A friend of mine gave me an idea for this entry, but it comes entirely from my experience.
Things you should never force your child to do:
1. Eat when he is not hungry (you wouldn't do it, why should he?)
2. Eat the food he doesn't like, even if it's good for him. You can always find an acceptable substitution.
3. Dress more warmly than he would like to. Kids are more comfortable in lighter clothes than adults, even when it's cold.
4. Wear a shirt he does not like - give him a choice. He should have some control over his life.
5. Play with a toy he does not like, even if he made you buy it yesterday - it's a lost battle for everyone. Instead, don't buy him any more toys next time.
6. Make him be brave and try that roller coaster that he is so afraid of in an amusement park - he may not be into the roller coaster thing, and there is nothing wrong with that.
7. Share his special toy with a friend - before a playdate, help him hide all the toys he would not like to share.
8. Amuse your friends by reading that poem he just learned (or playing a piano piece, or with his any other talent) unless he wants to - he is a child, not an entertainer. Besides, you are proud of your child's accomplishments, but your friends may not share your excitement.
9. Take an activity that he does not like, even if you think it's important. He can only be good at something if he is excited about it. We all have seen that mom who pushes her screaming 2-year-old into the water for a swimming class - not a pretty sight, and a useless exercise of power. She won't swim until she is ready.
10. Socialize with a child he does not like, even if you are friends with the parents of this child. Again, no winners. Make up some excuse not to hurt anybody's feelings (it's ok, my son has been rejected many times by girls who he wanted to play with).
Things you may want to help your child with, if he does not do them on his own:
1. Read. Start with 10 minutes a day and go from there. Read to him, if you must, until he becomes interested and decides to try it himself. If he refuses, try positive discipline (my favorite is a star for every 15 minutes, 10 stars earns a present), or negative one: no reading - no TV/video games.
2. Chores. The earlier the better. He has to learn responsibility. Avoid the temptation to do everything yourself because it's faster and you don't have to redo it afterwards. He'll get better at it and eventually it'll be much easier for you because you won't have to do it. Never give money for doing chores. Instead, give a lot of praise, and once in a while do something pleasant for him - a movie, a new book (do mention that it's because he's been so helpful). No chores - no play (restaurants, movies, playdates).
3. An activity. A child needs at least one (for his self-esteem if nothing else - he'll be proud that he can do something others can't). Let him choose one for himself - he'll appreciate that he was given a choice.
4. Being neat. Sloppy clothes show disrespect to other people, messy handwriting - disrespect to a teacher. Don't let him go outside in a dirty t-shirt, and don't let him turn in a messy homework.
5. Using nice language - no "who cares" or "shut up". I am still working on that one :-)
6. Being polite - remind him of the words like "thank you", "please", and "excuse me".
7. Not interrupting. When interrupted, say (politely): "excuse me, I am talking to your father right now, but I will gladly listen to you when I am finished."
8. Speaking clearly. This is important for his future career. If he speaks too fast or using incorrect language, make him repeat or help him rephrase what he said. My son took a public speaking class - if you find one, it may be quite helpful.
9. Going to bed at the proper time (especially if he needs to get up early). I know it's not my business, but 12am is not a proper time. Getting enough sleep is very important.
10. And the most difficult - resisting peer pressure. Don't give in to "everybody is doing it" - it will come back to bite you in the tuhis.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Adventures in reading
My older son is an extremely enthusiastic learner. He asks questions non-stop. He watches educational TV programs. He browses dictionaries and encyclopedias. But to everybody's great surprise, he does not like to read.
He's never liked to read. When he was a baby and I tried to show him picture books, he would crawl away. When I read him "word" books, he would walk away. When I tried nursery rhymes, he would run away. And when I tried short stories, he refused to listen. It is a mystery to me why a child who has such an inquisitive mind would refuse to read. I taught him how to read in Russian, just as my father taught me, at age 4. He taught himself how to read in English before he started Kindergarten. But knowing how to read did not translate into reading.
I tried not to push it. I am smart enough to know that if you push something too hard, you eventually will make a child hate it, while if you pretend not to worry, he might outgrow it. So I let it rest for a while. I let the school do the work - he could not walk away from listening to the stories in Kindergarten, and he was obligated to read short books in 1st grade. But we did not move any further than that.
In 2nd grade, Alex discovered non-fiction books. That was something he could use! The only books he would bring from the school library was math books ("Geometry for every kid", "Cool math", and his favorite "Math for girls"). He asked me to read and explain to him the physics book that we have, but unfortunately, I know so little about physics, that eventually he was explaining it to me. For his birthday, he got an astronomy book so big it would not fit on our coffee table. It took him the whole summer to read it, but he finished it from cover to cover. He asked for more astronomy books, but I am afraid that all the world's knowledge of astronomy was covered in that book and there is no more to be learned.
At least that was a start. Now, it was time to move to fiction books, I thought, but Alex did not share my sentiment. "What can I learn from a fiction book?" - he asked, - "It teaches nothing." "It expands your vocabulary", - I tried, - "It makes your imagination work." No result. "Fiction books teach you how to live, how to behave in difficult situations, what is bad and what is good." I was not getting anywhere.
