The age of innocence (continued)

Despite yesterday's discussion, we are not watching Les Miserables tonight.

A parent's job is never ending weighting benefits vs. harm, thinking and re-thinking, deciding and changing your mind. Which I did, I changed my mind.

It's not because of discussing and understanding the adult issues. Would that be a book, I'd have no problem reading it with my son. But it's a movie, and the movie is very graphic. Way too graphic for my extremely easily scared child. Talking about death and poverty is one thing, seeing it on the screen is another. Would he have not been so easily frightened and not tend to taking things very seriously, we would watch the movie. But you have to be constantly in tune with what your child needs or does not need. What is beneficial for one child is harmful to another. More than occasionally, my son comes to me at night because he had a nightmare. He does not need another one.

I was taking a child development class last semester, for which I needed to write a few papers. The class was all about theories that different scientists had about child psychology. In virtually every paper I wrote, I said at the end: "The theory is good, but you cannot apply it to every child. Every child develops differently. Some kids develop according to one theory, some to another, and some just don't fit any." I wonder if the professor noticed that pattern in my papers. On my final paper, she wrote that "she enjoyed having me in the class because I always challenged the theories." I don't challenge them. I just don't find them particularly useful.

I am taking another class now, a child education curriculum. When the teacher asked today: "What do you hope to learn in this class?", I said: "how do we take a curriculum, which intended for a group of children, and apply it to each child as an individual." Tough thing to do in school. I know, because for 4 years I've been struggling with teachers to accommodate my son's special math abilities. I am meeting with his new teacher later this week to discuss this, and I have no hope for success.

I've tried 3 Blockbuster stores to find "Master and commander", but without success. So, no movie tonight.

The age of innocence

Today I went to Blockbuster to rent the movie "Master and commander", which was filmed on one of the ships we visited in San Diego. I thought kids would be interested to see that. The store didn't carry the movie, thank you very much. Since I was there, I decided to rent something else.

Recently my kids found Les Miserables musical in my music collection and they've been listening to it ever since. So, I decided to rent the movie. But as I was driving home, I was thinking if I did the right thing.

Les Miserables deals with many adult issues, including murder, suicide, poverty, and prostitution. I was surely not going to show the movie to my younger son, but even for the older one is this the right time? I would have to discuss these things as we watch the movie - is he ready? He is only 9, should he be exposed to these things, or should he enjoy the innocence of childhood for a year or two longer?

As a young mother, I often heard: "Why take away their childhood? Let them be kids." I am sure many other mothers heard that too. The thing is, all parents are divided into 2 categories. First category will start educating their children as early as they possibly can. They will start alphabet at 18 months. They will start numbers at 2. They will start swimming lessons at 6 months old. They will eventually add piano and tennis lessons, as well as foreign language. Then there is the other category that will say: "Let the kids be kids. Let them play and enjoy their childhood. They will learn their letters in their own good time, and they will pick their activities when they are ready."

Which one is right? Which one am I in? The answer is both. You can't "take away your child's childhood" if he is ready to learn letters at 2 and naturally curious what those signs in a book mean. By not following his cues to start learning, you'll be slowing him down. If, however, he is not ready and you are trying to push him to learn, you will take away his desire to learn, and you will achieve nothing, because his brain is not ready.

If you are that mother who is pushing your yelling and screaming 2-year-old into the water, you are damaging her nerves and create more fear, again, achieving nothing. But if your 6-month-old enjoys the pool, by all means get in the water with her - you are not "pushing" her.

I started math very early with my older son, and by the age of 3 he was adding and subtracting 3-digit numbers. I didn't push him, but I felt when he was ready to learn new things. I didn't introduce anything new before I was sure he was ready. I was doing it with him every step of the way. That's when I heard: "You are taking away his childhood." Well, guess what. With my younger son, I did not start learning any addition or subtraction - all I did is to learn numbers with him. He was watching his brother doing math, and at age 4 he asked me for his own addition problems. He is 6 now and again, doing 3-digit addition and subtraction. All by himself, without any interaction from my side. Did I "take away his childhood"? Not at all, in all other respects he is as much a child as any of his peers, and he learned without being taught because he was ready.

I taught my kids to read in Russian by the age of 5. Again "taking away their childhood"? Well, I did not plan to teach them to read English, I thought they would learn it in school. Guess what? By Kindergarten, they've taught themselves to read English without any help from me. I was astonished. I did not even teach them English alphabet, I left it to school - but they didn't need it. When the kids are ready, they will learn. If you don't let them, being afraid "to take away their childhood", you will slow them down, eventually diminishing their desire to learn.

But that's academics. What about real life issues? When my older son was in Kindergarten, I received a letter from a teacher, informing me that "they will be discussing different kinds of families, including singe-family homes, divorced parents and gay/lesbian families." That is what I get from private religious school? I was outraged. I called the teacher and said that no way my child is ready for such discussions. The teacher replied that most kids are ready at this age, and if they are, they come home and ask questions, but those who are not simply ignore it. And she was right - after a week of these "discussions" my son did not ask a single question - his mind just let it pass by him because he was not ready. If I tried to prolong the discussions at home, that might have been harmful, indeed taking away the innocence of his age.

So what about Les Miserables? There are so many things going on in this movie, and my child at this stage is so very curious, he'll have questions about everything, and I will have to answer, whereas if he would not watch the movie, the topic may not come up for months. And does it really matter? Does it matter if he learns about prostitution today or a year from now? Or maybe a year from now even be too late and he would've already learned it from his friends (with their own interpretations) instead of from me (with the proper lecture)?

I think my son is ready for Les Miserables. He may not enjoy it, but he is ready to watch and talk about it. More ready than 9-year-olds watching 16-year-old girls dressed as hookers on MTV and playing video games glorifying violence.

