I got a call from a charity drive this morning. "Hello, this is a Breast Cancer Society. We know you gave donations to us before and we appreciate that. Would you be kind enough to donate this year? We'll send you a card with the pledge. Would you prefer $100 or $200?"
It's actually my son who is very interested in helping people with cancer, so he gives donations every now and then from his own money to cancer charities. That's how they have my number. My son is at camp right now, and I am sure he would be happy to help again, but $100 sounds way too steep for an 11-year-old. "We can't afford to give this much" - I replied. "We understand" - the lady on the other end says - "how about a card for $30?" That sounds more reasonable. However, I feel strange that a donation drive actually bargains with you. Regardless, I say: "ok, we can do that." "Great" - the lady replies - "let me put my supervisor on the phone so she can verify your information." The supervisor comes on. "Would you like to use your Visa today?" - she asks, instead of verifying my information. What happened to the card with the pledge? It's my son who will be giving the donation, and I want him to see what it's for and feel good about the good thing he is doing. "I would prefer to receive a card and send a check" - I say. "This would be very inconvenient. Is there a reason you don't want to use your Visa?" What business is it of yours? Shouldn't you be grateful for the donation no matter how I give it? "I'd prefer to receive a card and send a check" - I insist. I hear the disappointment on the other side. "Ok, but when you receive your card, would you please send your donation within 2 days?"
Since when charity drives turned into timeshare presentations? "I have a wonderful 3-bedroom house for you for only $10,000 a month. You can't afford it? It's ok, I have a much better deal - a 1-bedroom for $2,000. You still refuse? Ok, you can go, but you need to talk to my supervisor first." Sounds familiar? This is exactly how I felt today talking on the phone. What happened to receiving an envelope in the mail with a letter describing what the charity does, asking for whatever you can give and thanking you for your generosity and your time? When did charity drives start pushing and bargaining? What did I miss? I feel very uncomfortable about this whole thing and I am sure this is the last time I (or any of my family members) gives a donation to charity that behaves this way.
In 10 minutes the phone rings again.
- "Hello, this is a Cancer Society. Would you be comfortable with a $100 donation?"
- "I am sorry, I just got off the phone with another Cancer Society and I already pledged a donation."
- "And we appreciate that. Would you be comfortable with a $15 donation?"
- "No, I am sorry, I am afraid we already donated all that we could this year. Good bye." - I don't want to waste my time talking to a supervisor.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The age before puberty
Today my son has his end of the year party. It's an annual tradition - every year their class has end of the year swim party. This year, however, is different. Today, they will not only be swimming - there also will be a dance. His first dance party to celebrate graduation from elementary school. Alex is absolutely oblivious to the fact that today he will be having his first "adult" party - it's an absolutely ordinary Sunday for him, and he is much more excited about his summer internship for Online Math Circle that he already started and Johns Hopkins University summer program which starts in 3 weeks. I, however, am very nervous. As Alex wonders at my suggestion that he dresses up a little for the party, I go back in time to my own first dance party which also happened in 5th grade.
It was before puberty hit, before I fell in love for the first time, before being popular became paramount. The party was spontaneously organized at one of my classmates' home to celebrate the 8th or March, International Women's Day - a holiday much celebrated in Soviet Russia. A room almost dark, the music of Toto Cutugno playing loudly, and me, slow-dancing with a boy for the first time. I feel very much surprised to be asked to dance, and even more surprised to hear "understanding" whispers of my classmates behind my back. I feel a little shy moving to a slow music, but not yet very much worried about my dancing skills. That will come later. As will puberty. As will my first love and first broken heart. Right now I am just not sure how I feel about the dance. Something tells me it's a good thing, but I am not sure.
A group of us walks home together from the party. "Don't you know that he likes you?" - the girls ask, surprising me again. As if to prove this, he offers to walk home with me, but I refuse. I am just not sure about this at the moment. I will figure things out as puberty hits, bringing infatuations, heartbreaks and jealousy. But now, it's too early. I don't feel any pressure to be what I think other people want me to be. I am being myself - unaware, innocent and shy.
I am getting ready for my son's first dance party. It's the age before puberty. He is not interested in girls yet, and probably will be shy about dancing. I can't help but wonder what his first love will be like. I wonder who she will be. A girl from school or the one he will meet elsewhere? Will she like him back or will he go through a heartbreak like I did? Will I have to console him or share his joy? As I am looking back in the past, I am also looking too far ahead into the future.
