Finally, a political one... this was long coming

So far, this blog has never touched the subject of politics. I think it's time. It's time because for 20 year that I've lived in the United States, never did we face an election so important as the one we are facing this November. This election will determine the direction this country is going to take, probably for years to come.

When my family came to this country 20 years ago, we had no money. We received government assistance that was just enough to cover our rent and food expenses. We wanted a better life, so we strived to find a job, even if it meant loosing government assistance. 2 months after our arrival, all three of us - both of my parents and I - were working. My father, a history teacher in Ukraine, was doing a hard physical job, sometimes 12 hours a day. My mother was babysitting while preparing for her pharmacy technician exam. I was working weekends as a companion for a 94-year-old lady, and on weekdays I was attending a vocational school. It was not an easy life for our family. But it was the only way to succeed in America - not to rely on the government to sustain you, but to strive and make it on your own. We knew that was the way America worked even before we came here, and we never complained. We knew some people in Russian community who made it big and became quite wealthy, but we were never envious.

16 years later, enter Barak Obama. He is a big "social justice" guy. He is the one to "spread the wealth around." He does not believe that you can make it on your own. He thinks that the government should take care of you. He believes that "rich people" should pay more taxes so that he can expand government programs. By doing that, he will make people dependent on government assistance, and kill an insentive to get an education, to find a job, to become successful. This country, instead of being the country of self-reliance, as it has always been, will become the country of entitlements. USA will take the direction that many European countries have taken. They heavily tax people who achieve success, so other people do not strive for success. They give out government assistance, so more and more people demand it. People are not willing to work hard if they can get stuff for free, the economies collapse, and when the government tries to reverse course, riots break out. This is where we are heading, and president Obama is in the lead.

This election is not about Romney and Obama personally. Maybe Romney is not the best candidate. So far, he was not able to "connect" with people, he has not come up with a specific plan to get the country out of recession, and he generally does not appear "a cool guy" in a way president Obama does. But election is never a popularity contest. This election in particular is about what direction this country is going to take. Romney will restore the self-reliance approach. Obama will continue to "spread the wealth around."

President Obama does not appear to think much of the american people. He considers us stupid by opining that Supreme Court cannot overturn a law passed by Congress. Apparently, very few of us heard of the process of judicial review. He considers us envious by constantly portraying Romney as "the rich guy" as if being rich is somehow shameful or even criminal. Apparently, american people envy the rich and consider them corrupt. Finally, Obama does not think you are smart enough, educated enough, hard-working enough to build your own wealth. He wants the government to take care of you. Do you?

In recent time several of my friends opened their own businesses. I am proud of them and wish them success. They will build it on their own, all the while paying taxes that pay for the roads and bridges that they use (somebody tell president Obama that business owners do pay for that). To all my friends who own a business, as well as to those who go to work every day to provide for their families, as well as to make this country even greater - my hat is off to you. You do not need a part of somebody else's wealth. You can build your own.

Food for thought

You can be proud to be black, but if you are proud to be white - you are a racist.
You can be proud to be a woman, but if you are proud to be a man - you are a sexist.
You can be proud to be gay, but if you are proud to be straight - you are a bigot.
You can be proud to be a Muslim, but if you are proud to be a Christian - you are a religious nut.
You can be proud to work at McDonalds, but if you are proud to work on Wall Street - you are "out of touch".
You can be proud to be a single mother, but if you are proud to have a husband - you are not "an independent woman".

Fair?

Fast lanes and life lessons

This year Great America theme park introduced a new service.  For only $30 a day, you can get a "fast lane" wrist band that allows you to bypass the lines for any attraction.  $30 a day!  It's half the cost of their season pass.  It's a rip-off, and everybody knows it.

I know some people don't mind rip-offs to get better experience out of their day.  I know some people do mind.  And I also know that some people simply cannot afford it.

We all know and love the rip-offs that come with theme parks - skyrocketing ticket prices, overpriced junk food, and extremely poor quality, but equally extremely expensive merchandise.  We know that going in, and don't mind them so much because theme parks make our children happy.  But fast lane is different.  It makes some children happy at the expense of other children.  And that is wrong.

Wealthy people have their privileges.  They eat at better restaurants, they stay at better hotels, they get better quality clothes.  They travel more.  They live in bigger, more luxurious houses.  And on, and on, and on.  And that is fine with me.  Most of them worked hard for their money, they earned it, and they get to spend it the way they like.  But most of the time, they don't get their privileges at the expense of people who make less.  A 6-year-old usually doesn't know that a classmate next to him wears a T-shirt that costs $40, while his costs $10.  They get the same attention from teachers, and they study the same material.  None gets preferential treatment.  Fast lane, again, is completely opposite.  As long as you can (and willing to) pay (a lot) extra, the park will provide better service for you at the expense of others.

