A few lessons on discipline

I was listening to a radio show once, and the guy running the show said this: "The most proud I have ever been is when somebody in a restaurant came to me and said that my kids were very well-behaved." I made the silliest face at the radio. What a low expectation the guy must have for his kids - to be well-behaved at the restaurant! Giving a great speech at school does not raise to this. Defending a young friend against a bully - not even close! What really makes a father proud is when his kids sit quietly at the table without "disturbing the peace."

Another time I was reading a discussion on the Internet site, and the guy wrote: "Whenever I see a family with kids sitting next to my table, I ask a waiter for another table. How dare they bring their kids to a restaurant! You just know the kids will ruin your dinner by screaming and running around."

-Good! - I said - Ask for another table. Better yet, go to another restaurant. The last thing my kids need is a selfish jerk giving them hateful looks.

Why would we expect our kids to be "well-behaved" in public places? How often do we give dirty looks to a party at the next table that laughs so loudly that people on the street think they are passing by a comedy club? How often do we ask for a different table when a well-dressed gentleman talks on a cell-phone so loudly that in 10 minutes we know all his company's inner workings? Why do we expect "good behavior" of children, but not of adults?

One of my dear friends who still lives back in Ukraine thinks I should write a book about raising kids. For some reason she thinks that I know much more about raising kids then others do. I don't know about a book - there quite a few of those on the market, and most of them are quite good. But if I did write a book, here is what I would write.

Lesson #1. The words "well-behaved" should be applied to dogs, not to kids. Kids should be kind, age-appropriately well-mannered (same goes for adults by the way), and willing to listen to an adult's directions. And if they occasionally do disturb the peace by laughing too loudly or getting up from a chair, do not feel ashamed - we all make mistakes. However, if you think they are not ready for an upscale restaurant, be kind to others and spare your kids the hostility - take them to a child-friendly place like Fresh Choice.

Lesson #2. If you insist on taking your 3-year-old to Costco and standing in line for 20 minutes, expect a temper tantrum. No matter how well-mannered your child is, his patience at this age will only last for 5 minutes. If your child is willing to stand in line for 20 minutes, don't be proud, but rather take him to a pediatrician, because he has a problem.

Lesson #3. Don't expect your 2-year-old to "play nicely" and "share". If your neighbor's child happily gives away his toys to other children, it only means that he is non-confrontational by nature, not that he has learned to share. Children's sharing abilities will not kick in by age 3 (if that), and they all are equally unhappy about sharing their toys - they are just not showing it equally aggressively.

Lesson #4. Do not start teaching your baby the meaning of the word "no" at 6 months by explaining that it's not ok to play with your best china. Put the china safely out of his reach and let him crawl around. Your child will learn the meaning of the word "no" at his own good time (he will, no matter what your Russian grandma tells you), and he will learn a lot more a lot earlier by exploring the house freely.

Lesson #5. Don't ever spank (let alone hit) your child. Will you spank another adult for disagreeing with you? It is always wrong to spank a little child, and unless you are a giant, you can't spank a big child. You can always find another solution. If you can't, you are failing as a parent.

Lesson #6. Try to not give "because I said so" as an explanation. This should be used as a last resort, when your child is about to do something dangerous which requires immediate action. Your child still has much to learn, and if you are giving him directions, give an explanation. If you keep saying "because I said so", you are teaching your child nothing.

When I was a small child I was always shy and uncomfortable in a company of adults. The reason was I could always expect an adult to yell at me or to order me around. When I was playing outside with my little friends, there was always an adult ready to yell "Shut up!" or "Get out of here!" or "Don't you have anything better to do than run around?" This is what I've grown to expect from adults, and I hated that. If they thought we were being too loud, why didn't they just asked us nicely to be quieter? It was like kids were these second-class citizens you could always yell at.

When I was in school, it was more of the same. Most of the teachers yelled at us to get attention and used punishment to get good behaviour. I did not like it any more in school then I did earlier. But by then I held these truths to be self-evident that all men (including children) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. For example, the right not to be spanked. Or the right not to be yelled at. Or the right to be asked politely. And when I realized that, I started talking back. Whenever a teacher yelled at me, or somebody in my class was unnecessarily punished, I talked back. I was always a good student, and my classmates may have looked at me as a geek, but I was never a teachers' pet. In fact, many teachers hated me for "exercising my rights". This almost cost me my valedictorian medal.

As it always happens, as children we promise ourselves to be "better parents" and not inflict on our own children the same "suffering" that our parents inflicted on us. But when we grow up, we start to see the world through the eyes of our parents, and realize that our parents were, in fact, right in many cases. And when we realize that, we become our parents and inflict the same "suffering" on our children - something we promised never to do.

This is where I differ. I still look at the world through the eyes of a child, not the eyes of an adult. Of course I realize that my parents wanted the best for me. But I don't use "the end justifies the means" methods. You can reach the same end by other means.

Lesson #7. Look at the problem through the eyes of your child, not through the eyes of your parents. You will find a solution that suites both of you.

Lesson #8. Give your child, no matter how young, the same respect you would expect for yourself. One day you will need that respect.