Thoughts after Yom Kippur

I knew a person once who was an atheist. He used to say: "People use G-d as a crutch. Whenever they can't decide or explain something they turn to G-d for help."

I was discussing some religious issues with my best friend yesterday, and amazingly, she almost said the same thing, even though she never met the above-mentioned guy. She said: "You use religion because you are facing a difficult decision, and you want someone else to make it for you. So you turn to a religious text and try to find a "message" there that applies to your situation."

And so it is - non-believers think that living a religious life is much easier than being a non-believer. Sure, whenever you want something, you pray to G-d. Whenever you face a difficult decision, you turn to a religious text and try to find an answer. You never have an ethical dilemma, because all the ethics comes from your religion, and whenever you blindly follow it, you feel fine. Being religious is easy. It's when you don't have a "higher authority" to guide you, everything kind of falls on your own shoulders. No crutches.

For me, it's the other way around. I can't count the times when I wished I could be a non-believer. There is nobody to answer to when you "miss the mark", as we say on Yom Kippur. It's like working with no boss. You miss the deadline - nobody cares. You turned in a sloppy report - no big deal, nobody will read it anyway. You are doing a bad job - it's a customer's problem, let him figure it out, and if he doesn't you fix it later. There is nobody to check on your work. It's easy. It's a presence of a boss that makes most people disciplined. Not all of them of course - some do not need a boss to be responsible. But many do need an authority to check on them.

So it is with religion. It would be so much easier to live your life without fear of judgement. Or punishment, whenever we "miss the mark". Every religion has its own ideas about punishment. Christians believe in hell. I don't believe in hell. I am more afraid of punishment in this life. Especially when you are not punished directly, but indirectly, through your loved ones. That's the worst kind of punishment. Especially when you can't even explain why you are being punished. It doesn't really matter - you know you are not perfect, you must've missed the mark at some point, but it would be easier if you could see the logic behind it somehow. Like when you eat too much, you get high cholesterol and all that comes with it. That's non-religious way. It's easy and logical. G-d doesn't work this way. That's why bad things happen to good people. G-d makes things happen and doesn't explain why. It makes sense to Him. It often doesn't make sense to us.

That's why, when making a difficult decision, I agonize about it - I am answerable to a "higher authority." I can't take it just because I want it so badly. I can't take it just because it's there. Am I allowed to have it? Do I deserve to have it? Will my decision ruin somebody's life? If I make the wrong decision, will I get punished, maybe not right away, but later, down the road? Will my loved ones get hurt? It would be much easier if I believed that bad things just happened randomly and I did nothing to bring them on whatsoever. Not so - I know that when bad things happen, I will spend all my time thinking that it was somehow, someway my fault.

And so it is, my friends the non-believers. G-d is not a crutch. It's a never-sleeping eye that follows you everywhere. It's a teacher that constantly gives you problems to think about. It's a judge that punishes you for the wrong moves you make. It's not easy to live with that kind of authority, so you my friends choose to ignore it, and your only moral authority is yourselves. When nobody is watching, "missing the mark" doesn't matter.

The blessing of "Yes"

When my children were babies, I often heard how important it is for them to understand the word "no" as early as possible. In fact, many parents think that "no" is the most important concept for babies to understand. "No", - they yell as their 8-month-old reaches out for an expensive wine glass, a neighbor's dog, or a mommy's book. Some babies are even unlucky enough to get their fingers hit by a parent for whom the concept of "no" is paramount. What would the neighbors think if their child does not learn the word "no" at 6 months and will grow into a disobedient toddler?

I never thought that my babies should learn the meaning of "no" until they are ready. I created a safe word around them where they had time and space to explore safely. Expensive china, parents' books, breakable things and dangerous "chocking hazard" toys were stored far away, and the floor was covered with interesting and safe things to marvel at - bouncy balls, rubber books, wooden blocks, plastic containers of different sizes. When they became toddlers, I enjoyed filling my children's spaces with things that I can safely say "go ahead" to - water-color paints, chalk, old clothes, salt and sugar to be mixed with water for chemical experiments, pebble stones. I reserved my "no" for dangerous situations and used it sparingly. I was not a dog trainer - I was a parent, and it was my responsibility to make my children's space safe, not theirs to learn what they cannot touch. That would come in due time. Boy, was I a happy and proud parent back in those days.

Fast-forward to now. What happened to my sweet and (mostly) obedient toddlers? Fighting, swearing, name-calling and whining often dominate our lives, and so do consequences for bad behavior. "No ice-cream!" "No TV!" "No playdate!" I often feel like an animal trainer instead of a parent. And every time I say "no" I feel bad. And sad. And punished, even more than my children are. "Can I have a Facebook account?" "Can I have a cell-phone?" "Can I watch this totally inappropriate movie?" No, no, no. The world of pre-teens, and most probably (this is still to come) teens is full of "no". And it's not surprising. They are pushing the limits, you are trying to keep them safe. It's just like when they were toddlers. Only back then I knew how to keep their world safe without constantly saying "no". Now I don't know anymore. It's so sad.

This is why, every time I can say "Yes" to my children's request, my heart fills with joy. When they are not fighting, I can't refuse them anything. No punishments to enforce. Yes, we can stop for ice cream. It's ok to have a playdate. You can have a half hour of extra TV time. Yes, you can go to bed 15 minutes later. No, you still cannot have a Facebook account. But all those small things that I can say "yes" to make my day.

I am often afraid that when my kids grow up all they will remember is all these "no" that they are subjected to every minute of the day. I really want things to change. Yes, I still need to enforce consequences for bad behavior. But meanwhile, an unexpected trip to a theme park, an interesting book from a library waiting at his desk, a surprise toy or a game from a toy store or a few extra dollars they can spend as they see fit make family life so much more like... family, not a dog obedience school. And I can't wait until I can say "Yes" to a Facebook account. I don't know which one of us will be happier - he for finally getting it or me for saying another "Yes, you may".