Last week I wrote a school counselor an e-mail insisting again that my son was moved to 6th grade. She wrote in response: "Why would you want to take a year from his childhood? Even if he is academically ready, it's not worth it."
I thought about it and understood that she had a point. At one time, my son will have to leave home and go to college, to live on his own, without his parents. If he would be promoted now, he would have to do it a year sooner than his peers. Would he be ready for that at age 17?
I have to agree that until that moment I was concentrating only on my son's academic achievements, and not thinking that to be promoted he has to be ready both academically and socially. Today in the car he was talking to me about some silly website he wants to create to see "how many dumb people there are." And I thought, here is a case against his promotion to 6th grade, right there. His maturity level is not beyond where it should be in 5th grade.
Thinking back to my own childhood, in 5th grade my social aspirations were mostly dedicated to annoying my teachers. I was a very good student academically, but I didn't like most of my teachers, so I tried to annoy them as much as possible. I had a bunch of friends, but my life was not revolving around them. In 6th grade, it became more about friends. I was becoming more aware of people around me, who I was socializing with. At this time we started to have our first teenage parties too, so I was making sure I got invited. I was getting more socially mature. In 7th grade, I fell in love for the first time, but the concept of dating still didn't occur to me. I wanted to be loved back, but I wasn't sure what I would do with this love. It's not until the end of 7th - 8th grade I was aware that people could go out, date, and do everything that goes with it.
So, it's safe to say that at every age kids hit a social milestone. Of course not all kids hit them at the same time. Just like academically they all learn at different pace, socially they develop differently too. There were girls in my class who started dating at 12 and probably having sex at 13 or 14, while I had a very vague idea what dating was. I was at the top of my class academically, but socially I would say I was about average, and there were many girls ahead of me. A lot of social development has to do with puberty too, and as kids hit puberty at different ages, their social development follows that.
I am not defending my school here, because they are not conducting any tests for Alex not only in academics, but in social aspect too. They simply assume that all kids are not socially ready to be promoted, even if academically they are. This is wrong. Many kids may be very average in academics, but socially way ahead. And for many gifted kids both academic and social development goes together, so they are ready to be promoted. But the school is not willing to consider that. That said, do I believe Alex's social development is at 6th grade level? No. There is probably no test that would determine social maturity, so it's parents' and teachers' call to determine that, and my call is he is not ready socially.
Now, given that, and assuming that all the school's attempts to "challenge" him in 5th grade fail, how damaging it would be for him emotionally to be promoted? Do I want him to waste his time in 5th grade so that he can grow up a little and reach that social 6th-grade milestone, or do I want to promote him anyway and take what damage may come from it? Mostly, it would be hard for him to make friends because of a different level of interests - his is pretty much still "play-oriented", and 6th-graders are probably already thinking about girls. It's not bullying (as many people tell me), it's loneliness that he would be suffering from. There will be no understanding between him and his classmates, no common ground. Would that loneliness damage his self-esteem? Make him miserable in school, perhaps even more miserable than he is now because he is not learning?
I was mad at the school administration at first for not seeing the things my way, but after thinking about it, I have to agree that they have a case too. It would be nice if they could evaluate Alex socially instead of just assuming that he is not mature enough. But even without their evaluation I can tell that he is not. So my dilemma is now pretty much what would make him more miserable: being bored academically or being lonely socially. It's safe to say that I have my work cut out for me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A case for the 6th grade
A week ago my older son came home and announced that he wanted to change schools. It's not the first time he did that - I've heard it a couple of times before. But this time he was very persistent and serious. "Just give me a chance to shadow in another school, - he said - maybe the stuff they teach will be more difficult. I am bored. I just want to try another school."
It's not in my plans to change schools. I love this one, we've been happy with it for years. I also have a younger son who would also need to change schools should I do it for the older one, and he would be extremely unhappy about the change - he has so many friends in this school, and he loves it. Besides, changing schools wouldn't make any difference - they all follow pretty much the same curriculum. With the knowledge and understanding that Alex has, the only solution is to promote him to a higher grade. I've thought about it for years, and done nothing. I knew I would face an uphill battle. Here in US, it's just not done. But that evening, I was left with no choice. I wrote a teacher a letter describing the situation and asking for a meeting. They promised to address the situation and meet with me.
