Ungrateful

It looks like after 10 years of being a stay-home mom, next week I am finally going back to work. I don't know exactly what I will be doing, except it will be in software industry. 10 years ago when I was leaving my software developer's job, I promised myself never to return. But as my friend posted recently on Facebook, "if you want to make G-d laugh, tell him your plans." Now I am returning, and G-d is laughing.

I should be grateful. Everything works against me - unemployment is skyrocketing, I can only work part-time, and I haven't had any software experience for at least 10 years. Who would hire me? Now somebody is giving me a chance, and I am sad to take it. The only thing I have in my head today is that's not how I want my life to be right now.

I have a loving husband, wonderful kids, supportive (and, most important, relatively healthy) parents, devoted friends, a nice house, and now I am about to have a job. And the only thing I can think about is that's not how I want my life to be right now. You guessed it - I am not the most grateful person in the world.

I keep thinking about people less fortunate. People who lost parents. People who are seriously ill. People who's families fell apart. People who don't have enough money to support themselves. People who are not with me anymore. And when I think about it, I know that I should start my every morning by thanking G-d. But I don't. I am depressed, because for once in many years, I don't get what I want. I am not only ungrateful to G-d. I am ungrateful to my family, my parents, my friends. By being depressed, I am saying: "You don't matter. You are not enough."

I also think that one of those days I will regret how I feel today. I will wish for today, considering myself truly happy. And the fact that I don't get everything that I want in life won't matter anymore, because something really important will be gone. I know it, and I dread it.

I promise myself today that I will stop being depressed; that I will try, no matter how hard it is, to be grateful for what I have. To appreciate my family and friends. To take pleasure in raising my kids. To be glad having a job, no matter what it is. I am sad right now because that's not EXACTLY how I want my life to be at this point. But mostly it is, really. It is not a sin to wish for more. It is a sin to be ungrateful.