Imagine a family that is struggling to make ends meet because one of the parents lost his job.  Nevertheless, they decided to spend their daughter's birthday at Great America because she's been asking for it for a few months.  How do they explain to her why she should wait in line for a ride for half an hour while all these kids with wrist bands keep jumping ahead of her?  How do they justify "wait your turn" lessons that she's been taught since she was a toddler?  And by the way, those lucky kids with wristbands don't benefit much from "fast lane" lessons either, teaching them that being able to pay extra somehow makes them better than all those people waiting in line.  Money, afterall, can't, and shouldn't, buy everything.

We all know that theme parks are out for profit.  But they cater to children.  The least they can do is while making their profit, make sure that they don't trample on children's ideals, such as fairness.  Great America should be ashamed of itself for such a sleazy way to make more money.  And you know these "No line jumping" signs they have next to every ride?  Now right next to them they have "Fast lane" arrows pointing to one direction or the other.  I think these should be renamed to "Line jumping this way."

An incident at a shopping plaza

Several weeks ago, a few kids from our school had a very unpleasant incident.  While hanging out on a shopping plaza, they run into a number of kids from a local middle school who apparently started shouting antisemitic slurs at them.  That is all I know about the incident, except our kids went back to school, complained about it, and parents and teachers got involved.  The process of understanding what happened and how it could happen at this day and age had begun.  The principal of the offending school was informed.  The principal of our school addressed the issue with kids and parents.  A person from Anti-Defamation League was invited to school to speak to the kids about the proper response to the situation.

We the parents had a long and meaningful discussion about the incident and what to do about it in the future.  During the course of discussion, we split into two basic camps - those who believed that our kids should hold their heads high and walk away, and those who insisted on immediate action such as calling the local police or at least finding a mall security guard.  I expressed my support for the second half, deciding not to reveal that I was in a category all by myself.  I wished that there was among our kids someone big and strong or at least someone who knew enough martial arts to confront one of the offenders and give him a bloody nose.

Ok, I agree, that is not a popular position.  Nor it is rational, probably.  It is the kind of response that may put our kids in actual physical danger, providing that among the offenders there might've been someone who knew martial arts also.  But walking away, even with the heads held high, sounds a little defeatist to me.  I mean don't our kids have the right to be at the shopping plaza without being insulted?  Why should they walk away?  Why not the offenders?  I understand that our teachers, and even Anti-Defamation League counselors have to take a politically correct position and advise the kids to stay away from violence.  But we the parents - that's another issue.  Is it not our responsibility to teach our kids how to stand up for themselves, and for justice, and there are, there really are some causes worth fighting for?

And that brings me to the argument I've been having with my son ever since the accident happened.  Naturally, I wanted to discuss it and see what his feelings about it were.  To my great disappointment, he dismissed the whole thing as unworthy of attention.  He called the offenders "stupid", he said that "they have already been punished", and "since they were not using violence, that was no big deal."  He further concluded that walking away proudly thinking that they are much bigger than the offenders was the best idea.  I had to respond that the cases of antisemitism, or any other hate incidents, often start with words, and escalate to violence, and we might walk away one time, but knowing that they got the upper hand, the offenders will follow us to our houses and start breaking windows and slashing our car tires, what then?  To that my very wise son had a response that totally blew me away.  He said that he was not involved in the incident, nobody knows he is a Jew and he is not going to advertise it, and that way nobody is going to follow him anywhere.

That brought back the question that I ask myself more and more often these days.  Where did I go wrong?  Not only I did not raise a fighter, not only my son will not defend justice even if it means getting a bloody nose - he was never a fighting kind and would rather walk away from a confrontation.  But his solution to the problem is actually "not advertising" that he is a Jew and that "would not provoke" the stupid kids in the first place.  "Are you ashamed of being a Jew?"- I asked.  No, he is not ashamed.  But he is smarter than the offenders, he is bigger than they are, and he is not going to engage in the confrontation.  He will walk away.

Ok, so we have a significant difference of opinion here.  Lucky for me, the school is holding a workshop on how to deal with antisemitism this weekend, and I requested that we both attend it, present our points of view, listen to the views of others, and arrive to some kind of solution here.  Most importantly, both of us attending the workshop would bring this issue on a forefront and hopefully my son can see why it is important to me and to the community.  Again, I was in for more disappointment.  My child stated that "he already had the lecture about it in school," "he knows how to handle the situation," and most importantly, "he is not wasting his Sunday on a two-hour lecture on a subject that is unimportant."

