This was the name of the lecture I attended yesterday. It was presented in our school, and I thought it was meant especially for me because since the first days of my parenthood I've struggled with the problem of how to realize all my kids' potentials with as little stress on them as possible. Apparently, so far I have failed.
When I mentioned this lecture to my older son the other day, he said: "Why are you going? If you come back and make me quit my activities, I am going to hate you for this." It wasn't my intention to make him quit any of his activities. Rather, my intention was to make sure that I don't give in to his requests to sign him up for the school soccer team, in addition to what he is already doing - gymnastics 3 times a week, chess 2 times a week, extra-curricular assignments in school and my feeble attempts of doing some Russian grammar on Wednesdays when we have some free time after school. But my son knew me better than I did. I came back from the lecture with the full intention to take him out of gymnastics.
He has been doing gymnastics for over a year now. He was promoted to the team just the other month. He was so excited! Watching his younger brother compete, he was wondering when his first competition would be (which it wouldn't be until next year). He was really getting excited about his progress in gymnastics, and now I am about to make him quit.
I don't know why I let him go to the team in the first place. When Alex started gymnastics (or, rather, returned to it after a long break), it was not because we wanted him to compete or become great at it. It was because he needed more exercise and more physical strength. This was a great sport to achieve it. He was one of the oldest in his group, and we never thought that he would get ahead, beyond recreational level. I don't know why they talked us into taking it twice a week, then 2 hrs per practice instead of one, then 2.5 hrs, and recently they promoted him to the team and added a Saturday practice. As a result, twice a week my son was out of the house from 8am to 8.30pm without a break for rest or a decent meal. The homework was done at 5.30 in the morning because Alex is not the kind of child who would go to school without his homework. I don't know why I was going along with it. I guess I was excited too about my son's progress in gymnastics. Sometimes our pride and our ambition about our kids' success makes us forget all common sense. It was easy to see that this schedule was totally out of control, but somehow I never could bring myself to cut some of the activities. I guess the lecture was the straw that broke the camel's back.
A friend wrote to me that I shouldn't pay too much attention to the lectures. I should know my child, she said, and by his behavior I should be able to tell if he is under strain, or the schedule is working well for him no matter how crazy it seems. I agree with that, only it's not that easy. If a child often misbehaves, is aggressive toward his brother, and even shows signs of bullying behavior toward a classmate (something I in my wildest dreams not seen my son ever doing) - is it a result of his childish desire to push the limits, puberty approaching, or a sleep deprivation? How could you tell? According to the speaker, all of these can be easily caused by lack of sleep.
Now, after I endure ever-satisfying talk with the gym manager about the Stanford scholarship we are giving up, I have a task of finding a sport that will be as challenging and satisfying for Alex as gymnastics have been, and will also fit our schedule. I also have a task of persuading my son that gymnastics has probably been doing more harm than good for him lately, that it's good to try something new, and it's ok to give up the dream of competing - he probably wouldn't have won any medals anyway. He wasn't that good at gymnastics afterall, there are other kids who are much younger and better. He would just be putting himself through more stress. And we don't want stress. That's the point.
Friday, February 4, 2011
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2 comments:
The question is, what would be more stressful for him? Quitting something he really loves, or continuing with a hectic schedule? Not a loaded question - if gymnastics in his mind is truly something he wouldn't mind replacing (for example, with ballroom dance or martial arts), then it may be a good idea. But if my parents were to make me quit dance back in high school because I had tests to study for, I wouldn't forgive it, as childish as it sounds. Because despite the time commitment, it was a huge source of DE-stress for me. And that's something to keep in mind.
Yes, I keep it in mind all the time, because I know from my own experience that what parents think is best is often bought with the price of big stress for kids. And how do we access benefit vs harm? Sometimes it's very hard. In fact Alex loves his gymnastics and did not take the news well at all. He really hates quitting it, but to me having enough sleep is more important. The thing which works in his favor right now is that no matter how hard I try I can't find a sport that would be a good substitution for gymnastics. So the best plan I could come up with is to drop the activity that he has before gymnastics (chess) which is ok with Alex, and that way he at least has some break for rest and doing some of his homework. That way he doesn't have to get up at 5am to do it. I think that's the best solution for now.
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