It was before puberty hit, before I fell in love for the first time, before being popular became paramount. The party was spontaneously organized at one of my classmates' home to celebrate the 8th or March, International Women's Day - a holiday much celebrated in Soviet Russia. A room almost dark, the music of Toto Cutugno playing loudly, and me, slow-dancing with a boy for the first time. I feel very much surprised to be asked to dance, and even more surprised to hear "understanding" whispers of my classmates behind my back. I feel a little shy moving to a slow music, but not yet very much worried about my dancing skills. That will come later. As will puberty. As will my first love and first broken heart. Right now I am just not sure how I feel about the dance. Something tells me it's a good thing, but I am not sure.
A group of us walks home together from the party. "Don't you know that he likes you?" - the girls ask, surprising me again. As if to prove this, he offers to walk home with me, but I refuse. I am just not sure about this at the moment. I will figure things out as puberty hits, bringing infatuations, heartbreaks and jealousy. But now, it's too early. I don't feel any pressure to be what I think other people want me to be. I am being myself - unaware, innocent and shy.
I am getting ready for my son's first dance party. It's the age before puberty. He is not interested in girls yet, and probably will be shy about dancing. I can't help but wonder what his first love will be like. I wonder who she will be. A girl from school or the one he will meet elsewhere? Will she like him back or will he go through a heartbreak like I did? Will I have to console him or share his joy? As I am looking back in the past, I am also looking too far ahead into the future.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Expectations and disapointments
Yesterday, my younger son informed me that his Hebrew teacher recommended him to be in native Hebrew speakers class starting in 3rd grade. "She said I can do it, but it's up to me to choose", - he said. "I want to try it out and see how hard it is first." I can already see that he will not want to go the extra mile required to be in this much more difficult class.
When my older son was promoted to native Hebrew speakers class 1.5 years ago, it was a complete surprise to us. When we found out about it, he already completed one try-out week. We were even more surprised when we found out that the school never promotes a non-native speaker, especially when his parents don't know a word of Hebrew, to this class. At first, teachers suggested that if Alex wants to be in the class, he will need tutoring. Tutoring was quite expensive, and since learning Hebrew at a higher level wasn't a priority, we were hesitant to pay extra money to the school for tutoring him. But Alex wasn't backing out. He was extremely proud of his achievement and determined to do any extra work required to stay in class. He did stay, without tutoring, and is now striving according to his teachers.
Alex never had a problem going an extra mile when it comes to studying. Learning is the most important thing to him. He is the one going to the teachers for extra assignments, taking extra math classes on the Internet, and preparing PowerPoint presentations for his classmates. When it comes to learning, he pushes himself to the limit.
Not so with Mark. Mark loves his gymnastics, and there, he tries to put his best foot forward. But when it comes to school, he takes an easy road. Sure, his report cards always have the highest marks. But that's not because he tries hard - it's because the elementary school program is, well, elementary. He is already complaining that math is too easy, but when given an optional, and more difficult, assignment (the kids get one every week), I have to insist that he does it. I know he can, so I insist. On the latest parent-teacher conference, the teachers complained to me that in writing, he does the minimum. They know he can do more, so they send the assignment back for revision and more writing. "We wouldn't do it if we knew that a child could not do more", - they said, - "but Mark can. He simply is not trying."
There is a difference between pushing a child into doing more than he is ready for, and insisting on doing his best work possible to realize his potential. In first case, you will not only be turning him off education altogether, but you won't get any results. In the second case, there are also two situations possible. If you are lucky, your child will take pleasure in doing his best work, and be proud of the results. If you are not so lucky, your child will simply refuse to do the extra work, and do the minimum to achieve satisfactory results. To complicate this situation even further, there will be a difference between yours and his definition of "satisfactory". And in this second case, if you keep pushing, there is also this danger of turning your child off education completely. If you push him too hard into doing something he doesn't want to do, it will backfire. But if you push him just right, not even letting him feel that he is being "pushed", you may get the results that you want.
So what's a parent to do? If you feel like your child is doing a sloppy job, not trying at all and producing results that are not satisfactory to you or the teachers, you will want to interfere. If, however, he is doing a satisfactory job (even though he can do more), you have two choices.
You may want to leave it as is, giving your child a choice of doing optional assignments (or go to the native Hebrew speakers class in my case) if he feels like it, or simply be satisfied with the good job he is doing without trying too hard. Your child will appreciate the choice. If you tell him "the choice is yours" he may even surprise you and work on this extra assignment once in a while.
Or, you may want to let him know that you expect him to do a better job. You can tell him how proud you feel when he completes his more difficult assignments, learns another language, or gets great results at his chosen sport. You can tell him that you realize that he puts in extra time and effort and you appreciate it. You can even give him a reward once in a while (be sure to do it sparingly though, otherwise he will learn to expect a reward every time he does an extra assignment). But if you decide to go that route, make sure not to overdo it. Taking away privileges, instituting punishments, and fighting over "trying his best" will produce exactly the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. Your child will feel like what he does (and does well in his opinion) is not good enough for you, so there is no sense in even trying. It will turn him off doing a good job, and you will get worse, not better, results.