So they did today. I met with an assembly of teachers, counselors, and the principal. It was quite a gathering. Sadly, it was also quite useless. They really wanted to show that they care. But they had no idea how to address Alex's needs. Despite the assurances that they brainstormed a number of ideas about how to better challenge Alex, they presented not a single one, save one additional math class that he would be taking. So, after listening to them, I presented my idea - to promote him to a 6th grade (I also mentioned it before in my letters to them, so it wasn't a surprise). After that, a meeting turned into a duel.
"We wouldn't do it to him - said one counselor - while he may be ready academically, there is also an emotional aspect, and you can't hurry that up." "All the research shows that this creates more problems that it solves," - said another one. "You are only saying that because you feel helpless. This is not the solution." "This is not on the table, - said the principal - and if you decide to change schools, be very careful of a school that would agree to promote him. This is not a good school."
Why? Why won't they promote a child who is obviously far ahead academically? He is wasting his time working on the material which has long been familiar to him. I tried to reason with them. I tried to explain that while to most kids, even gifted kids, school is about the experience, friends, working together on a project, to Alex school is about getting information, it is about learning new things. He's always required a lot of new information, new facts, new data. He is not getting it.
"We often repeat the themes that we teach, - said the principal, - but we always add a new dimension to them, so students are learning." No you don't. You study native americans, year after year after year. Half a year of history is devoted to native americans. Every year. At home, we've done history of Russia, history of England, Ancient Grece, and life of Leonardo da Vinci. We've also visited the exhibits on Genghis Khan and Tutankhamun and learned about them. We've covered Greek mythology. You study native americans. We've learned world geography and can point most of the countries on a map. You study states and their capitals, and present learning state birds as a challenge. Very useful one. We go to planetariums and have learned about planets, galaxies, stars, and black holes. You teach how salt dissolves in water - something a toddler discovers for himself at age 2.
"Alex's writing skills are right at 5th grade level, - said the teacher, - they are not beyond that". Yes, I know. Writing is our weaker subject. Writing is not about facts, figures, and data, so Alex does not devote a lot of energy to it. But is this a reason to hold him back? Because by not promoting him, they are holding him back. We'll work on writing. We'll take extra homework on writing if required. But a child needs to learn, and he is not learning.
The meeting ended with a counselor's promise to meet with Alex and with me (separately) next week. Why? She wants to talk to us. She wants to know where we are coming from. She wants to know our background and why we are not feeling satisfied. A child is not learning. That's why. What else is there to know and what does our background have to do with anything? Again, they want to show that they care, that they are making an effort. But that does not help us.
There is one useful thing a counselor suggested. "If Alex is not feeling satisfied, - she said, - he has to advocate for himself. He has to go tell a teacher, right at that time. Saying "I am bored" next week does not help." She is right. This is an advice I can give Alex. Keep bugging them. Tell them you need more information. Tell them you are not learning anything new. But my feeling is that will not help much, either. They will learn how to tune him out.
What choice do I have? At this point, only one - look for a school that will take Alex straight to 6th grade (because again, they all follow the same curriculum, and finding a more challenging 5th grade will be next to impossible). But I am so reluctant to do it. To me, there is much more to a school than just information, and our school has all those other things. But it's not about me. It's about my son. Back in the Soviet Union, all schools were the same, and we attended one that was close to home. Here, schools are different, and you need to find one that fits your child best. Our school fit up to this point. Now it doesn't. Time for a change?
It's not in my plans to change schools. I love this one, we've been happy with it for years. I also have a younger son who would also need to change schools should I do it for the older one, and he would be extremely unhappy about the change - he has so many friends in this school, and he loves it. Besides, changing schools wouldn't make any difference - they all follow pretty much the same curriculum. With the knowledge and understanding that Alex has, the only solution is to promote him to a higher grade. I've thought about it for years, and done nothing. I knew I would face an uphill battle. Here in US, it's just not done. But that evening, I was left with no choice. I wrote a teacher a letter describing the situation and asking for a meeting. They promised to address the situation and meet with me.
So they did today. I met with an assembly of teachers, counselors, and the principal. It was quite a gathering. Sadly, it was also quite useless. They really wanted to show that they care. But they had no idea how to address Alex's needs. Despite the assurances that they brainstormed a number of ideas about how to better challenge Alex, they presented not a single one, save one additional math class that he would be taking. So, after listening to them, I presented my idea - to promote him to a 6th grade (I also mentioned it before in my letters to them, so it wasn't a surprise). After that, a meeting turned into a duel.
