No matter how well you know that teenage age is going to be difficult, you are never really prepared. You don't know what to expect next and how much more difficult it is going to get. And you definitely don't know how to react.
Yesterday we found out that our son is ashamed of us. Not that it was a big surprise, but yesterday we heard it loud and clear. When being dropped off at school by his father, he prefers that his father does not come into the school with him, but yesterday he told us why - he is ashamed. And don't his father dare to ever come into the school and embarrass him in front of his friends (by merely walking into the school to ask the receptionist a question)!
I am trying to start a conversation about this. Why are you ashamed? Is your father a drunk? Does he do drugs? Does he not provide a decent living for his family? Is he illiterate? What is the reason for you to be ashamed of him? I know the answer to the question, but I am wondering if my son knows. I am wondering if he knows what the word "ashamed" means. I am also wondering if that's a typical teenage behavior talking or my son actually grew up to be a disrespectful brat. For a number of months now, I tend to write off signs of disrespectful behavior to being "just a phase", but I am wondering if that's the right approach.
I know he is not only ashamed of his father. He is ashamed of me, too. He is not just ashamed, he is disgusted with me. He is furious at me. I am not a permissive parent. I have very high expectations. And I don't accept "everybody is doing it" as an argument. But I also clean his room. I start my grocery shopping with his favorite foods - berries and chocolate yogurt. I bring books that he requests from the library and put them on his table for him to find when he comes home. I drive him to and from activities and social events. I am there for him for his project presentations and book reports. I don't expect gratitude (does anyone really expect that from kids?) but I expect an acknowledgement and appropriate behavior. I certainly do not get it. What I get is "I don't care how my room looks", "You don't know anything", and "You are the meanest parent in class."
So, I am trying to continue the conversation. "Your father is not your taxi driver and I am not your maid. If you continue to expect favors from us you need to learn to be more respectful and acknowledge our needs. Otherwise, next time you need a ride to a school dance or a playdate, you will need to call a taxi." I don't think I am getting through. I think he actually believes that whatever we do for him we owe him, and he owes us nothing. Not gratitude, not even respect. Again, I don't know if that's a teenage behavior that will go away, or my son grew up into egocentric, rude, selfish person, and it's too late to try and change it.
Right now, I am still willing to trust that it's just a phase. Afterall, I was a difficult teenager myself, and although I was never disrespectful, I felt resentful toward my parents. The difference is I kept it inside and never showed it. And the reason that I didn't show it is I was afraid of the consequences of showing disrespect. We brought up our children in a way that they are not afraid of us. I think it's a good thing. But how much, if any, of disrespectful behavior should be tolerated? And how do you approach it? Punishment is a common answer, but if you think of it, it's easy to understand that you don't earn respect by punishment. The more you punish your teen, the more he will feel like a victim and the more he will think you deserve disrespect. Punishment doesn't earn respect. It breeds more disrespect.
It looks like the task I am facing now is learning how to teach respect. And how to give proper consequences for disrespectful behavior. Writing it off to "just a phase" is not going to do. Or, as my husband rightly put it, I don't know if I will live long enough to see the other end of this phase.
1 comment:
I remember being embarrassed about my parents when I was growing up. During the transition from child to adult I wanted to pretend I was already all grown up. Having my friends see my parents forced me to admit to myself that I wasn't grown up yet, and that embarrassed me.
A lot of things where embarrassing when I was a teenager. I grew out of it in the end.
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