I think the workshop would be good for both of us.  Maybe people will be able to persuade me that physical confrontation is not the answer here.  Maybe I can ask a question why should our children walk away and the offenders stay there and feel good about their "victory."  Maybe I can ask if calling the police would be a good idea and how the police will even respond to a situation like this.  There is a lot of questions I would like an answer to.  My problem is my son doesn't have any questions.  He doesn't consider the issue important, or even that it is of concern to him as long as he "doesn't advertise that he is a Jew."  Where did I go wrong?

I come from a country where antisemitism ran rampant.  We often had to hide the fact that we are Jewish, just for our own protection.  We changed our last names, we lied about our ancestors, just in order to get ahead in life - if you were Jewish, you would not get very far.  I guess that's why when we came here and finally had the freedom of expressing our religion, many of us do so proudly, and won't have anything stand in our way.  Our kids, however, being raised in a little safe bubble of a Jewish school, where being Jewish is nothing more to them than learning such unnecessary subjects as Hebrew and Jewish studies, and saying a little prayer before lunch, see things differently - antisemitism is not a scary concept for them.  It starts with "stupid kids saying stupid things" and ends with these kids being suspended from school for a few days and does not go any further.

So, maybe the real question is: "Where did our school go wrong?"  With the antisemitism being alive and well for centuries across the globe, our kids did not know anything about it until they met it one day at a shopping plaza.  Why didn't our school, being a Jewish school, devote some time, starting in 3rd grade, to discussion of antisemitism?  Age-appropriate of course, but serious nevertheless?  Why does a Jewish school devote several months each year to study of Native Americans, but does not devote even a few days to discussion of antisemitism and how to confront it?  Why did our kids have to encounter it face to face without having any clue on how to respond so that our school started having discussions, workshops, and counseling, instead of proactively teaching the kids before the incident actually happened?  I have to give it to our school - they study Jewish values, Tzhedakah, the Holocaust, even Jewish cooking.  But with antisemitism, they really blew it.  And so did I.  I had to be pro-active too.  I, too, was immersed in my own safe American bubble where antisemitism rarely ever happens, and is almost never reported.  I never imagined my son encountering it at a shopping plaza.  Why then am I so surprised at his reaction?  Why should I expect that he would react the same way as I do?  Why do I expect that making him go to a workshop that he already hates the idea of will change his mind more than having an eye-to-eye conversation about how each of us feel, where our feelings are coming from, and how to solve our differences?

In recent months, I find myself being mad and disappointed with my son more and more often.  But when I think about it, I find that I am disappointed with him not because he does something unworthy, but because his views and opinions are so much different from mine.  His ideas about friendship, love, justice, and even about being Jewish are so much different.  And since spending time having a conversation with a family member is not lately his idea of fun, understanding each other and finding a compromise is so difficult.  And frustrating.  And makes me want to disparage his opinions and snap at him and fire a hurtful remark, instantly transforming myself into an enemy whose points of view are not worth any consideration.  Not wise.

Parenthood - a job that embarrasses your teen (a diary of an old-fashioned mom)

No matter how well you know that teenage age is going to be difficult, you are never really prepared. You don't know what to expect next and how much more difficult it is going to get. And you definitely don't know how to react.

Yesterday we found out that our son is ashamed of us. Not that it was a big surprise, but yesterday we heard it loud and clear. When being dropped off at school by his father, he prefers that his father does not come into the school with him, but yesterday he told us why - he is ashamed. And don't his father dare to ever come into the school and embarrass him in front of his friends (by merely walking into the school to ask the receptionist a question)!

I am trying to start a conversation about this. Why are you ashamed? Is your father a drunk? Does he do drugs? Does he not provide a decent living for his family? Is he illiterate? What is the reason for you to be ashamed of him? I know the answer to the question, but I am wondering if my son knows. I am wondering if he knows what the word "ashamed" means. I am also wondering if that's a typical teenage behavior talking or my son actually grew up to be a disrespectful brat. For a number of months now, I tend to write off signs of disrespectful behavior to being "just a phase", but I am wondering if that's the right approach.

I know he is not only ashamed of his father. He is ashamed of me, too. He is not just ashamed, he is disgusted with me. He is furious at me. I am not a permissive parent. I have very high expectations. And I don't accept "everybody is doing it" as an argument. But I also clean his room. I start my grocery shopping with his favorite foods - berries and chocolate yogurt. I bring books that he requests from the library and put them on his table for him to find when he comes home. I drive him to and from activities and social events. I am there for him for his project presentations and book reports. I don't expect gratitude (does anyone really expect that from kids?) but I expect an acknowledgement and appropriate behavior. I certainly do not get it. What I get is "I don't care how my room looks", "You don't know anything", and "You are the meanest parent in class."

