Expectations and disapointments

Yesterday, my younger son informed me that his Hebrew teacher recommended him to be in native Hebrew speakers class starting in 3rd grade. "She said I can do it, but it's up to me to choose", - he said. "I want to try it out and see how hard it is first." I can already see that he will not want to go the extra mile required to be in this much more difficult class.

When my older son was promoted to native Hebrew speakers class 1.5 years ago, it was a complete surprise to us. When we found out about it, he already completed one try-out week. We were even more surprised when we found out that the school never promotes a non-native speaker, especially when his parents don't know a word of Hebrew, to this class. At first, teachers suggested that if Alex wants to be in the class, he will need tutoring. Tutoring was quite expensive, and since learning Hebrew at a higher level wasn't a priority, we were hesitant to pay extra money to the school for tutoring him. But Alex wasn't backing out. He was extremely proud of his achievement and determined to do any extra work required to stay in class. He did stay, without tutoring, and is now striving according to his teachers.

Alex never had a problem going an extra mile when it comes to studying. Learning is the most important thing to him. He is the one going to the teachers for extra assignments, taking extra math classes on the Internet, and preparing PowerPoint presentations for his classmates. When it comes to learning, he pushes himself to the limit.

Not so with Mark. Mark loves his gymnastics, and there, he tries to put his best foot forward. But when it comes to school, he takes an easy road. Sure, his report cards always have the highest marks. But that's not because he tries hard - it's because the elementary school program is, well, elementary. He is already complaining that math is too easy, but when given an optional, and more difficult, assignment (the kids get one every week), I have to insist that he does it. I know he can, so I insist. On the latest parent-teacher conference, the teachers complained to me that in writing, he does the minimum. They know he can do more, so they send the assignment back for revision and more writing. "We wouldn't do it if we knew that a child could not do more", - they said, - "but Mark can. He simply is not trying."

There is a difference between pushing a child into doing more than he is ready for, and insisting on doing his best work possible to realize his potential. In first case, you will not only be turning him off education altogether, but you won't get any results. In the second case, there are also two situations possible. If you are lucky, your child will take pleasure in doing his best work, and be proud of the results. If you are not so lucky, your child will simply refuse to do the extra work, and do the minimum to achieve satisfactory results. To complicate this situation even further, there will be a difference between yours and his definition of "satisfactory". And in this second case, if you keep pushing, there is also this danger of turning your child off education completely. If you push him too hard into doing something he doesn't want to do, it will backfire. But if you push him just right, not even letting him feel that he is being "pushed", you may get the results that you want.

So what's a parent to do? If you feel like your child is doing a sloppy job, not trying at all and producing results that are not satisfactory to you or the teachers, you will want to interfere. If, however, he is doing a satisfactory job (even though he can do more), you have two choices.

You may want to leave it as is, giving your child a choice of doing optional assignments (or go to the native Hebrew speakers class in my case) if he feels like it, or simply be satisfied with the good job he is doing without trying too hard. Your child will appreciate the choice. If you tell him "the choice is yours" he may even surprise you and work on this extra assignment once in a while.

Or, you may want to let him know that you expect him to do a better job. You can tell him how proud you feel when he completes his more difficult assignments, learns another language, or gets great results at his chosen sport. You can tell him that you realize that he puts in extra time and effort and you appreciate it. You can even give him a reward once in a while (be sure to do it sparingly though, otherwise he will learn to expect a reward every time he does an extra assignment). But if you decide to go that route, make sure not to overdo it. Taking away privileges, instituting punishments, and fighting over "trying his best" will produce exactly the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. Your child will feel like what he does (and does well in his opinion) is not good enough for you, so there is no sense in even trying. It will turn him off doing a good job, and you will get worse, not better, results.

So for me, no matter how proud I am of Mark being offered a chance to be in native Hebrew speakers class, the challenge is not to push too hard. I will try very hard to convince him to stay in it, but it will be convincing, not pushing. I may even ask for a teacher's help. But in the end, the choice will be his. If he does not take pride in this achievement and does not consider it important, it's not my job to make him suffer through it. He is doing a good job in school, and I appreciate it, even though he is not working very hard to achieve good results. My job is to set the expectations. If he doesn't meet them... well, it's my job to make sure that he feels loved and appreciated all the same.