"We wouldn't do it to him - said one counselor - while he may be ready academically, there is also an emotional aspect, and you can't hurry that up." "All the research shows that this creates more problems that it solves," - said another one. "You are only saying that because you feel helpless. This is not the solution." "This is not on the table, - said the principal - and if you decide to change schools, be very careful of a school that would agree to promote him. This is not a good school."
Why? Why won't they promote a child who is obviously far ahead academically? He is wasting his time working on the material which has long been familiar to him. I tried to reason with them. I tried to explain that while to most kids, even gifted kids, school is about the experience, friends, working together on a project, to Alex school is about getting information, it is about learning new things. He's always required a lot of new information, new facts, new data. He is not getting it.
"We often repeat the themes that we teach, - said the principal, - but we always add a new dimension to them, so students are learning." No you don't. You study native americans, year after year after year. Half a year of history is devoted to native americans. Every year. At home, we've done history of Russia, history of England, Ancient Grece, and life of Leonardo da Vinci. We've also visited the exhibits on Genghis Khan and Tutankhamun and learned about them. We've covered Greek mythology. You study native americans. We've learned world geography and can point most of the countries on a map. You study states and their capitals, and present learning state birds as a challenge. Very useful one. We go to planetariums and have learned about planets, galaxies, stars, and black holes. You teach how salt dissolves in water - something a toddler discovers for himself at age 2.
"Alex's writing skills are right at 5th grade level, - said the teacher, - they are not beyond that". Yes, I know. Writing is our weaker subject. Writing is not about facts, figures, and data, so Alex does not devote a lot of energy to it. But is this a reason to hold him back? Because by not promoting him, they are holding him back. We'll work on writing. We'll take extra homework on writing if required. But a child needs to learn, and he is not learning.
The meeting ended with a counselor's promise to meet with Alex and with me (separately) next week. Why? She wants to talk to us. She wants to know where we are coming from. She wants to know our background and why we are not feeling satisfied. A child is not learning. That's why. What else is there to know and what does our background have to do with anything? Again, they want to show that they care, that they are making an effort. But that does not help us.
There is one useful thing a counselor suggested. "If Alex is not feeling satisfied, - she said, - he has to advocate for himself. He has to go tell a teacher, right at that time. Saying "I am bored" next week does not help." She is right. This is an advice I can give Alex. Keep bugging them. Tell them you need more information. Tell them you are not learning anything new. But my feeling is that will not help much, either. They will learn how to tune him out.
What choice do I have? At this point, only one - look for a school that will take Alex straight to 6th grade (because again, they all follow the same curriculum, and finding a more challenging 5th grade will be next to impossible). But I am so reluctant to do it. To me, there is much more to a school than just information, and our school has all those other things. But it's not about me. It's about my son. Back in the Soviet Union, all schools were the same, and we attended one that was close to home. Here, schools are different, and you need to find one that fits your child best. Our school fit up to this point. Now it doesn't. Time for a change?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Ungrateful
It looks like after 10 years of being a stay-home mom, next week I am finally going back to work. I don't know exactly what I will be doing, except it will be in software industry. 10 years ago when I was leaving my software developer's job, I promised myself never to return. But as my friend posted recently on Facebook, "if you want to make G-d laugh, tell him your plans." Now I am returning, and G-d is laughing.
I should be grateful. Everything works against me - unemployment is skyrocketing, I can only work part-time, and I haven't had any software experience for at least 10 years. Who would hire me? Now somebody is giving me a chance, and I am sad to take it. The only thing I have in my head today is that's not how I want my life to be right now.
I have a loving husband, wonderful kids, supportive (and, most important, relatively healthy) parents, devoted friends, a nice house, and now I am about to have a job. And the only thing I can think about is that's not how I want my life to be right now. You guessed it - I am not the most grateful person in the world.
I keep thinking about people less fortunate. People who lost parents. People who are seriously ill. People who's families fell apart. People who don't have enough money to support themselves. People who are not with me anymore. And when I think about it, I know that I should start my every morning by thanking G-d. But I don't. I am depressed, because for once in many years, I don't get what I want. I am not only ungrateful to G-d. I am ungrateful to my family, my parents, my friends. By being depressed, I am saying: "You don't matter. You are not enough."