So, I am trying to continue the conversation. "Your father is not your taxi driver and I am not your maid. If you continue to expect favors from us you need to learn to be more respectful and acknowledge our needs. Otherwise, next time you need a ride to a school dance or a playdate, you will need to call a taxi." I don't think I am getting through. I think he actually believes that whatever we do for him we owe him, and he owes us nothing. Not gratitude, not even respect. Again, I don't know if that's a teenage behavior that will go away, or my son grew up into egocentric, rude, selfish person, and it's too late to try and change it.

Right now, I am still willing to trust that it's just a phase. Afterall, I was a difficult teenager myself, and although I was never disrespectful, I felt resentful toward my parents. The difference is I kept it inside and never showed it. And the reason that I didn't show it is I was afraid of the consequences of showing disrespect. We brought up our children in a way that they are not afraid of us. I think it's a good thing. But how much, if any, of disrespectful behavior should be tolerated? And how do you approach it? Punishment is a common answer, but if you think of it, it's easy to understand that you don't earn respect by punishment. The more you punish your teen, the more he will feel like a victim and the more he will think you deserve disrespect. Punishment doesn't earn respect. It breeds more disrespect.

It looks like the task I am facing now is learning how to teach respect. And how to give proper consequences for disrespectful behavior. Writing it off to "just a phase" is not going to do. Or, as my husband rightly put it, I don't know if I will live long enough to see the other end of this phase.

White men can't do math

Yesterday my son competed in first Bay Area Math Championship. I went into the room with him, and actually felt pretty humble - I was in the same room with about 120 brightest young mathematicians in Bay Area. Interestingly enough, all those brightest mathematicians were either Asian or Indian. My son's was the only white face in the room.

I was not exactly surprised. Last summer my son took Science and Engineering class at CTY summer program. This is Johns Hopkins University program for gifted kids. He reported that he was the only non-Asian kid in his class.

He also competes in chess tournaments, and most of the competitors are either Asian or Indian.

Last month, a few boys from our school formed a team and went to another math competition. They were the only white faces there, too.

I am starting to get used to this, and I can't help but feel resentful. Is it really true that white kids cannot do math? Are there no gifted kids among Caucasians, or blacks for that matter? I have a few (white) friends who I consider math geniuses. But those are adults. What happened to the kids?

In his numerous books, Pat Buchanan complains about how the immigrants are taking over white America. For the record, I consider Pat Buchanan a racist and a bigot. He does have some valid points, however. But here is a point that is even more valid - sometimes, white America gives in way too willingly. For example, white American women have children later and later in life, and have fewer and fewer of them, unlike other nationalities for which having children seems to be a priority. That bugs me. Not introducing children to math and science from an early age bugs me as well.

White American moms will drive their children to soccer practices 50 miles away from home. They will push their kicking and screaming toddlers into the water for their swim lesson which the little ones dread. They will put their 2-year-olds on skis and snowboards before the kids can even walk independently. But when it comes to math, they will wait until school takes over, and to be honest, most schools do not do the best job of teaching math.

Surely, not all the kids can be gifted mathematicians. But how will you know that your kid is good at math, if you don't introduce math at an early age? Your kid will never become a good gymnast if you wait until he is 7 to start gymnastics. He could've been great, but you missed the crucial window of development. It's the same with most other sports. If you want your child to be competitive, you have to start early. The thing is, for most kids it's not that important to be competitive in any sport. But math is extremely important, for every child. So why are we waiting? Why are we missing this crucial window of development? Why are we not introducing math at earlier age, in ways that are understandable and fun, and waiting for school that introduces math in ways that makes most children hate it? I hear a lot of complains how the school-age kids hate math, and how math is their least favorite subject. Incidentally, all of those complaining are whites. Asian and Indian kids love math. They do it in their spare time, and they enjoy math competitions. Is it possible that white parents are pre-programming their kids from an early age to be scared of math?

I feel resentful. I do not like to come to a math competition and feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't want to feel like there is something wrong with my son because he is the only white person there. This year, there will be 3 of his classmates at CTY. That makes me very happy. I also hope that his school math team will continue practicing and participating in competitions next year. As for the rest of the white (or black) Americans - introduce math early. You may be surprised to find out that your child IS a gifted mathematician.