As always, school came to the rescue. They set up a requirement that a child should read, or be read to, at least 15 minutes a day. I knew that Alex would not disobey school rules. In fact, now he would not go to bed until I read to him for 15 minutes (of course he preferred the physics book, but since I did not learn any more physics, I picked different books). We started with fairy tales by the great Russian poet A.S.Pushkin. Then we moved to other fairy tales, from Russia and other countries. Alex listened, but I knew he was not thrilled.
One day I was browsing the Internet book stores for something that might interest Alex, and I found a book "History of England for kids" by Charles Dickens (the book was actually translated into Russian). I bought it, and we started reading it. It was not an easy read, even for me, so "for kids" was a stretch. But Alex loved it. He remembered the dates, the names of kings, the dates of wars, and even understood the parts that I missed. It was an incredible experience reading it with Alex.
After that, I bought another history book - "History of Russia for kids." Again, "for kids" was a stretch, but Alex loved it all the same. Lucky for us, my father used to be a history teacher, and after reading a chapter, I would make Alex call his grandfather and ask about the parts he did not understand, or for more information about the chapter. Alex compared what he learned from a book to what my father was telling him, sometimes being surprised that the book and his grandfather did not agree on some point. He learned that history is not an exact science, and the experts sometimes disagree on what actually happened. It was another great experience.
After that Alex asked for another history book, but I could not find one, so I decided to go back to fiction. Going back to what we learned about English history, I picked up Mark Twain's "The Prince And the Pauper." This is what we were reading for a couple of weeks, and just finished today. I could not wait until the evening when we both crawled under the blanket and I read this book to him. I could tell that Alex was mesmerized. This is the first fiction book he actually loved, and I was so happy to share this book with him.
After we finished reading, we had a long discussion. We discussed what in the story was actually true, and what was fiction. We agreed that the book told us a lot about the kings Henry VIII and Edward VI, about their times and traditions, and how people lived in those times. So, we agreed, that fiction books can teach something too. We also discussed what made the story fictional, and incidentally, made it interesting.
My next project is to make Alex want to read by himself. I do want him to learn to do it, but at the same time I am sad about it because that means I will not be able to share those reading times and discoveries with him anymore. We agreed that our next big project is "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer." I decided that we'll start to read together, and then I will try to get Alex to continue reading by himself. We'll see if any of us gives up.
He's never liked to read. When he was a baby and I tried to show him picture books, he would crawl away. When I read him "word" books, he would walk away. When I tried nursery rhymes, he would run away. And when I tried short stories, he refused to listen. It is a mystery to me why a child who has such an inquisitive mind would refuse to read. I taught him how to read in Russian, just as my father taught me, at age 4. He taught himself how to read in English before he started Kindergarten. But knowing how to read did not translate into reading.
I tried not to push it. I am smart enough to know that if you push something too hard, you eventually will make a child hate it, while if you pretend not to worry, he might outgrow it. So I let it rest for a while. I let the school do the work - he could not walk away from listening to the stories in Kindergarten, and he was obligated to read short books in 1st grade. But we did not move any further than that.
In 2nd grade, Alex discovered non-fiction books. That was something he could use! The only books he would bring from the school library was math books ("Geometry for every kid", "Cool math", and his favorite "Math for girls"). He asked me to read and explain to him the physics book that we have, but unfortunately, I know so little about physics, that eventually he was explaining it to me. For his birthday, he got an astronomy book so big it would not fit on our coffee table. It took him the whole summer to read it, but he finished it from cover to cover. He asked for more astronomy books, but I am afraid that all the world's knowledge of astronomy was covered in that book and there is no more to be learned.
At least that was a start. Now, it was time to move to fiction books, I thought, but Alex did not share my sentiment. "What can I learn from a fiction book?" - he asked, - "It teaches nothing." "It expands your vocabulary", - I tried, - "It makes your imagination work." No result. "Fiction books teach you how to live, how to behave in difficult situations, what is bad and what is good." I was not getting anywhere.
As always, school came to the rescue. They set up a requirement that a child should read, or be read to, at least 15 minutes a day. I knew that Alex would not disobey school rules. In fact, now he would not go to bed until I read to him for 15 minutes (of course he preferred the physics book, but since I did not learn any more physics, I picked different books). We started with fairy tales by the great Russian poet A.S.Pushkin. Then we moved to other fairy tales, from Russia and other countries. Alex listened, but I knew he was not thrilled.
One day I was browsing the Internet book stores for something that might interest Alex, and I found a book "History of England for kids" by Charles Dickens (the book was actually translated into Russian). I bought it, and we started reading it. It was not an easy read, even for me, so "for kids" was a stretch. But Alex loved it. He remembered the dates, the names of kings, the dates of wars, and even understood the parts that I missed. It was an incredible experience reading it with Alex.
After that, I bought another history book - "History of Russia for kids." Again, "for kids" was a stretch, but Alex loved it all the same. Lucky for us, my father used to be a history teacher, and after reading a chapter, I would make Alex call his grandfather and ask about the parts he did not understand, or for more information about the chapter. Alex compared what he learned from a book to what my father was telling him, sometimes being surprised that the book and his grandfather did not agree on some point. He learned that history is not an exact science, and the experts sometimes disagree on what actually happened. It was another great experience.