I also think that one of those days I will regret how I feel today. I will wish for today, considering myself truly happy. And the fact that I don't get everything that I want in life won't matter anymore, because something really important will be gone. I know it, and I dread it.
I promise myself today that I will stop being depressed; that I will try, no matter how hard it is, to be grateful for what I have. To appreciate my family and friends. To take pleasure in raising my kids. To be glad having a job, no matter what it is. I am sad right now because that's not EXACTLY how I want my life to be at this point. But mostly it is, really. It is not a sin to wish for more. It is a sin to be ungrateful.
I should be grateful. Everything works against me - unemployment is skyrocketing, I can only work part-time, and I haven't had any software experience for at least 10 years. Who would hire me? Now somebody is giving me a chance, and I am sad to take it. The only thing I have in my head today is that's not how I want my life to be right now.
I have a loving husband, wonderful kids, supportive (and, most important, relatively healthy) parents, devoted friends, a nice house, and now I am about to have a job. And the only thing I can think about is that's not how I want my life to be right now. You guessed it - I am not the most grateful person in the world.
I keep thinking about people less fortunate. People who lost parents. People who are seriously ill. People who's families fell apart. People who don't have enough money to support themselves. People who are not with me anymore. And when I think about it, I know that I should start my every morning by thanking G-d. But I don't. I am depressed, because for once in many years, I don't get what I want. I am not only ungrateful to G-d. I am ungrateful to my family, my parents, my friends. By being depressed, I am saying: "You don't matter. You are not enough."
I also think that one of those days I will regret how I feel today. I will wish for today, considering myself truly happy. And the fact that I don't get everything that I want in life won't matter anymore, because something really important will be gone. I know it, and I dread it.
I promise myself today that I will stop being depressed; that I will try, no matter how hard it is, to be grateful for what I have. To appreciate my family and friends. To take pleasure in raising my kids. To be glad having a job, no matter what it is. I am sad right now because that's not EXACTLY how I want my life to be at this point. But mostly it is, really. It is not a sin to wish for more. It is a sin to be ungrateful.
Friday, June 11, 2010
When do I feel like G-d?
For their Siddur ceremony, our first-graders have to answer the question: "When do I feel like G-d?" The answers are usually typical: "When I help my mom with dinner", "When I treat people nicely", "When I recycle." I never considered it a particularly deep question, especially put to a first-grader.
I am not on very good terms with G-d lately. I have my reasons. It's because G-d let one of my best friends die in a car accident 6 years ago. Or because I have an awful anxiety disorder that make my mornings hell and depression that does not let me enjoy life fully. Or because of all of this I have to take dreadful pills that don't let me do what I want. But I realize that I have a lot to be thankful to G-d for.
I was driving today and I saw 2 ducks crossing the road, very slowly. I felt like G-d when I stopped and let them pass. They took their time, but I didn't move, feeling like I am protecting G-d's creatures from harm.
2 days from now, I will board a plane and fly, after 11 years of not flying because of fear. I still have fear, but I am taking a chance. I pray that G-d will protect that plane and His creatures on it.
When do you feel like G-d?
I am not on very good terms with G-d lately. I have my reasons. It's because G-d let one of my best friends die in a car accident 6 years ago. Or because I have an awful anxiety disorder that make my mornings hell and depression that does not let me enjoy life fully. Or because of all of this I have to take dreadful pills that don't let me do what I want. But I realize that I have a lot to be thankful to G-d for.
I was driving today and I saw 2 ducks crossing the road, very slowly. I felt like G-d when I stopped and let them pass. They took their time, but I didn't move, feeling like I am protecting G-d's creatures from harm.
2 days from now, I will board a plane and fly, after 11 years of not flying because of fear. I still have fear, but I am taking a chance. I pray that G-d will protect that plane and His creatures on it.
When do you feel like G-d?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Thinking of elementary school
It's hard to believe that in the coming fall my older son will start his last year of elementary school. Sounds like a cliche, but it seems like only yesterday he walked into a Kindergarten classroom, waved me good bye, and left me crying behind closed door. Today, we are getting ready for middle school, and talk about high school a lot.
So far, our experience with the school was a pleasant one. Alex has enjoyed it, and we did too. Not challenging enough academically for him (to the point that he asked for another school once or twice), but wonderful teachers, adorable peers, and parents who are really nice to know and some of whom became friends.