Changes (diary of an old-fashioned mom)

I remember the times when my child was a toddler. He changed almost before my very eyes. Every day brought a new change. New movements. New words. New behaviors. New skills. New expressions. Over the second year of his life, he changed dramatically.

Now he is 12 years old, and I feel like I am re-living the same period over again. Every day, I have a completely new child. New words. New behaviors. New likes and dislikes. Every day brings something new, and I feel like I don't really know him anymore, and I don't know what he will be like tomorrow.

Most importantly, how did he manage to turn into a person whose character I don't even like? He is not kind. He is not compassionate. He doesn't have any regard for other people's feelings and opinions. He is narcissistic, egocentric, and stubborn. He uses language that I'd rather not hear. He watches cheap action movies instead of fun kid flicks. He listens to trashy pop instead of classical music or classic rock. He reads trendy teenage books instead of meaningful literature.

Where did I go wrong? Was I too strict? Too permissive? Did I have too many rules? Were my expectations too high? G-d knows how many parenting mistakes I have made and still making. I have always known that teenage years are not easy, but I guess you are never really ready. And who knows how much more difficult it is going to get?

I still have a glimmer of hope, however. Just like during the toddler years, when constant physical changes turn a baby that is fully physically dependent on you into an older child who is somewhat capable of taking care of himself, maybe constant emotional changes of a pre-teen will turn him from being a child who was fully emotionally dependent on me into an adolescent who is totally able to understand things and think for himself.

This is a huge step for a young person, a step that's not an easy one and which does not happen overnight. But hopefully, given some freedom, he will figure things out. He will understand other people's feelings. He will understand what language is appropriate to use and when. He will learn how to distinguish "trendy" and "trashy" literature and music from those worth his full attention. But in order for him to learn all that, he must be given freedom to experiment. And I must learn how to live with "experimenting" without loosing my temper and my mind.

About a boy who came in next to last

I stayed in the gym today for the announcement of yesterday's competition results. What mother wouldn't? My younger son took a medal for every event and, for the first time ever, an all-around gold medal. My older son came in next to last. But, after making the announcement, the gym manager called my older son to the floor. He told the whole gym how Alex never competed in level 4, how he joined the team late and had to catch up with the younger level fives, and how he comes to the practice and does his best every time. I am so glad. I am sure it meant a lot to Alex.

We never planned for Alex to compete in gymnastics. We brought him to gymnastics to make him stronger and tougher. But coaches had other plans, and Alex was quickly promoted to the team, somewhat against our wish. We still didn't plan that he would compete, but Alex really wanted to. Seeing his brother compete last year, competition seemed glamorous to him. We've tried to explain to him that he is not up to the level of most of the boys, that he didn't have time to learn all the skills, that he would never catch up with his younger brother, that he would probably never get a medal and feel bad about it. We've tried to explain how tough it is to try to do your best and not get a good result, because other boys are just so much better. But Alex still wanted to compete. And we felt that it wouldn't be fair to just not let him.

Alex thought he could handle the pressure. Maybe he thought that getting good results are not important and just competing would be enough. Or maybe he thought he was really better prepared than he actually was, and he could get good results. But again, he was not. After placing among the last at 2 competitions, Alex is disappointed at gymnastics. He is bitter, sad, and angry. I can see that he realized that he made a mistake by going into the competitions. And I was wondering if I made a mistake by letting him.

That's why I was so glad today to hear the gym manager praise Alex. Of course we praise him after every competition, we stress how important it is that he tries his best no matter what the result is, but he probably knows that we do this because we have to, that his younger brother performs so much better, and that makes him sad. I hope that today will change Alex's attitude toward this year's future competitions. He is determined to quit gymnastics after the season is over, and I think it's the right decision, but I really hated to see him suffer through it instead of having fun. I hope he will remember today. And I feel better about my decision to let him compete. To let him make a mistake and learn from it, and hopefully become tougher and stronger. Mentally, not just physically.

Every time I go to a competition, I am at awe with these young men who come to show the miracles of strength and sportsmanship. Each and every one of them comes to the gym 3 - 4 times a week, for several hours, after school and homework, and pushes himself to the limit, to do his best. Every single one of them should be proud, no matter which score he posts on the board. Every single one of them is a champion.

And for every parent I have this to say. Support your kids. It doesn't matter what their interest is. It may be gymnastics, swimming, chess, or ballet. They may perform at the theater or play a musical instrument. Support them, no matter what their results are. If they want to sing in a choir, and you know they can't carry a tune, still support them. Let them do their best. Let them push their limits. They are putting in their time and effort, and sometimes they have to deal with bitter disappointments. The least you can do is show you care. They are your champions, even if they came in next to last.