too." And you can imagine how many of us had computers in the former Soviet Union. But my son was persistent, and so was I. I even started a discussion on our school mailing list whether a 3rd-grader needs e-mail and why. We all discussed it for a few days and came to a decision that I am an old-fashioned geek. Even though almost every child in class has an e-mail account, very few parents told me what they are using it for.
"Everyone in my class has it." My answer to "everyone is doing it" is always: "Every household has its own rules, and if you don't like mine, you can go live with somebody else's family." But a few days ago life made a joke on me. Alex started a special math school, where he has to have an e-mail account to communicate with his teacher. I lost a battle with modern age, which was probably bound to happen.
I am being a hypocrite when it comes to modern-day devices. I know that we need to visit each other more and talk on the phone, like in good old times, instead of exchanging e-mails and hanging on Facebook. And what's up with electronic cards? What happened to calling your friend on her birthday? To me, e-mailing a card is like saying: "I didn't forget your birthday, but I don't really care to talk to you, so here is your card." And what happened to these lovely "Happy anniversary" cards that you used to send by snail-mail to your out-of-town relatives? I used to love going to a stationary store to pick out cards for my friends - they made the cards so pretty here. Not anymore. Now we don't have time - e-mailing a card is easier (and cheaper). So I do it too.
I am not that old-fashioned. I use internet to e-mail pictures to my friends. Of course, sending e-mail to a friend that lives across the ocean is a lot faster than sending a snail-mail letter (which I did when I first came here and before I bought a computer btw). And I use Facebook to exchange thoughts and ideas.
So, I guess internet is not so bad afterall. And maybe I am being too hard on my kids for keeping their use of computers to a minimum. But they are still kids and they need guidance. It's like alcohol for teenagers. Most of us drink because we know how to do it in moderation. But teenagers are a different story - we know they will drink, so we have to explain to them the dangers of overuse. Same with internet and the little kids. We know they are using internet, so monitor what they do and explain how to use it properly.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friend wanted
The other day a girl mentioned to me that I haven't been blogging for a while. She said she was a fan and I should continue to write. I did not know I had any fans, and if I do, I truly thank you. It's just for a while I couldn't think of a topic to write about. But today it came to me, so Ariel, this one is for you.
I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.
I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.
Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.
So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.
What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.
I've already mentioned that my older son Alex has social problems. Being far ahead of his peers academically, he is far behind them in social skills. I've heard that very bright kids sometimes have social, sort of "odd boy out" problems. I think that's the problem, but I am still worried.
I decided to seek an advice and wrote to Alex's former 1st grade teacher. Her thought was that social skills needed to be taught to some kids just like math is being taught to others. She said that there are some playgroups especially for children who have problems making friends, and there are teachers who manage these groups to help kids make friends, be good sports, etc. She said that I should try a group like this for Alex. That made me think.
Alex has had social problems since his early childhood. His kindergarten teacher noticed this, and recommended a group for him. This group was taught by a guy called Big Mike. His goal was to teach kids team sports with emphasis on group skills, helping each other and generally improve their social skills. Teacher Sally recommended this group for Alex, and we took her advice. Alex couldn't be happier. He loved Big Mike (as all the other kids do, he is a really great teacher). Alex improved greatly his skills in american football, soccer, basketball, baseball, etc. As for his social skills - they didn't improve a bit. Alex stayed in Big Mike's group for 3 years; he would've stayed longer but he has too many activities. He loved the sports, but didn't pick up any friends.
So much for a "social group". Now I know there are other playgroups that "teach" social skills. But is that a solution? Will an "artificial" playgroup teach real social skills? How to approach a person you like and strike a conversation, how to join a game that several people are playing, how to defend yourself against a bully? And most importantly, how to WANT to have a friend? So far, Alex showed no desire to have a real close personal friend, or a group of friends. He is a good listener, he can carry a conversation (mostly with an adult, though), he plays well (but rarely) with a group of children. But he cannot, and does not seem to want to have a close personal friendship. I have my doubts that a playgroup or even a professional teacher will change that.
What is an alternative to a social group? Alex will continue to follow the girls around (despite my pleas not to), asking (to no avail) for playdates with them, and avoiding rough-and-tumble games with boys. Quite possibly, very soon he will be laughed at and bullied for that behavior. Do I want that to happen? In a weired sort of way, yes. Not to the point that will scar him for life of course, but to teach him what is socially appropriate for a boy of his age. He will learn it the hard way, but it will be a natural way, the way the real world works. Or maybe he will never learn it, and always be the "odd boy". But I really hope, and believe that it will happen that at some point he will finally find a good friend. Maybe it will be another "odd boy", and maybe not - but it will be the guy who Alex will like to spend time with and share his interests with. Maybe that time has not yet come, and the right boy has not yet come along. Or maybe a playgroup is a solution? I continue to think, worry, and hope.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Playdates and what they teach us
I think that playdates are purely american invention - just like Starbucks coffee. Is there any other country that has this practice? When I was growing up in the evil empire, my idea of a playdate was running outside with neigborhood kids until it was too dark to play, with absolutely no adult supervision.
But I am here now, and my own kids require different sort of playdates.