In a nutshell, Alex is an exceptional student with absolutely no social skills. Every August, teachers send a letter to the families asking parents to describe their hopes and dreams for the coming year. Every year, I write the same thing - I hope my son will find some friends this year. So far, this has not come true, and this coming August I will write it again.
I wonder if Alex is suffering from the absence of friends as much as I worry about it. Many people are self-sufficient. I am definitely not - there was a period of my life when I had no friends, and I suffered immensely from loneliness. My husband certainly is not - he is extremely social and easy-going. And my younger son, of course, is way too social for his own good. Alex is weird in that way. I worry about it, and I wish for him to find a friend next year. Even one good friend would be great. And of course I wish him an academically fulfilling year (it's not easy, being so far ahead in many subjects). But for now, we are hoping for a fun and restful summer.
So far, our experience with the school was a pleasant one. Alex has enjoyed it, and we did too. Not challenging enough academically for him (to the point that he asked for another school once or twice), but wonderful teachers, adorable peers, and parents who are really nice to know and some of whom became friends.
In a nutshell, Alex is an exceptional student with absolutely no social skills. Every August, teachers send a letter to the families asking parents to describe their hopes and dreams for the coming year. Every year, I write the same thing - I hope my son will find some friends this year. So far, this has not come true, and this coming August I will write it again.
I wonder if Alex is suffering from the absence of friends as much as I worry about it. Many people are self-sufficient. I am definitely not - there was a period of my life when I had no friends, and I suffered immensely from loneliness. My husband certainly is not - he is extremely social and easy-going. And my younger son, of course, is way too social for his own good. Alex is weird in that way. I worry about it, and I wish for him to find a friend next year. Even one good friend would be great. And of course I wish him an academically fulfilling year (it's not easy, being so far ahead in many subjects). But for now, we are hoping for a fun and restful summer.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Memoires of the New Year tree
A tree decorating has been a Russian tradition since the time of Peter the Great. Every Russian household decorates a tree religiously (even though the symbol is non-religious) for the New Year. We grew up with it, and most of us cannot imagine a New Year without it. Coming from the former Soviet Union, we brought the tradition with us and cannot let it go. Nothing brings the New Year spirit into the house like a nicely decorated tree. We remember it fondly as children and now we claim to be doing it for our children. But are we?
When they came to this country, observant Russian Jews figured that they have a dilemma. A decorated tree in America is a symbol of Christmas and not of the New Year. Therefore, decorating a tree made it look like they are following a Christian tradition. Most solved the problem simply - they bought a tree before Christmas and decorated it after - just in time for the New Year. Still holding on to the tradition that is so near and dear to our hearts. Still claiming that we are doing it for the children.
But do our children really need a New Year tree? Our children grow up differently then we did. They have things that we didn't have (iPods, iPhones, internet, Wii), and they don't do things that we did (like staying home alone and heating our own lunches by age 6). But first and foremost, they were born in the country where the tree is associated with Christmas and not with the New Year, and no matter how hard we try, a decorated tree will always most certainly remind them of Christmas.
We might as well face it - we decorate a tree because we love it, not our children. We cannot let go of a beloved tradition of our childhood. But for our own children, it's actually better that we did let it go. Then they wouldn't have to explain themselves to the people who wonder why Jews have a Christmas tree, even if after Christmas.
When they came to this country, observant Russian Jews figured that they have a dilemma. A decorated tree in America is a symbol of Christmas and not of the New Year. Therefore, decorating a tree made it look like they are following a Christian tradition. Most solved the problem simply - they bought a tree before Christmas and decorated it after - just in time for the New Year. Still holding on to the tradition that is so near and dear to our hearts. Still claiming that we are doing it for the children.
But do our children really need a New Year tree? Our children grow up differently then we did. They have things that we didn't have (iPods, iPhones, internet, Wii), and they don't do things that we did (like staying home alone and heating our own lunches by age 6). But first and foremost, they were born in the country where the tree is associated with Christmas and not with the New Year, and no matter how hard we try, a decorated tree will always most certainly remind them of Christmas.
We might as well face it - we decorate a tree because we love it, not our children. We cannot let go of a beloved tradition of our childhood. But for our own children, it's actually better that we did let it go. Then they wouldn't have to explain themselves to the people who wonder why Jews have a Christmas tree, even if after Christmas.
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