The age before puberty

Today my son has his end of the year party. It's an annual tradition - every year their class has end of the year swim party. This year, however, is different. Today, they will not only be swimming - there also will be a dance. His first dance party to celebrate graduation from elementary school. Alex is absolutely oblivious to the fact that today he will be having his first "adult" party - it's an absolutely ordinary Sunday for him, and he is much more excited about his summer internship for Online Math Circle that he already started and Johns Hopkins University summer program which starts in 3 weeks. I, however, am very nervous. As Alex wonders at my suggestion that he dresses up a little for the party, I go back in time to my own first dance party which also happened in 5th grade.

It was before puberty hit, before I fell in love for the first time, before being popular became paramount. The party was spontaneously organized at one of my classmates' home to celebrate the 8th or March, International Women's Day - a holiday much celebrated in Soviet Russia. A room almost dark, the music of Toto Cutugno playing loudly, and me, slow-dancing with a boy for the first time. I feel very much surprised to be asked to dance, and even more surprised to hear "understanding" whispers of my classmates behind my back. I feel a little shy moving to a slow music, but not yet very much worried about my dancing skills. That will come later. As will puberty. As will my first love and first broken heart. Right now I am just not sure how I feel about the dance. Something tells me it's a good thing, but I am not sure.

A group of us walks home together from the party. "Don't you know that he likes you?" - the girls ask, surprising me again. As if to prove this, he offers to walk home with me, but I refuse. I am just not sure about this at the moment. I will figure things out as puberty hits, bringing infatuations, heartbreaks and jealousy. But now, it's too early. I don't feel any pressure to be what I think other people want me to be. I am being myself - unaware, innocent and shy.

I am getting ready for my son's first dance party. It's the age before puberty. He is not interested in girls yet, and probably will be shy about dancing. I can't help but wonder what his first love will be like. I wonder who she will be. A girl from school or the one he will meet elsewhere? Will she like him back or will he go through a heartbreak like I did? Will I have to console him or share his joy? As I am looking back in the past, I am also looking too far ahead into the future.