With my older son, it was easy. Until Kindergarten, he had no friends, therefore he didn't need any playdates. He was extremely unsocial. When he started school, things started to change. He did find a few friends, and they were... all girls. First, it was one girl in particular, then he added a few more to his friends list. He actually did have a list. Interestingly, girls loved him. They knew about the list, and desperately wanted to be on it. We once had a serious talk with the teacher about this - the girls who didn't make the list were getting extremely upset. Therefore, the list had to go. But the girlfriends remained, and it was they who initiated the playdates. During Kindergarten and 1st grade, Alex had a few playdates, but only with the girls.
In 2nd grade, things started to change again. Alex was still following girls everywhere, but the girls were growing tired of it. The older they got, the more tired they became. Now the "play" is essentially this: Alex follows the girls around, and girls are running away and hiding. I am trying to explain to Alex, that at this age, girls mostly socialize among themselves, and therefore he needs to have male friends. So far my lectures have been in vain.
- "Why can't I have a playdate with Rebecca?" - he would ask.
- "Because Rebecca doesn't want it."
- "Why?"
- "Because she likes to play with girls, not with boys."
- "She doesn't want to play with me just because I am a boy?"
- "Yes."
- "But that's not fair!"
There is the end of that conversation. In 10 minutes we would be discussing another girl who doesn't want to have a playdate, and would end, again, with "That's not fair." This is where the matters stand now - no playdates, again, for Alex.
My younger son is another story. He was the center of attention in his preschool, and continues to be so now. Once again, a sign of a "normal" child - he hardly ever plays with girls, but he has quite a few boy friends, plays with them and then comes home to tell me who said what, what game they played and who won. Because of being "normal", he had more playdates last month than Alex had all these years.
Alex does not like it.
- "How come Mark gets to go on a playdate and I don't?"
- "Because you were not invited."
- "They didn't say that I am not allowed to stay!"
- "It is not polite to come if you are not invited."
- "How come I don't have any playdates?"
- "You have to find friends among boys, then you will have playdates too."
- "But why can't I have playdates with girls?!"
And there it starts again. At least Alex gets to play when Mark's friends comes to our house, but I don't know if the little ones like the older brother hanging around.
Playdates are social affairs for kids, but are even more so for the parents. Just because kids are the best of friends, you don't necessarily know or ever spoke to their parents. So, to organize a playdate you have to get in touch with a complete stranger. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you are not very social person, like me. You have to speak to a parent, get to know a little bit about their family and invite them over (or they will invite you). Sometimes a child wants to have a playdate with another child who does not. How would you resolve it without hurting the feelings - feelings of a parent, not of a child! Children will fight their own battles and forget all about it, but parents will remember and awkward situation will last long in their memory.
I am learning the culture of playdates. My kids are being my guides, and I learn from them, since they seem to be infinitely better at it than I am.
But I am here now, and my own kids require different sort of playdates.
With my older son, it was easy. Until Kindergarten, he had no friends, therefore he didn't need any playdates. He was extremely unsocial. When he started school, things started to change. He did find a few friends, and they were... all girls. First, it was one girl in particular, then he added a few more to his friends list. He actually did have a list. Interestingly, girls loved him. They knew about the list, and desperately wanted to be on it. We once had a serious talk with the teacher about this - the girls who didn't make the list were getting extremely upset. Therefore, the list had to go. But the girlfriends remained, and it was they who initiated the playdates. During Kindergarten and 1st grade, Alex had a few playdates, but only with the girls.
In 2nd grade, things started to change again. Alex was still following girls everywhere, but the girls were growing tired of it. The older they got, the more tired they became. Now the "play" is essentially this: Alex follows the girls around, and girls are running away and hiding. I am trying to explain to Alex, that at this age, girls mostly socialize among themselves, and therefore he needs to have male friends. So far my lectures have been in vain.
- "Why can't I have a playdate with Rebecca?" - he would ask.
- "Because Rebecca doesn't want it."
- "Why?"
- "Because she likes to play with girls, not with boys."
- "She doesn't want to play with me just because I am a boy?"
- "Yes."
- "But that's not fair!"
There is the end of that conversation. In 10 minutes we would be discussing another girl who doesn't want to have a playdate, and would end, again, with "That's not fair." This is where the matters stand now - no playdates, again, for Alex.
My younger son is another story. He was the center of attention in his preschool, and continues to be so now. Once again, a sign of a "normal" child - he hardly ever plays with girls, but he has quite a few boy friends, plays with them and then comes home to tell me who said what, what game they played and who won. Because of being "normal", he had more playdates last month than Alex had all these years. Alex does not like it.
- "How come Mark gets to go on a playdate and I don't?"
- "Because you were not invited."
- "They didn't say that I am not allowed to stay!"
- "It is not polite to come if you are not invited."
- "How come I don't have any playdates?"
- "You have to find friends among boys, then you will have playdates too."
- "But why can't I have playdates with girls?!"
And there it starts again. At least Alex gets to play when Mark's friends comes to our house, but I don't know if the little ones like the older brother hanging around.
Playdates are social affairs for kids, but are even more so for the parents. Just because kids are the best of friends, you don't necessarily know or ever spoke to their parents. So, to organize a playdate you have to get in touch with a complete stranger. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you are not very social person, like me. You have to speak to a parent, get to know a little bit about their family and invite them over (or they will invite you). Sometimes a child wants to have a playdate with another child who does not. How would you resolve it without hurting the feelings - feelings of a parent, not of a child! Children will fight their own battles and forget all about it, but parents will remember and awkward situation will last long in their memory.
I am learning the culture of playdates. My kids are being my guides, and I learn from them, since they seem to be infinitely better at it than I am.
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