The need to be needed

Child development specialists call it scaffolding. You give a child a task she cannot yet perform alone, but is able to with your help. You help her with the task (not do it for her). As a child becomes more and more proficient at the task, you give less and less assistance until a child is able to do the task all by herself.

Parenting is a constant scaffolding. When she is a baby, she needs your help with everything. She can do nothing for herself but one thing - cry for your help. She cries when she is hungry, when her diaper is dirty, when she is bored. You help her with everything, and she needs a lot of help.

I think it starts when she is weaned from breastfeeding (or formula feeding). As soon as she no longer needs milk or formula for nutrition, she made her first step toward independence. And it goes down from there. She starts walking, and pretty soon she will no longer depend on you carrying her or ride in a stroller. She is now able to get (some) things for herself - her cereal from the box, a toy from the shelf, a remote control from the table. She is no longer totally dependent on your help. Sure, at this point it seems more like a blessing.

But wait. She starts daycare, and you release your duties of caring for her to relatively unfamiliar people. For a part of the day at least, you are no longer a part of her world. Or visible world at least. She doesn't need your care at all, at least for that period of time. There is somebody else who replaced you. And that is kind of sad for most of us.

Then she starts school. A world totally different from a daycare. You are definitely not a part of it. A school teacher will not tell you what her mood was during the day. Was she happy, cheerful, upset? A teacher will not tell you who she socialized with or what she ate - something a daycare teacher might've told you. At school, she is mostly independent, and you have no idea how her day went. Not unless you are lucky enough to have a totally communicative child who will tell you every little detail. To most of us it goes like this: "What did you do in school" - "Nothing." It's her world, completely closed to you ever since she enters it. She is (mostly) independent in it.

With time, she will learn to take care of herself, and your help will be needed less and less. With every task my children learn to do, I am proud of them, but I am also sad. They no longer need my help with the task, but doesn't it mean that they no longer need ME? With fear I am thinking about their coming teenage years, when they will no longer need me not only during school time, but also in the evenings, when they will be spending time with their friends. I fear the time when they will no longer want me to read to them before bed time. Or no longer need, or want, a goodnight kiss.

In her book "A blessing of a B minus", author Wendy Mogel talks about parents who satisfy their "need to be needed" by jumping to solve their teens' every problem. I am afraid I am that kind of parent. I really enjoy being needed by my kids. Of course, sometimes I am tired of it and wish that they needed me less, but only sometimes. Most of the time, I take pleasure in helping them, teaching them, guiding them. I can't bear the thought that at some time ahead, they will no longer need any of that.

But do our children ever come to the point when they no longer need US? I think of my parents, my relationship with them. It is very stormy and uneven, but despite being so, I am still emotionally dependent on them. I feel calm and comfortable when they feel well physically and doing well financially, and I feel worried and anxious when something goes wrong with them. Even though I know that my parents can help me very little at this point, I still feel emotionally protected by them. I still value their advice and their presence in my life more than any physical help they can provide. And I think this is true for every child who was fortunate enough to have loving and caring parents. We don't need to satisfy our "need to be needed" by any artificial means such as solving our kids' every problem, by buying them extra things, by babying them. The time will come when they will no longer need our help, but they will always need our love.