A case against the 6th grade

Last week I wrote a school counselor an e-mail insisting again that my son was moved to 6th grade. She wrote in response: "Why would you want to take a year from his childhood? Even if he is academically ready, it's not worth it."

I thought about it and understood that she had a point. At one time, my son will have to leave home and go to college, to live on his own, without his parents. If he would be promoted now, he would have to do it a year sooner than his peers. Would he be ready for that at age 17?

I have to agree that until that moment I was concentrating only on my son's academic achievements, and not thinking that to be promoted he has to be ready both academically and socially. Today in the car he was talking to me about some silly website he wants to create to see "how many dumb people there are." And I thought, here is a case against his promotion to 6th grade, right there. His maturity level is not beyond where it should be in 5th grade.

Thinking back to my own childhood, in 5th grade my social aspirations were mostly dedicated to annoying my teachers. I was a very good student academically, but I didn't like most of my teachers, so I tried to annoy them as much as possible. I had a bunch of friends, but my life was not revolving around them. In 6th grade, it became more about friends. I was becoming more aware of people around me, who I was socializing with. At this time we started to have our first teenage parties too, so I was making sure I got invited. I was getting more socially mature. In 7th grade, I fell in love for the first time, but the concept of dating still didn't occur to me. I wanted to be loved back, but I wasn't sure what I would do with this love. It's not until the end of 7th - 8th grade I was aware that people could go out, date, and do everything that goes with it.

So, it's safe to say that at every age kids hit a social milestone. Of course not all kids hit them at the same time. Just like academically they all learn at different pace, socially they develop differently too. There were girls in my class who started dating at 12 and probably having sex at 13 or 14, while I had a very vague idea what dating was. I was at the top of my class academically, but socially I would say I was about average, and there were many girls ahead of me. A lot of social development has to do with puberty too, and as kids hit puberty at different ages, their social development follows that.

I am not defending my school here, because they are not conducting any tests for Alex not only in academics, but in social aspect too. They simply assume that all kids are not socially ready to be promoted, even if academically they are. This is wrong. Many kids may be very average in academics, but socially way ahead. And for many gifted kids both academic and social development goes together, so they are ready to be promoted. But the school is not willing to consider that. That said, do I believe Alex's social development is at 6th grade level? No. There is probably no test that would determine social maturity, so it's parents' and teachers' call to determine that, and my call is he is not ready socially.

Now, given that, and assuming that all the school's attempts to "challenge" him in 5th grade fail, how damaging it would be for him emotionally to be promoted? Do I want him to waste his time in 5th grade so that he can grow up a little and reach that social 6th-grade milestone, or do I want to promote him anyway and take what damage may come from it? Mostly, it would be hard for him to make friends because of a different level of interests - his is pretty much still "play-oriented", and 6th-graders are probably already thinking about girls. It's not bullying (as many people tell me), it's loneliness that he would be suffering from. There will be no understanding between him and his classmates, no common ground. Would that loneliness damage his self-esteem? Make him miserable in school, perhaps even more miserable than he is now because he is not learning?

I was mad at the school administration at first for not seeing the things my way, but after thinking about it, I have to agree that they have a case too. It would be nice if they could evaluate Alex socially instead of just assuming that he is not mature enough. But even without their evaluation I can tell that he is not. So my dilemma is now pretty much what would make him more miserable: being bored academically or being lonely socially. It's safe to say that I have my work cut out for me.