After that Alex asked for another history book, but I could not find one, so I decided to go back to fiction. Going back to what we learned about English history, I picked up Mark Twain's "The Prince And the Pauper." This is what we were reading for a couple of weeks, and just finished today. I could not wait until the evening when we both crawled under the blanket and I read this book to him. I could tell that Alex was mesmerized. This is the first fiction book he actually loved, and I was so happy to share this book with him.
After we finished reading, we had a long discussion. We discussed what in the story was actually true, and what was fiction. We agreed that the book told us a lot about the kings Henry VIII and Edward VI, about their times and traditions, and how people lived in those times. So, we agreed, that fiction books can teach something too. We also discussed what made the story fictional, and incidentally, made it interesting.
My next project is to make Alex want to read by himself. I do want him to learn to do it, but at the same time I am sad about it because that means I will not be able to share those reading times and discoveries with him anymore. We agreed that our next big project is "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer." I decided that we'll start to read together, and then I will try to get Alex to continue reading by himself. We'll see if any of us gives up.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Memories of turkish coffee
I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to find turkish coffee in America. Is it so hard to make?
All my late childhood was spent in little Odessa cafes that served only turkish coffee (probably because they didn't have those convenient coffeemakers they use in America). I would be sitting in one of those small cafes with my best friend at the time, drinking a cup of coffee. She would be smoking, and I would try to convince her to stop. It was shocking to me at one time that she started smoking, but little by little I've grown to love the smell of a cigarette mixed with the smell of coffee. I still love it now.
We would tell each other stories about school. We talked about soccer (or football, as we called it in Europe). We both loved soccer, which was strange for girls at that time and place - only men played soccer, and only men liked it. And then she would tell me about her boyfriends and other friends, and all of her adventures.
Unfortunately, her other friends turned out to be the wrong crowd. They taught her to smoke, and eventually they taught her to drink. I saw less and less of her, and so did her parents. She run away from home a few times. Last time she run away was a week before I was supposed to leave to America. The police was searching for her all over the city. My heart was heavy. If it wasn't enough that I had to leave - leave all my friends, my city that I loved dearly, leave little cafes and turkish coffee - I had to leave without knowing what happened to my friend. For all I knew she could be dead, and I would never find out. Luckily, she was not. She appeared 2 days before my departure. I could sigh easily - at least she was home safe. But her life did not become any better. Never, ever.
I often hear from my friends that I am too protective of my kids. "Everybody should be allowed to make mistakes", - they say, - "and learn from them." "Most people make mistakes in their childhood, and they turn out fine." This is true, and there are enough mistakes to go around. What people don't realize very often, is that some mistakes you made in your teenage years, could haunt you a lifetime. I saw it happened. Moreover, it almost happened to me. I was lucky enough to escape. My friend was not. From my own experience, I know which mistakes are harmless and can be sorted out by the kids, and which are dangerous. I can't protect my kids from every mistake, but I can try to teach them to trust me and ask for help if they are ever in trouble.
I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. I am thinking of my friend.
All my late childhood was spent in little Odessa cafes that served only turkish coffee (probably because they didn't have those convenient coffeemakers they use in America). I would be sitting in one of those small cafes with my best friend at the time, drinking a cup of coffee. She would be smoking, and I would try to convince her to stop. It was shocking to me at one time that she started smoking, but little by little I've grown to love the smell of a cigarette mixed with the smell of coffee. I still love it now.
We would tell each other stories about school. We talked about soccer (or football, as we called it in Europe). We both loved soccer, which was strange for girls at that time and place - only men played soccer, and only men liked it. And then she would tell me about her boyfriends and other friends, and all of her adventures.
Unfortunately, her other friends turned out to be the wrong crowd. They taught her to smoke, and eventually they taught her to drink. I saw less and less of her, and so did her parents. She run away from home a few times. Last time she run away was a week before I was supposed to leave to America. The police was searching for her all over the city. My heart was heavy. If it wasn't enough that I had to leave - leave all my friends, my city that I loved dearly, leave little cafes and turkish coffee - I had to leave without knowing what happened to my friend. For all I knew she could be dead, and I would never find out. Luckily, she was not. She appeared 2 days before my departure. I could sigh easily - at least she was home safe. But her life did not become any better. Never, ever.
I often hear from my friends that I am too protective of my kids. "Everybody should be allowed to make mistakes", - they say, - "and learn from them." "Most people make mistakes in their childhood, and they turn out fine." This is true, and there are enough mistakes to go around. What people don't realize very often, is that some mistakes you made in your teenage years, could haunt you a lifetime. I saw it happened. Moreover, it almost happened to me. I was lucky enough to escape. My friend was not. From my own experience, I know which mistakes are harmless and can be sorted out by the kids, and which are dangerous. I can't protect my kids from every mistake, but I can try to teach them to trust me and ask for help if they are ever in trouble.
I am sitting in a small restaurant drinking a cup of turkish coffee. I am thinking of my friend.
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