San Diego

This year we've stayed home for most of the summer, but what is a summer without some time away from home? We chose San Diego for our trip - a must-visit destination for every parent with kids. Unlike Los Angeles, where there is practically nothing to do and most people go for Disneyland, San Diego has a lot to offer for kids.

Zoo. I am not an animal lover, and neither are my kids, but even for us this is a magnificent trip through animal kingdom. Prepare to spend the whole day there and be amazed. The zoo is a home for most interesting animals, insects, lizards and birds from around the world. When you get tired of walking (and you will), take a bus tour around the zoo, hop on the express bus, or take a gondola ride.

Marine world. This is definitely the greatest theme park we've been to. Yes, better than Disneyland. It has a few thrill rides, but the best attraction is definitely the animals. You meet face to face with amazing fish, dolphins, whales, polar bears and other sea creatures. On your first visit, you will be blown away. I love to watch the animals, but the shows are great too.

Balboa park. It's a home for many museums, including aerospace, automotive, art, anthropology (the museum of man), science center, and others. Besides the museums, stroll through the park is most pleasant. The buildings are beautiful. There are the botanical gardens - lovely. Again, plan to spend the whole day, and choose the museums that best suit your taste, because you won't be able to visit them all.

Maritime museum. There are several ship that it contains. My favorite is an old ship from centuries ago. A must see for pirate lovers. Another is a ferry boat that once evacuated people from San Francisco to Oakland during the earthquake in 1906. There are also two submarines - one is old Soviet war submarine, and the other is an american research submarine. You can visit all of those and get a tour by the guides dressed in character costumes. You even get a souvenir at the end. And, if you like, you can have a boat ride, too.

Old town. I just finished reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to my older son, and this was the perfect opportunity to show how the old town of Sankt Pitersberg, where Tom lived, might've looked like. It is hard for kids today to imagine that there was a time when parents didn't drive their children to school and playdates, and Old town San Diego is a good trip back in time. The biggest hit is an old school house, where tour guide was kind enough to tell us everything about the school life of a century ago. Especially interesting was the list of punishments that kids got for different offences. For example, not only girls and boys sat separately in school, they were not allowed to play together. The kids were also punished (by lashes) for climbing trees, pouring water on each other, telling lies, wearing long fingernails, and other things. Old school house is a must visit for school age children.

Beaches. There are many of them in San Diego, and for those of us who live in Bay Area this is definitely an attraction. We visited Coronado beach which is big, sandy, and has tide pools with crabs, small fish, and other small creatures. The water is warm enough to swim, and going to the beach is definitely a fun way to spend a day.

While many cities have attractions and night life that appeal to adults, for us who almost always travel with children, vacation is much more enjoyable when the kids can get something out of it too. San Diego is definitely such a place. Go visit, and if you know of a place that has things kids might like (besides theme parks), please let me know.

A plan for every day

Monday - Academy of Science
Tuesday - Art museum
Wednesday - a playdate
Thursday - Great America theme park
Friday - don't know yet, but probably some form of entertainment

Not to mention 6 weeks of sports - art - field trips - overnight camping - learning about Israel camp that we just finished.

Am I spoiling my kids?

I've already complained (about 100 times) how they don't get along, and how they can't be left alone for 10 minutes without starting a fight. And how they have 100 toys and games that they never use, and refuse to play with, unless somebody plays with them. We have a month of vacation left before school starts, and I really want to avoid the whining and fighting and yelling and screaming because my kids don't know how to entertain themselves, and that's why I have every day planned. But maybe it's because I've always had a plan for every day, they don't know how to entertain themselves? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I am a stay-home mom, and it's my job to make sure that my kids are well entertained and well educated. It's my job to play with them, to take them to activities, to visit museums and theme parks. But it's also my job to cook dinners and clean the house. And sometimes I also want to write a blog or read a book. It's no problem when the kids are in school or camp. But when they are at home, spending all my time with them since the day they were born comes to bite me in the rear. Or does it? Does it matter that I've spent so much time with them? Shouldn't it come to the kids naturally to want some freedom from adults' attention and desire to play between themselves sometimes?

I have a friend who has 4 kids, and I keep asking her how much time she spends time with them and still has time for housework and studying. She says that her kids don't need a lot of attention and play happily between themselves. She says that they even sometimes require privacy when she does have time to play with them.

My younger son recently had a playdate. I went to drop him off, and naturally, my older son wanted to stay. He was not invited initially, so I told him he could not. But the lady said: "it's ok, they all play together." She had 4 kids, including a baby! My 2 children would make 6. And she was absolutely calm about it, she was sure that the kids would play happily together without causing her any trouble. And I can't keep the house in one piece with my two! Is it my fault (because I gave them all my attention and they never learned to play by themselves) or is it their personality that is at fault, and they are just kids who need more attention than others?

I have to confess that I love spending time with my children. I love taking them to the museums and enjoying the whole experience with them, answering their questions, taking tours and learning new things along with them. I have fun going to theme parks with them and riding roller coasters (not the crazy ones!) I enjoy having their playdates in our house, watching them interact with their peers. I enjoy going to the beach with them, watching them play with water and sand. I enjoy driving them to activities, watching them learn and excel in new things, be it gymnastics, chess, or dance. And I enjoy reading to them right before they go to bed, although they are old enough to read by themselves. I just can't give up that pleasure. So, I have to confess that spending a week with my children away from household chores is like a vacation to me. It has always been that way. Did I harm my children's ability to entertain themselves by being so selfish? It seems to me that if I didn't give myself the pleasure of being with my children as much as I could, they might have been more inclined to play by themselves, but all of us would've been less happy.