Memories of turkish coffee

I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to find turkish coffee in America. Is it so hard to make?

All my late childhood was spent in little Odessa cafes that served only turkish coffee (probably because they didn't have those convenient coffeemakers they use in America). I would be sitting in one of those small cafes with my best friend at the time, drinking a cup of coffee. She would be smoking, and I would try to convince her to stop. It was shocking to me at one time that she started smoking, but little by little I've grown to love the smell of a cigarette mixed with the smell of coffee. I still love it now.

We would tell each other stories about school. We talked about soccer (or football, as we called it in Europe). We both loved soccer, which was strange for girls at that time and place - only men played soccer, and only men liked it. And then she would tell me about her boyfriends and other friends, and all of her adventures.

Unfortunately, her other friends turned out to be the wrong crowd. They taught her to smoke, and eventually they taught her to drink. I saw less and less of her, and so did her parents. She run away from home a few times. Last time she run away was a week before I was supposed to leave to America. The police was searching for her all over the city. My heart was heavy. If it wasn't enough that I had to leave - leave all my friends, my city that I loved dearly, leave little cafes and turkish coffee - I had to leave without knowing what happened to my friend. For all I knew she could be dead, and I would never find out. Luckily, she was not. She appeared 2 days before my departure. I could sigh easily - at least she was home safe. But her life did not become any better. Never, ever.

I often hear from my friends that I am too protective of my kids. "Everybody should be allowed to make mistakes", - they say, - "and learn from them." "Most people make mistakes in their childhood, and they turn out fine." This is true, and there are enough mistakes to go around. What people don't realize very often, is that some mistakes you made in your teenage years, could haunt you a lifetime. I saw it happened. Moreover, it almost happened to me. I was lucky enough to escape. My friend was not. From my own experience, I know which mistakes are harmless and can be sorted out by the kids, and which are dangerous. I can't protect my kids from every mistake, but I can try to teach them to trust me and ask for help if they are ever in trouble.

I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. I am thinking of my friend.

Playdates and what they teach us

I think that playdates are purely american invention - just like Starbucks coffee. Is there any other country that has this practice? When I was growing up in the evil empire, my idea of a playdate was running outside with neigborhood kids until it was too dark to play, with absolutely no adult supervision.

But I am here now, and my own kids require different sort of playdates.

With my older son, it was easy. Until Kindergarten, he had no friends, therefore he didn't need any playdates. He was extremely unsocial. When he started school, things started to change. He did find a few friends, and they were... all girls. First, it was one girl in particular, then he added a few more to his friends list. He actually did have a list. Interestingly, girls loved him. They knew about the list, and desperately wanted to be on it. We once had a serious talk with the teacher about this - the girls who didn't make the list were getting extremely upset. Therefore, the list had to go. But the girlfriends remained, and it was they who initiated the playdates. During Kindergarten and 1st grade, Alex had a few playdates, but only with the girls.

In 2nd grade, things started to change again. Alex was still following girls everywhere, but the girls were growing tired of it. The older they got, the more tired they became. Now the "play" is essentially this: Alex follows the girls around, and girls are running away and hiding. I am trying to explain to Alex, that at this age, girls mostly socialize among themselves, and therefore he needs to have male friends. So far my lectures have been in vain.

- "Why can't I have a playdate with Rebecca?" - he would ask.
- "Because Rebecca doesn't want it."
- "Why?"
- "Because she likes to play with girls, not with boys."
- "She doesn't want to play with me just because I am a boy?"
- "Yes."
- "But that's not fair!"


There is the end of that conversation. In 10 minutes we would be discussing another girl who doesn't want to have a playdate, and would end, again, with "That's not fair." This is where the matters stand now - no playdates, again, for Alex.

My younger son is another story. He was the center of attention in his preschool, and continues to be so now. Once again, a sign of a "normal" child - he hardly ever plays with girls, but he has quite a few boy friends, plays with them and then comes home to tell me who said what, what game they played and who won. Because of being "normal", he had more playdates last month than Alex had all these years.

Alex does not like it.

- "How come Mark gets to go on a playdate and I don't?"
- "Because you were not invited."
- "They didn't say that I am not allowed to stay!"
- "It is not polite to come if you are not invited."
- "How come I don't have any playdates?"
- "You have to find friends among boys, then you will have playdates too."
- "But why can't I have playdates with girls?!"


And there it starts again. At least Alex gets to play when Mark's friends comes to our house, but I don't know if the little ones like the older brother hanging around.

Playdates are social affairs for kids, but are even more so for the parents. Just because kids are the best of friends, you don't necessarily know or ever spoke to their parents. So, to organize a playdate you have to get in touch with a complete stranger. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you are not very social person, like me. You have to speak to a parent, get to know a little bit about their family and invite them over (or they will invite you). Sometimes a child wants to have a playdate with another child who does not. How would you resolve it without hurting the feelings - feelings of a parent, not of a child! Children will fight their own battles and forget all about it, but parents will remember and awkward situation will last long in their memory.

I am learning the culture of playdates. My kids are being my guides, and I learn from them, since they seem to be infinitely better at it than I am.