About a boy who came in next to last

I stayed in the gym today for the announcement of yesterday's competition results. What mother wouldn't? My younger son took a medal for every event and, for the first time ever, an all-around gold medal. My older son came in next to last. But, after making the announcement, the gym manager called my older son to the floor. He told the whole gym how Alex never competed in level 4, how he joined the team late and had to catch up with the younger level fives, and how he comes to the practice and does his best every time. I am so glad. I am sure it meant a lot to Alex.

We never planned for Alex to compete in gymnastics. We brought him to gymnastics to make him stronger and tougher. But coaches had other plans, and Alex was quickly promoted to the team, somewhat against our wish. We still didn't plan that he would compete, but Alex really wanted to. Seeing his brother compete last year, competition seemed glamorous to him. We've tried to explain to him that he is not up to the level of most of the boys, that he didn't have time to learn all the skills, that he would never catch up with his younger brother, that he would probably never get a medal and feel bad about it. We've tried to explain how tough it is to try to do your best and not get a good result, because other boys are just so much better. But Alex still wanted to compete. And we felt that it wouldn't be fair to just not let him.

Alex thought he could handle the pressure. Maybe he thought that getting good results are not important and just competing would be enough. Or maybe he thought he was really better prepared than he actually was, and he could get good results. But again, he was not. After placing among the last at 2 competitions, Alex is disappointed at gymnastics. He is bitter, sad, and angry. I can see that he realized that he made a mistake by going into the competitions. And I was wondering if I made a mistake by letting him.

That's why I was so glad today to hear the gym manager praise Alex. Of course we praise him after every competition, we stress how important it is that he tries his best no matter what the result is, but he probably knows that we do this because we have to, that his younger brother performs so much better, and that makes him sad. I hope that today will change Alex's attitude toward this year's future competitions. He is determined to quit gymnastics after the season is over, and I think it's the right decision, but I really hated to see him suffer through it instead of having fun. I hope he will remember today. And I feel better about my decision to let him compete. To let him make a mistake and learn from it, and hopefully become tougher and stronger. Mentally, not just physically.

Every time I go to a competition, I am at awe with these young men who come to show the miracles of strength and sportsmanship. Each and every one of them comes to the gym 3 - 4 times a week, for several hours, after school and homework, and pushes himself to the limit, to do his best. Every single one of them should be proud, no matter which score he posts on the board. Every single one of them is a champion.

And for every parent I have this to say. Support your kids. It doesn't matter what their interest is. It may be gymnastics, swimming, chess, or ballet. They may perform at the theater or play a musical instrument. Support them, no matter what their results are. If they want to sing in a choir, and you know they can't carry a tune, still support them. Let them do their best. Let them push their limits. They are putting in their time and effort, and sometimes they have to deal with bitter disappointments. The least you can do is show you care. They are your champions, even if they came in next to last.

The end of an era

My son finally decided to quit gymnastics. He's been doing it for 6 years, and he is finally ready, although I am not sure that I am. I am so used to him doing it, and we had so much fun competing last year, that I am not sure that I want him to quit. But it is his decision, and he decided that practicing 4 times a week, 3.5 hours per practice is not the kind of commitment he wants to make.

I always knew that at some point this would happen. Every time the coaches increased practice time, my husband said that he was putting his foot down, it's too much and it's time to stop. I always said that it's not our decision, and if Mark wants to continue, we should go with it. Some day, I said, he will say that it's too much and he doesn't want to do it anymore. That day is today.

I can't help being a little disappointed. Even though you know it's the right decision, you can't help being disappointed when you invested so much time, effort and money in your child's activity. You can't help wondering what he could have achieved should he stay with it. But I always said it was going to be Mark's decision when to stop, and I am not backing out now, despite my own feelings. I am not pushing him. I am giving him a week to think about it, to make sure that's what he wants. If he doesn't change his mind before the week is over, that's the end of gymnastics.

I am sure he had a great time doing gymnastics, and it's done wonders for his health and strength. Now we have to find a sport that will be as satisfying and as good for him as gymnastics had been. I am sure in the back of his mind, my son has plans for his newly found free time - more playdates, more TV time, more computer games. I have other plans - more reading time, continuing with Russian grammar, alternative sports, more reasonable dinner and bed time, and of course some play time too. So long gymnastics. We'll miss you.

To be or not to be

Here I am again puzzled by a dilemma. Our gymnastics coaches called a meeting today, to inform me (as well as some other parents) that they are proud to invite our sons to compete at team level on outside competitions (outside meaning not "little kids" competitions they hold inside the gym, but competitions with the other teams.) Well, we are proud too, of our kids' achievements. But of course, there is always a "but".

First, there is money. We pay for everything - coaches, competition fees, traveling, uniforms, insurance etc., etc. in addition to regular monthly fees, which altogether comes to almost 1,500 per year.

Then, there is parents' commitment. Parents are supposed to "volunteer" during the competitions, 20 hours per year, or pay $20 per each missed hour.

And last, but the most important, there is a child's commitment. So far, we already have 3 2-hour practices a week, plus they are adding another 2-hour practice on Saturday. The practice starts at 3.30, the school ends at 3.15, there is a 40 minute commute. Mark gets extremely excited about gymnastics, but he also gets very tired, and sometimes asks if it's ok not to go and starts whining. I understand he is tired and would rather he did not go on those days, but I cannot allow him to go whenever he pleases - sports requires discipline. Can I put such pressure on a 6-year old?

What bothers me is that I see no goal in all of this. What are we working for? He is not going to be an Olympic champion. We are not making a career out of gymnastics. The coaches keep reminding me about scholarship to Stanford, but I am sure that my kids are smart enough to get scholarships just based on their academic achievements. And is scholarship worse all this sacrifice of time, money, and effort afterall?

To me, the answer is no. So on the way home I almost made up my mind to refuse the offer. So far, gymnastics has been very beneficial for Mark, but increasing pressure would be too much. But then I gave it another thought.

The situation is now different from a year ago, when I was making a decision whether to increase his practice time to 2 times per week. Then, the decision was entirely mine. Mark was too little to get his own opinion. Now, he is older. I talked to him about the competitions and increased commitment, and asked if he is ready to do this (and go to every practice without whining). He said he needed some time to think. I think I should let him. I think now he has to have a say. It should be a family decision.

I think that if we say "no" now, we are closing the door for him. The door to the sport which eventually he can be great at. And it doesn't matter that there is no real goal - the goal may be the sport itself, in which he can take great pleasure. We can always say "no". Even though the older he gets, the less it will be our decision, and the more it will be his. And if at one point he decides that he wants to stop, that will be the end of it, and neither we nor his coaches will be able to do anything about it. Even now, he can say "no", and I will not pressure him into taking this responsibility. But if he decides to do it, our saying "no" will close the road which can lead to great things.

I am anxiously awaiting Mark's decision. I told him to take his time and think hard, because whatever he decides will be final and he cannot change his mind, at least for a year. Is it smart of me to put such a serious decision on a 6-year old? I am cheating - I am doing this because I cannot decide myself.