Changes (diary of an old-fashioned mom)

I remember the times when my child was a toddler. He changed almost before my very eyes. Every day brought a new change. New movements. New words. New behaviors. New skills. New expressions. Over the second year of his life, he changed dramatically.

Now he is 12 years old, and I feel like I am re-living the same period over again. Every day, I have a completely new child. New words. New behaviors. New likes and dislikes. Every day brings something new, and I feel like I don't really know him anymore, and I don't know what he will be like tomorrow.

Most importantly, how did he manage to turn into a person whose character I don't even like? He is not kind. He is not compassionate. He doesn't have any regard for other people's feelings and opinions. He is narcissistic, egocentric, and stubborn. He uses language that I'd rather not hear. He watches cheap action movies instead of fun kid flicks. He listens to trashy pop instead of classical music or classic rock. He reads trendy teenage books instead of meaningful literature.

Where did I go wrong? Was I too strict? Too permissive? Did I have too many rules? Were my expectations too high? G-d knows how many parenting mistakes I have made and still making. I have always known that teenage years are not easy, but I guess you are never really ready. And who knows how much more difficult it is going to get?

I still have a glimmer of hope, however. Just like during the toddler years, when constant physical changes turn a baby that is fully physically dependent on you into an older child who is somewhat capable of taking care of himself, maybe constant emotional changes of a pre-teen will turn him from being a child who was fully emotionally dependent on me into an adolescent who is totally able to understand things and think for himself.

This is a huge step for a young person, a step that's not an easy one and which does not happen overnight. But hopefully, given some freedom, he will figure things out. He will understand other people's feelings. He will understand what language is appropriate to use and when. He will learn how to distinguish "trendy" and "trashy" literature and music from those worth his full attention. But in order for him to learn all that, he must be given freedom to experiment. And I must learn how to live with "experimenting" without loosing my temper and my mind.