So for me, no matter how proud I am of Mark being offered a chance to be in native Hebrew speakers class, the challenge is not to push too hard. I will try very hard to convince him to stay in it, but it will be convincing, not pushing. I may even ask for a teacher's help. But in the end, the choice will be his. If he does not take pride in this achievement and does not consider it important, it's not my job to make him suffer through it. He is doing a good job in school, and I appreciate it, even though he is not working very hard to achieve good results. My job is to set the expectations. If he doesn't meet them... well, it's my job to make sure that he feels loved and appreciated all the same.
When my older son was promoted to native Hebrew speakers class 1.5 years ago, it was a complete surprise to us. When we found out about it, he already completed one try-out week. We were even more surprised when we found out that the school never promotes a non-native speaker, especially when his parents don't know a word of Hebrew, to this class. At first, teachers suggested that if Alex wants to be in the class, he will need tutoring. Tutoring was quite expensive, and since learning Hebrew at a higher level wasn't a priority, we were hesitant to pay extra money to the school for tutoring him. But Alex wasn't backing out. He was extremely proud of his achievement and determined to do any extra work required to stay in class. He did stay, without tutoring, and is now striving according to his teachers.
Alex never had a problem going an extra mile when it comes to studying. Learning is the most important thing to him. He is the one going to the teachers for extra assignments, taking extra math classes on the Internet, and preparing PowerPoint presentations for his classmates. When it comes to learning, he pushes himself to the limit.
Not so with Mark. Mark loves his gymnastics, and there, he tries to put his best foot forward. But when it comes to school, he takes an easy road. Sure, his report cards always have the highest marks. But that's not because he tries hard - it's because the elementary school program is, well, elementary. He is already complaining that math is too easy, but when given an optional, and more difficult, assignment (the kids get one every week), I have to insist that he does it. I know he can, so I insist. On the latest parent-teacher conference, the teachers complained to me that in writing, he does the minimum. They know he can do more, so they send the assignment back for revision and more writing. "We wouldn't do it if we knew that a child could not do more", - they said, - "but Mark can. He simply is not trying."
There is a difference between pushing a child into doing more than he is ready for, and insisting on doing his best work possible to realize his potential. In first case, you will not only be turning him off education altogether, but you won't get any results. In the second case, there are also two situations possible. If you are lucky, your child will take pleasure in doing his best work, and be proud of the results. If you are not so lucky, your child will simply refuse to do the extra work, and do the minimum to achieve satisfactory results. To complicate this situation even further, there will be a difference between yours and his definition of "satisfactory". And in this second case, if you keep pushing, there is also this danger of turning your child off education completely. If you push him too hard into doing something he doesn't want to do, it will backfire. But if you push him just right, not even letting him feel that he is being "pushed", you may get the results that you want.
So what's a parent to do? If you feel like your child is doing a sloppy job, not trying at all and producing results that are not satisfactory to you or the teachers, you will want to interfere. If, however, he is doing a satisfactory job (even though he can do more), you have two choices.
You may want to leave it as is, giving your child a choice of doing optional assignments (or go to the native Hebrew speakers class in my case) if he feels like it, or simply be satisfied with the good job he is doing without trying too hard. Your child will appreciate the choice. If you tell him "the choice is yours" he may even surprise you and work on this extra assignment once in a while.
Or, you may want to let him know that you expect him to do a better job. You can tell him how proud you feel when he completes his more difficult assignments, learns another language, or gets great results at his chosen sport. You can tell him that you realize that he puts in extra time and effort and you appreciate it. You can even give him a reward once in a while (be sure to do it sparingly though, otherwise he will learn to expect a reward every time he does an extra assignment). But if you decide to go that route, make sure not to overdo it. Taking away privileges, instituting punishments, and fighting over "trying his best" will produce exactly the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. Your child will feel like what he does (and does well in his opinion) is not good enough for you, so there is no sense in even trying. It will turn him off doing a good job, and you will get worse, not better, results.
So for me, no matter how proud I am of Mark being offered a chance to be in native Hebrew speakers class, the challenge is not to push too hard. I will try very hard to convince him to stay in it, but it will be convincing, not pushing. I may even ask for a teacher's help. But in the end, the choice will be his. If he does not take pride in this achievement and does not consider it important, it's not my job to make him suffer through it. He is doing a good job in school, and I appreciate it, even though he is not working very hard to achieve good results. My job is to set the expectations. If he doesn't meet them... well, it's my job to make sure that he feels loved and appreciated all the same.
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